"It’s easy to meet expenses, everywhere we go, there they are." ~ Anonymus
Did you just swallow a magnet? Because I’m so attracted to you right now.
What do you call a small mosque in Spain?
A mosquito!
Are you a pranayama teacher? Because you just took my breath away.
Q. How did the wedding between the stag and the doe begin?
A. Deerly beloved...
Roses are red, violets are blue, Antarctica is hot compared to you.
If I had a star for every time you brightened my day, I'd have a galaxy in my hand.
Why shouldn't you even think about dating the blond outfielder who got hit in the head by a baseball?
Because she's a bad catch.
What’s a shark favorite substance?
Reefer.
What would you call a jellyfish combat veteran?
A man o' war.
How did the blond define hydrophobic on her chemistry exam? Fear of utility bills.
A nose visited its home town.
It was overcome with nostril-gia.
When the giant cannibals started to soak me in vinegar, I'd had enough.
"Why don't you pickle someone your own size?" I shouted.
What do you say to an overbearing pig? Stop porcine the issue.
What do you call a locomotive with a cold? A choo choo train.
“Aries: You can't handle me even if I came with instructions.”
Did you hear about the secret guild of bakers? They say that they only trade recipes on a knead to know basis.
What do you feed a 700 pound gorilla?
Just give him anything he wants and then run.
What do you call a spider with ten eyes?
A spiiiiiiiiiider.
Did you know the first Easter and ther first April Fools Day coincided as well?
The founder of both was a real trickster... He faked his own death!
What is a frog's favorite time?
Leap year.
What do a witch and a candle have in common?
They're both wicked.
Why do husbands appreciate hell?
At least there, they know what they did wrong.
I'm looking to sell my toothpaste collection.
Don't worry, they're all in mint condition.
What’s black and white and red all over?
A sunburned panda.
Did you hear about the panda that had a slight stutter?
Seems it’s a story that bears repeating.
“I can’t get out of bed on days when the temperature is less than my age.”
Why does Mr. Potato need a cell phone? Incase Mr. Onion Rings.
My banana grandad got in an accident last year, he bruised like a peach!
Why do ants work so hard?
They are all serv-ants.
Why are tigers striped? Because they never want to be spotted.
I wanna grow old together. I will stay with you even after I'm sixty-four!
I know why Solomon had 600 wives, because he never found you.
What do you call a royal goat wearing denim?
Billy Jean King.
Remember the city,
Remember the town,
Remember the s/he who ruined your birthday card.
By writing inside upside down!
What did the deer say after he finished eating?
“That was deer-licious!”
What do mosquitoes and relatives have in common?
They both share your blood.
I was at the beach today when I saw a man in the sea yelling “Help, shark! Help!”
I just laughed. I knew that shark wasn’t going to help him.
What is considered the tallest building in the world?
The library, because it has so many stories.
Why was the sedimentary rock so cheap?
It was always on shale.
"My wife had us register for fine china, because you never know when the Pope is going to swing by and want a microwaved hot dog on a $200 plate." — Jim Gaffigan
I hate scuba diving.
It was the lowest moment of my life.
Do you believe in love at first sight? Or should I run by again?
I was midway between the bow and the stern of my 120 foot yacht when suddenly I was surrounded by submarines that just surfaced...
I was amidship man.
What do you call a dog in a submarine?
A subwoofer.
People write Congrats because spelling Congrajlashins is hard.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
King Tut.
King Tut who?
King Tut-key fried chicken!
"I like the parts of your face that are covered with skin."
- Anchorman 2 (2013)
What makes the soup of a dragon so delicious is the addition of firecrackers.
A friend of mine was taking a bath when he realised he wasn’t a very good burglar.
Forget hydrogen, you're my number one element.
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