You are really talented. You should join a punk-croc band.
What’s a shark’s favorite science fiction TV show?
Shark Trek.
How much dew does a dewdrop drop
If dewdrops do drop dew?
They do drop, they do
As do dewdrops drop
If dewdrops do drop dew.
How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce "unionized."
“God put me on this Earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now, I am so far behind I will never die."
~ Bill Watterson
Grandma runs the kitchen like a turtle-tarian; give her some space there.
Why was the peanut butter upset at his retirement party?
He was roasted.
Have you seen Jake’s new custom trumpet? Yeah, that’s quite a unique horn, I’d know it anywhere.
What’s a milk’s favorite fruit? Cow-conuts.
There was an Old Man of Kildare,
Who climbed into a very old chair;
When he said,-- "Here I stays,--
till the end of my days,"
That immovable Man of Kildare.
Turn to the girl sitting next to you at the bar and say, "I'm not really this tall, I'm sitting on my wallet."
How many light bulbs
Does it take to screw a shrink?
Oh, got it backwards.
These book puns have tickled your spine.
What does one vampire say to another before bed?
- I hope you have a fang-tastic day!
How do you know if there’s a snowman in your bed?
You wake up wet!
“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.” —Rod Stewart
How can you tell the difference between an English and French crow?
"PourCUAWWW! PourCUAWWW!"
You must be related to Alfred Nobel because baby you are dynamite!
What does the Pope eat during Lent?
Holy mackerel.
Hey girl, these swimming pool lane lines can't keep us apart.
Is this the transfiguration?
Because you are glowing.
Hey, so how do you spell your name?
OK, and how do you spell your number?
My lifeguard friend had come back home and wanted to do some work, so I gave him my computer to use. Now I have a screen-saver at my house.
I was only taught 22 letters of the alphabet.
I don't know Y TBH.
Two crows land on a park bench.
They were arrested for conspiring to murder.
My least favourite hue is purple. It's worse than red and blue combined.
A chemistry lab is like a big party.
Some drop the acid while others drop the base.
How do pigs get to the hospital?
In ham-bulances.
A Christian is a man who feels repentance on Sunday for what he did on Saturday and is going to do on Monday. -- Thomas Ybarra
I recently went to a soft fruit party, where all the food was berry based. It was cherrific.
We went to a fancy dress party
With a Haloween theme
There was me and my girlfriend
And her twin sister Irene
However after a drink or two
Alcohol caused a bit of a hitch
As with twin witches I couldn't
Tell which witch was which
One-one was a race horse. Two-two was one too. One-one won one race. Two-two won one too.
How do you circumcise a whale?
You send down four skin divers.
A third-grade teacher is getting to know her pupils on the first day of school.
She turns to one little girl and says, ‘And what does your daddy do?’
The girl replies, ‘Whatever Mummy tells him to.’
I had to clean my filter twice after I saw how beautiful you are because I couldn’t believe my Arabicas.
There’s a rumor going ‘round it’s my birthday today;
they say that I’m seventy years old..…no way.
too many candles to light,
it would take into the night.
When did I suddenly turn old and grey.
Some say I’m an old man and not too smart,
but I say don’t put the horse behind the cart;
‘cause age is just a number
not something to encumber,
and this old man is still young at heart.
I’m not usually one for Austin-tatious pickup lines, but I decided to make an exception for you.
What do you do if you find a black mamba in your toilet?
Wait until he’s finished.
What starts with a P, ends with an E, and has a million letters in it? Post Office!
When you cross a sheep and a wolf, you will end up with a new sheep, you can’t make such a costly mistake with wolves.
Can I go to France this year? Of Corsican!
The most suitable way to bake a pie in autumn is to bake it to pie-fection!
Roses are red, Violets are blue, You make my heart skip, I think I have Mobitz type II!
Whats the name of the movie about Bacon? Frankenswine, or you can go see Hamlet.
I need more than 140 characters to tell you how beautiful you are.
Funny Inspirational and Motivational Quotes
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.”
Zig Ziglar
What do you get if you cross a talking parrot with a gorilla?
I am not sure but if he says something you better damn well listen.
"Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it."
Anonymous
Where are neurons put in jail when they commit a crime?
A nerve cell.
A blond calls her mom...
Blond: "Mom mom!! I'm a genius!"
Mother: "Really dear? How's that possible?"
Blond: "I finished a puzzle that I've been working on for 1 year and on the box it said 'for 2-5 yrs'."
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