You’re like a dictionary—you add meaning to my life.
What do you can an ant scientist?
Albert Antstein.
My sister thinks that she is so intelligent. She says onion is the only food which makes her cry. That is the reason why I threw a pineapple at her face.
Children in the back seats of cars cause accidents, but accidents in the back seats of cars cause children.
What is a bear’s favorite dessert?
Blue beary pie.
“I’m totally ‘that dad’ who leaves a note in my son’s lunch box. One day I’ll actually start putting food in there also.”
- Steve Ryan.
What to spiders eat in Paris?
French flies.
What did the tree say to spring?
What a re-leaf!
I find you very a-peeling.
What do you call children who are born in a whorehouse?
Brothel sprouts.
I came home and found my wife naked, except for a porcelain mug on each breast.
She said she was a t-cup.
My eyes are full of tears
That they can see no more
I wish you were here
To chop these onions for me.
(Unknown)
I had to do something about my addiction to Thanksgiving leftovers.
Cold turkey was the only way to do it.
"I just can't live with the pathetic tickles that you call thrusts anymore."
You're so amazing that I always use the partitive genitive when I talk about you.
I don't know if I just got hit by freezing rain, but it hurt like hail.
Have you been to the doctor's lately? Cause I think you're lacking some vitamin me.
What do you get when you cross a chicken with a Martian?
An eggs-traterrestrial.
Billy turned in his art project and his teacher said, “This piece of paper has nothing on it?”
Billy replied “I know, I drew a blank.”
Susie works in a shoeshine shop. Where she shines she sits, and where she sits she shines.
What's the similarity between a sailor and a thief?
Both have a phobia for sirens.
Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
Why did the reindeer cross the road?
Because he was tied to a chicken!
What type of hairstyle is popular with polar bears?
Frosted tips.
What can you do if you are the ocean?
Watever you want.
I was at the doctor, complaining about constipation. The doc seemed upset with me. He said,
"You don't give a s**t, do you?"
Are you a keyboard? Because you're my type!
"If found on ground, please drag to finish line."
From a runner's T-shirt
It’s my wife’s birthday tomorrow. Last week I asked her what she wanted as a present.
“Oh, I don’t know”, she said. “Just give me something with diamonds”.
That’s why I’m giving her a pack of playing cards.
"If she happens to fall, I’ll be there to laugh at first and then help her up afterwards." — J.A. Redmerski
o my friend Justin was late for the football game.
But that’s okay because he arrived Justin time for kickoff.
Is it acceptable to take the epidermis from your butt and graft it onto a buddy?
Ass skin for a friend.
How do you use an ancient Egyptian doorbell?
Toot-and-come-in.
Which building do vampires always visit when in New York?
The Vampire State Building.
What do French cherry parents say to their little cherries at home? You are mon cherry.
Why did the ocean leave the party early?
She was getting really tide.
Why was there a troop of gorillas protesting outside the biscuit factory?
They wanted to stop the production of animal crackers.
“I might look like I am listening to you, but in my mind, I am hiking.”
I walked into my sister's room and tripped on a bra... It was a booby trap.
What separates humans from dolphins?
The surface of the water.
Archeologists say that mummies are very hard to find. Because they're all kept under wraps.
It's not you...it's your taste in music.
What is the best thing to do if you notice a gorilla is sitting at your desk?
Find another place to sit.
"A three year old child is a being who gets almost as much fun out of a fifty-six dollar set of swings as it does out of finding a small green worm." – Bill Vaughan
I drank alot of alcohol at the airport last night.
I now have a terminal hangover.
My wife doesn't like spicy food and I think it's a cayenne shame.
The fact that there is a highway to hell, and only a staircase to heaven
Says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
How did Dr. Frankenstein pay the men who built his monster?
On a piece rate.
What do you call writing a book about breeding bats to pull carriages? A wheely bat idea.
It’s so hot I saw a squirrel picking up nuts with potholders.
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