What do football players wear on their heads? Helminth
Why did the police arrest the turkey? They suspected it of fowl play
What's the key to a great Thanksgiving dinner? The turKEY
“When there’s a single thief, it’s robbery. When there are a thousand thieves, it’s taxation.”
– Vanya Cohen
What is a female "Douchebag" in France called??
A douche-baguette.
What's a vampire's favorite fruit?
A neck-tarine.
I started a company selling land mines disguised as prayer mats.
Prophets are going through the roof.
Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?
He was playing by ear.
Do you like short love affairs? I hate them - I've got all weekend.
What do you call a large gorilla who appears to be in a bad mood?
Sir.
Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
“What do snowmen eat for breakfast? Snowflakes.”
"If we shake out all of the crumbs from all of the keyboards in the world, we can end world hunger."
— Matthew Dolkart
A man started wearing a blanket to the office.
His colleagues began to suspect he was working undercover...
“The first 40 years of life give us the text; the next 30 supply the commentary on it.” – Arthur Schopenhauer
Why is grass so dangerous? Because it is full of blades!
I bought an underwater craft in a bright green color.
It's sublime!
What’s a tree’s favorite dating site?
Timber.
We've reached the point of snow return.
Why do blondes wear ponytails? To hide the valve stem!
Where do bad jokes about skeletons belong?
In the skelebin.
Are you religious?
Because your prayers have just been answered.
There was an Old Man who said, 'How
Shall I flee from that horribke cow?
I will sit on this stile,
And continue to smile,
Which may soften the heart of that cow.'
What do gnome standup comedians call a tiny pun?
Puny.
Double bubble gum, bubbles double
What did the mama elf say to her mischievous child?
“Stop elvesdropping on Santa!”
I want you to know I’m here for you no matter what, Alice. Tell me anything and Alice-en
-
I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail.
But apparently, you're not allowed to end a sentence with a proposition.
When are you due back in heaven?
Why did Dany stay home from the party? She wasn’t invited.
My dog is quite hip.
Except when he takes a dip.
He looks like a fool,
when he jumps in the pool,
and reminds me of a sinking ship.
A teacher sees a knife in Jimmy's backpack
"Don't worry sir, it's only a kitchen knife."
"And that?"
"Kitchen gun."
Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet? Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.
Roses aren’t red,
Violets are gray,
Ever since I looked at the sun,
It's been a bad day.
Did you hear about the owl who married a goat?
The had a hootenanny.
My Karate teacher is getting a divorce.
He is a great Sensei, but he's not very skilled at the marital arts.
When my teacher asked me if I knew who built the ark in History class, I answered, "I have Noah idea!"
Why did the doctor cross the road?
Hard to say really. Could be any number of reasons.
What does a workhorse like to drink?
A Moscow Mule.
What is a good place for bat jokes?
A public bat room.
Q. What haapens if a gorilla sits on your piano?
A. You get a flat note.
Did you hear about the abusive flashlight? It was charged with battery.
What happens if someone chucks a rock at you? You hit the rock’s bottom.
“Surely Sylvia swims!” shrieked Sammy surprised. “Someone should show Sylvia some strokes so she shall not sink.”
What do you call a Bee who is having a bad hair day? A Frisbee.
What does Santa bring naughty boys and girls on Christmas Eve? A pack of batteries with a note saying "toy not included".
Did you hear what happened when the decorator painted his wife with cheese? He double Gloucester!
You’re so attractive, the gravitational disturbance is causing my galactic center to elongate.
"I refuse to admit I’m more than fifty-two, even if that does make my sons illegitimate." - Nancy Astor
Hold me tight dear and I promise to send all my loving to you.
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