What did the goat farmer’s wife say to her husband when he was swearing on the job?
“Not in front of the kids!”
How does the Easter bunny stay in shape?
Lots of eggs-ercise!
A magic tractor drove down the road and turned into a field!
If you were born and raised in France, what does that make you?
French bred.
My trucker friend was super excited about his new house. I asked him why, and he told me it had a really long haul way.
“My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that’s not so bad, but New York City?”
Henny Youngman
That raven is so stubborn at times, he just needs to crow up.
It’s so cold that I’m breathing out snowflakes!
Tomorrow the planet will be one year older..
Happy bEarthday!
My friends and I are starting a disco group.
We'll dress as a Viking, a Mongol, a Caribbean pirate, a Bedouin raider, and a Spanish conquistador.
We call ourselves: The Pillage People.
What do emo birds call their mouths?
Bleaks.
"There are many challenges to long distance running, but one of the greatest is the question of where to put one’s house keys."
Gabrielle Zevin
What did the health-nut say to himself at the gym? “No pine, no gain”
I don't like clouds. They're always throwing shade.
"Roses are red, Violets are blue. Garbage is dumped, now so are you."
Black Beauty - Now there's a dark horse.
What did the street cheese say after he got attacked by several blades? I've felt grater.
Are you the sun?
Because you should stay 93 million miles away from me.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers yesterday but couldn't find any.
Romeo & Juliet.doc...
...is a play on Word.
What’s the self-care mantra of elves after the holiday season ends?
“Treat yo’elf.”
Learning how to collect trash wasn’t hard.
I just picked it up as I went along.
I wanna live in your socks so I can be with you every step of the way.
Robviously, I couldn’t help but ask you out
What do you call a large group of sick pandas?
A Pandamic.
What’s a Chinese bear’s favorite organ of the body?
The panda-creas.
What do you call a white crow?
A caw-casian.
“I intend to live forever. So far, so good.”
Steven Wright
The directions for my new dandruff shampoo are very confusing.
It's a real head-scratcher!
I got a new cell phone for my wife...
Pretty awesome trade if you ask me!
What do you call a banana who gets all the girls?
A banana smoothie.
Just burned 2,000 calories.
That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
I can think of an activity that'll make you sweat even more than a 90 minute hot yoga class...
“A baseball game is twice as much fun if you’re seeing it on the company’s time.” — William C. Feather
I love you from my head tomato
Are you into hockey? That's great because I'd like to score.
Did you hear about the guy who had an addiction to cheddar cheese?
It was only mild.
Even though there's no ball game on tonight, we can still slam it.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Snow
Snow who?
Snow business like show business!
it was my pet dragon's birthday today
We lit the candles on his cake. He was really upset when he tried to blow them out.
Which type of wine do horses request most often?
Chardon-neigh.
“Seriousness is stupidity sent to college.”
- P. J. O’Rourke
I dressed up as bacon for halloween.
To say the least, i was looking pretty CRISP.
My wife asked if I'd be available to drain some vegetables next week.
I said I'd check my colander.
“Money doesn’t solve all problems but it could solve my money problem.” – Anonymous
I’ve always wanted to be a farmer’s wife.
Why did the blond enter the tennis courts naked?
Because the sign said tennis shoes only.
You're like baseball: You make me all nervous
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
A herd.
A herd who?
A herd you were home, so I came over!
We could make such a beautiful library together.
“Dear winter, stop being so romantic, I’m single here.”
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