How did the ghost get from New York to London? British Scare-ways.
Why was the neuron sent to the principal's office?
It had trouble controlling its impulses.
How do you get rid of a cold?
Turn the heating on.
What’s every ice cream parlor owner’s side hustle?
Sundae school teacher.
You have the nicest syntax I've ever seen.
My local ice cream man was found dead in his garage covered in strawberry sauce and hundreds and thousands.
Police believe he topped himself.
Are you enjoying your sweet potatoes this Thanksgiving?
I know I yam!
Did they just take you out of the oven? Because you’re hot!
What do you call an owl with a deep voice?
A growl.
"Diaper Alert"
My God!
what's in yond wind yee broke
doth burn mine eyes
and make me choke.
Such bitter breeze
such wafting savor
assaults mine senses
which flee in terror!
No sewage pit
nor stagnant mire
cans't rival thine
unholy power.
A road dead skunk
in a summer's swelter
would smell more like a rose
most precious flower.
What cursed perfume
thou villainous rouge
doth linger in thine wake
begone and find your mom I say
it's her turn for goodness sake!
– Running Wolves
What did the librarian say to the beaver who wanted to read a help book? You can try by-rowing it.
Was scared to approach you honestly, but I decided to take a Nata-leap of faith.
I tried riding a camel instead of a horse once.
It had its ups and downs.
This movie is not the only thing in the room that's feature-length.
Laugh and the world laughs with you. Snore and you sleep alone
What do you get when you play New Age music backwards?
New Age music.
What song did Kenny Rogers write after his cowboy boot broke?
“You picked a fine time to leave me, Loose Heel.”
What's green and dangerous?
A frog with a hand-grenade.
Which candy do astronauts like? Marsbar.
If we were chromosomes, you’d be my homologous pair.
Toilet jokes aren’t my favorite...
But they’re a solid number 2.
There was an Old Man of the Cape,
Who possessed a large Barbary ape,
Till the ape one dark night
Set the house all alight,
Which burned that Old Man of the Cape.
Can you give me directions…to your heart?
What is the fastest fish in the water? A motopike
“Friends give you a shoulder to cry on. But best friends are ready with a shovel to hurt the person that made you cry.”
— Unknown
Did you ever hear about that movie constipation? It never came out.
Money won’t buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.
Bill Vaughan
Which nut is the best at playing tag?
Catch-yous aka cashews.
Why did everyone want to go to Italy during World War II?
They were Fascistanating.
My wife left me because she thinks I'm too insecure...
No, wait, she's back. She was just making a cup of tea.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to screw in the bulb and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
“We’ll be best friends forever because you already know too much.”
— Unknown
I think I'm going to remove my spine.
It's only holding me back.
Whats the difference between marrying a Mama's Boy and a Daddy's Girl? One makes biscuits like his mother and the other makes dough like her father.
Remember the city,
Remember the town,
Remember the s/he who ruined your birthday card.
By writing inside upside down!
Good game--you certainly scored all your extra points with me.
Why do microwaves always mess up WiFi...
...when every one I've tried creates hotspots?
I’ve been selected to hide eggs in my town’s big Easter festival next year!
This is an eggs-hiding opportunity!
What happened when an icicle landed on the skier's head?
It knocked him out cold!
What is a lion’s favourite cheese?
Roarquefort
Where did Vegans come from?
Hummus Sapiens
What do you get when you spice up date night? Netflix and Chilis.
Are you a thief? Because you stole a year of my life.
Why were the teacher's eyes crossed? She couldn't control her pupils!
If you were a flower, I would pick you.
I watched a documentary about corn fields
It was really quite amaizeing
Why did Dany stay home from the party? She wasn’t invited.
I tried to warn my son about the dangers of Russian roulette...
It went in one ear and out the other.
"You could be drinking whole [milk] if you wanted to."
- Napoleon Dynamite (2004)
What sound does a gnome make when he's eating dinner?
Gnome-gnome-gnom-gnom-gnom-nom-nom!
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