I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here."
- Stephen Bishop
You are un-beer-lievable!
Why did Frankenstein turn to solar?
For the free charge.
I tried to play a bass guitar once.
It didn't make much sound, and it slipped out of my hands and swam away.
Have you heard about the chef on space station? He’s not that much of an astronaut, but his food is literally out of this world!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Italy!
Italy who?
Italy all over in the morning.
Champions are the breakfast of Chuck Norris.
The Bee Gees were such fans of onions that they even dedicated a song to it. They named it 'Chives Talking'.
Why do skeletons get sick on windy days?
It goes right through them.
“Beverly Hills is very exclusive. For instance, their fire department won’t make house calls.”
Mort Sahl
Why is everyone mad when the pig crosses the road?
Because he’s a road hog.
What did the salt say when the phosphate asked to bond with it?
"NaCl ater."
Let's Taco about love.
Chuck Norris fell down from a 10 story building.
people start gathering around him, asking "What happened? what happened?"
Chuck: "Don't know, I just got here."
Many people believe liquid soap is more hygienic than soap bars.
Don't listen to them, it is only a slippery soap argument.
There was an Old Man of the East,
Who gave all his children a feast;
But they all ate so much
And their conduct was such
That it killed that Old Man of the East.
Nowadays oranges have decided to go out with prune. The reason is that it is becoming so hard to find a date.
I thought of premeditated murder and a flash mob of crows came to my mind.
What do you call a kangaroo that’s exhausted from trespassing?
Out of bounds.
What kind of pizza do you order on Christmas?
Cheeses Crust.
I will only give someone a kleenex if I've known them for a long time.
I guess you could say I have trust-tissues.
What does a vampire do after taking a shower?
It stands on a bat mat.
Ancient Rome
Two friends are talking:
- you know how many girls I had?
- mmm?
- No, not that many...
You and the sun have one thing in common. You are both radiant.
An error has occurred, please try again!
Oh sorry but my system can't process something beautiful like you.
Why did the River go to the doctor? Her flow wouldn't stop.
What did the bread say before it jumped into the toaster?
"I'M BREADY TO DIE"
I hate oranges. Will you be my main squeeze?
How many prison guards does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None they just beat the room for being black.
“A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.'”
Claude Pepper
What do you call a dad joke about skeletons?
A skele-pun!
How can a clam cram in a clean cream can?
What kind of ghoul has the best hearing?
The eeriest!
Where does a dinosaur lay in the sun? At the dino-shore
How many concertmasters does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but it takes four movements.
What words do windmills live by? One good turn deserves another!
What do you call an owl who knows how to do magic tricks?
Hoodini.
Wouldn't we look cute on a wedding cake together?
Shamrocks and shenanigans for all!
What do you get when you use a cookie cutter shaped like a deer? Cookie doe!
Where do vampire bats go to take out a loan?
To the blood bank.
What music are balloons scared of? Pop music
Remember when I asked you out? Well, I was talking to the girl behind you.
Hey girl, are you a newspaper?
Because you get picked up by random guys on the bus.
Have you heard about the latest restaurant that opened up on moon?
No, how is that restaurant?
Babe, all the trail leads straight to you.
Why can't your nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot!
I give roughing a whole new definition.
The vampire decided to eat a throat lozenge. It was the only thing he could think of to stop his coffin fit.
What key on the keyboard is truly out of this world?
The spacebar.
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