Knock Knock
Who's there?
Irish!
Irish who?
Irish you a happy St. Patrick's Day!
Why are popsicles so snobby?
They have a stick up their butt.
Q. What do they call the gorilla marathon runner who only wins when it's pouring outdoors?
A. The raining chimp-ion.
Which is the longest word in the dictionary? "Smiles", because there is a mile between each "s"!
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Annie
Annie who?
Annie one you like!
What did the horse say when it saw a sheepdog?
“Why is your furlong?”
Ooh, you look boo-tilicious!
What is the healthiest fruit?
“An orange. It takes Vitamin See!”
How much did the pirate pay for his peg and hook?
An arm and a leg!
What do you call a perfume that missed its deadline?
Eau de too late.
Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.
What will you call two quizzers having a date in spain comic con?
Spanish con-quiz-daters.
Daughter: Did you get a hair cut?
Dad: No sweetheart I got em all cut.
You must have a C3 convertase inhibitor because you’re impossible to complement. You’re already perfect.
What do you call a criminal vampire?
A fangster.
What did the goat say when he woke up on a train?
I have no idea how I goat here.
Q: What did the Pharaoh do when he needed help moving his gold?
A: He hired-a-glyphics.
Do you mind if I slip my rope under your route?
What do you call a slow skier?
A slopepoke!
Do you squat here often?
Hey girl, are you a newspaper?
Because there's a new issue with you every f**king day.
My aunt showed up to our Halloween party wearing ranch bottle costume. She was an hour late.
Her response: Sorry, I was getting dressed.
"There is no WiFi in the forest but you will find a better connection."
Why can’t you borrow money from a leprechaun?
They’re always a little short.
How do baby chickens dance?
Chick-to-chick.
“I’m a Capricorn and I’m mad loyal — mad loyal! — and I will always look for the good in people.”
— Jeannie Mai
If you think the 45 degree ski slope is tough,
Wait until you try the 110 degree hot tub!
Why is it better to smell roses and lemons than a pile of poop?
It’s just plain common scents.
I’m positive I just lost an electron.
Better keep an ion that.
There was an Old Person of Bangor,
Whose face was distorted with anger!
He tore off his boots,
And subsisted on roots,
That irascible Person of Bangor.
What do you call a baby monkey? A Chimp off the old block.
What do you call a dinosaur that's a noisy sleeper? A Bronto-snorus.
Who did Frankenstein take to the prom?
His ghoul friend.
There was an Old Person of Cheadle,
Who was put in the stocks by the beadle
For stealing some pigs,
Some coats, and some wigs,
That horrible person of Cheadle.
“Beat the 5 o’clock rush, leave work at noon.” — Anonymous
Thank god I'm wearing gloves because you are too hot to handle.
My father quietly retired from his job as an eye glass manufacturer yesterday.
He didn’t want to make a spectacle.
I asked my son to stop leaving the freezer door open.
I told him, “This is why we can’t have ice things.”
“Hope my relatives are getting along with the professional line sitter I hired to hold my place at the front of the Thanksgiving food line.” —John Lyon
They were building a meat tower next door.
The steaks just kept getting higher.
On Thanksgiving, why did the turkey cross the table?
To get to the other sides.
Is it bad to swallow a cherry whole? No don't worry, it's just one of the pitfalls of life.
What country do marathoners retire to?
Iran.
What does a magician penguin say?
“Pick a cod, any cod…”
How do you know a flmaingo has stolen your shoes?
Only one shoe is missing.
A man has been arrested in South Africa for shooting a giant chess set
What's wrong with those big game hunters?!
Would you like to share fire with me?
Are you a musician? Because you make my heart go staccato.
I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth today
Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent.
What is invisible and smells like carrots?
A Rabbit's flatulence.
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