Are you made of grapes? Because you are fine as wine!
The Paddington bears don’t eat lots of marmalade sandwiches because they are already stuffed.
Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
They never let anyone finish a sentence!
You’re as sweet as Pi.
What will a space turkey say to another one? Hubble Hubble.
“People that cheat on their taxes truly disgust me. This is not the world I want to raise my 27 dependents in.”
What part of the brain deals with knowledge about plants?
The treefrontal cortex.
What do you call the last skeleton on earth?
The end-o skeleton.
Why didn't the mummy have any friends? Because he was too wrapped up in himself.
What do you call a cow in a rooster costume? Roost beef.
Why is pumpkin pie so much better than sweet potato pie?
Sweet potatoes are ungourdly.
What did the rainbow say to the pot of gold? You'll be the end of me.
If you think it's hard to meet new people, pick up the wrong golf ball on the course sometimes.
There’s a lot to be said about marriage, but we try not to say it in front of the children.
What do you calla watermelon that just won’t stop committing crimes? A watefelon.
“I really don’t play well with others on a Monday. Can I skip today and just start again with Tuesday?”
Ran out of toilet paper today. We’re now using lettuce leaves.
Today was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaines to be seen.
Why is the corn army so dysfunctional?
Cause there are too many Kernels.
Why didn't the corn chip advocate wear shoes?
They believed in Fritos.
Hey, was your daddy a barista because you are ALMOST what I ordered.
What sound do porcupines make when they kiss? Ouch
A canner, exceedingly canny,
One morning remarked to his granny.
A canner can can,
Anything that he can,
But a canner can't can a can, can he?.
No one could measure their height in medieval kingdoms.
Only the Ruler could.
What do alligators and Windows have in common?
Neither of them has enough bytes!
“You are one yoga class away from a good mood.” – Unknown
What type of hairstyle is popular with polar bears?
Frosted tips.
Where did the milk write everything about her life? In her dairy.
I can't stand stair lifts.
They drive me up the wall!
Your smile is brighter than the fireworks on the 4th of July.
What do you call a baby potato? Tater tots!
How do you know your eating rabbit soup? When there's a hare in it.
To the person who stole my coffee, my lamp, and my parrot…
I don’t know how you sleep at night.
Why are trees so active in politics? They really like grass roots movements.
My landlord said we need to talk about how high my heating bill is.
I replied: “Sure, my door is always open.”
“I do yoga to burn off the crazy” — Anonymous
You're old enough to know, my son,
It's really awfully rude
If someone speaks when both his cheeks
Are jammed and crammed with food.
Your mother asked you how you liked
the onions in the stew.
You stuffed your mouth with raisin bread
And mumbled, "Vewee goo."
Then when she asked you what you said,
You took a drink of milk,
And all that we could understand
Was, "Uggle gluggle skwilk."
And now you're asking me if you
Can have more lemon Jell-O.
Please listen carefully, "Yes, ifoo
Arstilla ungwy fello."
(Martin Gardner)
What did Katy Perry drink when she was little? Bust-Tea.
Let’s make some pour decisions.
When the ghost watched a sad movie he started boo-hooing.
Gnome Chat Up Line: Hey girl, is your name Juliet? ‘Cause my name is Gnomeo.
Who tells the best egg jokes?
Comedi-hens.
Did you hear about the forgetful unicorn mom? She kept feeding her kids milk of amnesia.
Which dinosaur is pure evil? Daemonosaurus.
“Everything goes better with tacos.”
― Rachel Caine
What do you call the Tooth Fairy in a lamp?
A Hygenie.
Did you hear about the injured vegetable? Some say he got beet.
“Yoga instructor just emailed to say class is moved and thanks for our flexibility.” – Unknown
What did the dolphin say when it broke its neighbor’s window?
It wasn’t on porpoise!
Lawyer: "Doctor, as a result of your examinations, would you say the woman was pregnant?"
Doctor: "Yes, she was pregnant, but not as a result of my examination."
(Taken from an actual trial)
“Finally, a Thanksgiving without a drunken uncle. Just me, my nieces and nephews and my bottle of Jack Daniels.” — Conan O’Brien
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