What happened when the koala tripped and fell in a crowded restaurant? He got embearassed.
I'm 6'6", 280lb, and I've played piano for 23 years
I'm a huge pianist.
They said I was an "old fart"
But I hardly think that's true
My boobs were done in '75
But my teeth and knees are new.
And since my eyes were lasered
I have 20/20 sight
Though I like to sit on 50k
And hate to drive at night.
All in all I object to "old"
But "fart" is another matter
For I think the valves that seal the gas
Now leak as I've got fatter.
To add to the indignity
And make me feel antique
Sometimes when I sneeze or cough
I spring a little leak.
So if you're feeling young and smug
With a body like brand new
Just remember in 30 years
This figure may be you!
(By Pamela J. Langdon)
"Lazy bones."
What is the best way to communicate with a fish?
Drop it a line!
Vincent Van Gogh met a knight during the latter part of his life, who inspired him to draw one of his most famous paintings - The Starry Knight.
When Chuck Norris writes, he makes paper bleed.
What do George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, and Christopher Columbus all have in common?
They seem to all been born on holidays.
Why were the kids throwing flour and bread at their school? They wanted to rise to the occasion.
If Russia attacked Turkey from behind do you think Greece would help?
Which dance will a chicken not do?
The foxtrot.
“Once you sign on to be a mother, 24/7 is the only shift they offer.”
- Jodi Picoult.
What do chicken families do on Saturday afternoon?
They go on peck-nics.
When I look into the Mirror of Erised, I see you giving me your number.
I really hate straws.
They suck.
You’re such an adventure, let me explore you.
A truck carrying Lego got into an accident on the motorway. No one knows what happened; the authorities are still trying to piece everything together.
What's a vampire's most favorite fruit? It must be a neck-tarine peach.
Working as a dock hand is hard,
but it's wharf it.
A crow invited his buddies over to hang out but they didn’t show up.
He was charged with attempted murder.
What do you call a cow with two legs?
Lean beef.
Do You Know How Crabs Get Around On Land?
They Use The Sidewalk!
Why do microwaves always mess up wifi...
...when every one I've tried creates hotspots?
Why was the football pitch a triangle?
Because someone took a corner
Did you hear about the computer virus that was programmed by a cat?
It's considered meowware!
What did Russian do after they made the vaccine ?
They Put-in.
Why was Yoda afraid of 7?
Because 6, 7, 8.
What happened to the wooden car with a wooden engine and wheels? It wooden go at all.
"As we grow older, our bodies get shorter and our anecdotes longer." - Robert Quillen"
I bet your number sounds even better than you look right now.
Do you like science because I've got my ion you.
What type of key opens a banana?
A monkey.
“Taurus: Lazy rule number 39: Can't reach it, don't need it.”
What did the doctor give the lollipop when he broke his leg
A candy cane.
Company coming?
And your house is a big mess?
Just put on lipstick.
“I used to believe my father about everything, but then I had children myself and now I see how much stuff you make up just to keep yourself from going crazy.”
- Brian Andreas.
You should give me your number..who knows, I Michael you later…
Me without you is like the Easter egg hunt without the Easter Eggs.
Q: How do two cherries make up after an argument?
A: They cherry the hatchet.
Did you hear about the bear with the bad heart?
It went into kodiak arrest.
Where do vegetables keep their money?
In the credit onion.
Where does a 500-pound penguin sit?
Anywhere it wants.
Roses are red, and violets are blue,
Your spaghetti is overcooked, it sticks like glue.
What do you call a cow that has 2 legs? Side of beef
What do you call a food waste disposter installed in the sink?
In-sink-erator
“I’ve got seven kids, the three words you hear most around my house are: “Hello, goodbye, and I’m pregnant”.
- Dean Martin.
A guy just walked into my store and bought a bunch of fog machines so I called the cops.
He must belong to an extreme mist organization.
While browsing the bookshop, I stuck a sheet of A4 paper to my wife's spine.
She said she wanted a paperback for her birthday.
Why did the burglars decide to rob a music store?
For the lute.
My wife left me because she thinks I'm too insecure...
No, wait, she's back. She was just making a cup of tea.
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