Summer is like the ultimate one-night stand...hot as hell, totally thrilling, and gone before you know it.

“A father is someone who carries pictures in his wallet where his money used to be” — unknown

Why did the chicken cross the basketball court?
He heard the referee calling fowls.

Did you know this mall has a movie theater? I just saw a preview of our life together. Looks pretty good!

I'm feeling exceptionally alone in this cold weather. It's probably because I'm completely ice-olated.

How do you get a trombonist off your doorstep?
Pay them for the pizza.

Birch, please.

What did the lamps do after their date?
They got turned on.

(While she’s leaving) "Hey, aren’t you forgetting something?"
Girl: "What?"
"Me."

I can't hear out of my ear...
It's really EAR-itating.

“Aries: You can't handle me even if I came with instructions.”

“I put my phone in airplane mode, but it’s not flying!"

What happens if life gives you melons? Your dyslexic

Why is it hard to carry on a conversation with a goat?
Because they are always butting in.

After suffering weak gain at the poles, the National Transistor Party has been trying to energize their base.

You must be from Quebec because these feelings I have for you are Mont-real.

What sort of ball doesn’t bounce?
A snowball!

Q: Why is it so windy in England?
A: Because Harry Kane (hurricane) lives there..

What do chickens study in school?
Eggonomics.

What Do You Call A Clever Duck?
A wise quacker

“Three rebels against the light: the thief, the adulterer, and the bat.”

- Hebrew Proverb.

I just tossed a penny into the fountain, want to make my wish come true?

A slat spreading truck knocked me off my bike last year. I yelled “You idiot!” through gritted teeth.

What’s the best Christmas present in the whole world?
A broken drum—you can’t beat it!

Why don't murderers often attend tea parties?
They prefer a casual tea.

I’ll be your trick if you’ll be my treat.

What's the difference between Hummus and Humus?
"mmmm"

What did the mushroom request when booking his hotel? A shroom with a view, please!

I don't get why a kid in my son's Pre-K class gave everyone an inflatable sword as a party favor for their birthday.
It's pointless.

What do you call a pig with a rash? Ham and eczema.

Do you also feel the strong gravitational pull of my bed?

A well-loved parrot died, and was digitally immortalized in a 3D rendering.
Polygon but not forgotten.

What’s a snow princess’s glow worm’s favourite song?
Let it Glow, Let it Glow!

What do lawyers snack on?
Plea-nuts.

Every player knows pretty well that they cannot afford to go through life without goals.

You're just my cup of tea!

My neighbour didn't like it when I told him off about hoarding toilet paper
To be honest, I think he was being very anal about it.

What is a cow's favorite deli meat? Bull-ogna!

When you want to propose to a person who loves strawberries, just say, "I love you berry much."

Why are bad knitters and Christmas trees alike? They both drop their needles.

“It is a grave error to assume that ice cream consumption requires hot weather.”
- Anne Fadiman

What did one skeleton say to the other skeleton?
- You’re dead to me.

“A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.”

- Jerry Seinfeld.

If I had a dollar for every time I was suspicious ...
I'd wonder why I got so much water.

What do you call a bad cheese grater?
A cheese lesser.

What do chic evergreens wear for cruelty-free fashion? Faux fir.

I only have ice for you.

Do you know how deeply I love you?
So deeply I don’t even need to finish this poem or even make it rhyme!

What did the marathoner do after he won the race?
He decided to go into politics and run for office.

Taking a romantic ride today,
We sat upon the wagon.
Suddenly the horse lifted his tail
And we heard a roaring dragon!

The deafening sound hurt my ears
And the smell burned the hairs in my nose.
My girlfriend sat and glared at me.
Somehow my fault I suppose.

It was my idea to take the ride,
But how was I to know?
It really wasn't in my plans;
Didn't know the horse would blow.

The noise and the smell were bad enough,
As the wind blew quickly by.
But I think the very worst of it,
Was the brown stuff in my eye.

My girlfriend's face turned angry red.
So I figured I wouldn't dare,
Advise her of the smelly pieces
Of horse stuff in her hair.

The horse finally stopped; my girl ran away,
Stubbornly lifting her chin.
I think that horse was enjoying himself,
Cause I'm sure I saw him grin.

A lesson learned for me today.
Although I must confess,
I laughed so hard I nearly cried
As I wiped away the mess.

(by Annabel Sheila)