What’s the healthiest part of a donut?
The middle.
You look like a bowl of ice cream, I just want to spoon you.
Why can't the Christmas tree stand up? It doesn't have legs.
I'm sorry I'll have to confiscate your driving license...
Because you are driving me crazy!
I'm afraid you can't pass this point, 'cause you're a bomb, Baby.
Your name must be Coca Cola, because you're so-da-licious.
"If you were to open up a baby’s head – and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should – you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland." – Dave Barry
You don’t need car keys to drive me crazy.
What’s Irish and comes out in the spring?
Paddy O’Furniture.
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you're wrong, admit it;
Whenever you're right, shut up.
Dad, are we pyromaniacs?
Yes, we arson.
Why did the turkey cross the road?
To prove he wasn’t chicken!
What is the same shape and size as a sequoia tree, but weighs nothing at all? The tree’s shadow.
Why is pumpkin pie so much better than sweet potato pie?
Sweet potatoes are ungourdly.
Why did the dinosaur paint her toenails red? So she could hide in the strawberry patch!
Why couldn’t the dragon eat his birthday cake?
He destroyed it while trying to blow out the candles.
How does a cheese tell you they want to be with you?
“I think you and I would look gouda together.”
How do animals know when to cross the road?
The chameleon changes from red to green.
What’s a shark’s favorite movie?
The Shaw-shark Redemption.
I Tour de Francy you.
What do you call an amazing day up a mountain? A peak experience.
René Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Would you like a beer?”
Descartes replies, “I think not,” and promptly disappears.
What do you call luggage made of snakeskin?
Ex-hiss baggage.
Q: How does a tiger move a boat?
A: He uses roars.
My friend: *Throws salt at me*
Me: Don’t assault me!
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don’t know, why?
I don’t know — I asked you!
Why did it take the teen pig so long to get ready for school in the morning?
She was very piggy when it comes to choosing what to wear!
"I'm divorcing my wife. I've had enough, I'm going to leave her."
"Why?"
"She's out every night, going to the bars in town way past midnight and I'm fed up with it".
"What's she doing?"
"She's looking for me!"
Why did the sheep cross the road?
To get to the baa-baa shop for a haircut.
What kind of magic does a love-struck giraffe practice?
Neck-romance-y.
I feel like Medusa was in some rocky relationships.
Why are you eating a banana with the skin on? Oh, it's all right. I know what's inside.
Any self-respecting rock will break at least one shovel before accepting its new home.
What did Bacon say to Tomato? Lettuce get together!
What’s a llama’s favorite movie?
Alpacalypse Now.
There was an Old Man, on whose nose,
Most birds of the air could repose;
But they all flew away
At the closing of day,
Which relieved that Old Man and his nose.
Hello there, how do you brew?
Have you heard about that socially awkward chef that only cooks with snake meat?
I’m pretty sure he has Asp burgers.
Why can't a brain be 12 inches long?
Becuase then it would be a foot.
Me: "Hello? 911? Emergency! The neighbors house is on fire!"
Dispatcher: "Did you discover the fire?"
Me: "No! Prometheus! but what does he have to do with this?"
What do you get when you cross Elon Musk and lobster bisque? A souped up car.
Helium walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve noble gases here."
Helium doesn't react.
"The British soldier can stand up to anything except the British War Office."
~ George Bernard Shaw
“Nutrition labels should include a “What if I ate the whole thing” section.”
― Unknown
Why isn't your daughter married? Because a gourd man is hard to find.
My friend Joe recently went on the Dolly Parton diet...
It made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean!
I'm not wearing any socks. And I have the panties to match.
Why did the lemon fail its driving test?
Because it kept peeling out
You should see what I can do with ice.
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