Why do trees like to watch Star Trek? They really relate to the Captain’s log.
Did you hear about the incident at the tiger exhibit?
It was a big cat-astrophe
Which football playoff team are Star Trek fans rooting for ?
The Green Bay Picards.
What's the first bet that most people make in their lives? the alpha bet
What do you call a flower with a mouth?
Tulip.
Where do you bury dead cutlery?
In it's final resting plates.
I'm pretty sure all history teachers are necromancers
They only care about the dead.
What does a short sighted detective wear?
Suspectacles
They do it without realizing,
They don't really have a clue,
Reading between the lines,
Is something they just can't do.
When there is an argument,
They think they're always right,
No matter what we say or do,
They didn't start the fight.
They blame it on our hormones,
And never take the rap,
If they call us moody b*****s,
Then they get a slap.
(Jessica Miles)
The navy is now taking dogs along on their submarines
They're subwoofers
I was sailing my boat when a massive hand rose out of the water and then slowly disappeared...
I thought, 'That's the biggest wave I've ever seen!'
Why was Van Helsing so dedicated to killing Count Dracula?
Because he staked his whole reputation on it!
The earth's rotation really makes my day.
What should you do if a car is annoying you.
Give the car a head rest.
What do you say to an avocado who’s done a good job?
“Bravocado!”
From up here, I Cannes see the whole French Riviera!
Why did the sponge wake up early?
To get the moist out of the day.
Why did the monkey like the banana? Because it had appeal!
Whens the best time to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurty
What do gnomes love to sing while gardening?
Gnome Worry, Bee Happy.
Where does a penguin keep its money?
In a snow bank.
Q: What was the most important holiday in ancient Egypt?
A: Mummy's Day.
I only wanted a week's supply of sweets instead I got a lifetime supply because I got you.
The oranges have great eyesight because they always keep their eyes peeled.
Don't ever think dentists are perfect individuals
They most certainly have floss.
Apple is announcing a new cell phone for children.
iKid you not.
Why do seals swim in salt water ?
Because pepper water makes them sneeze.
I think I’m developing tics. I just can’t help but wink at you.
My son wanted to know what it's like to be married. I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.
We caught the drummer of our band masturbating over his drum kit...
I guess the pervert thinks of them as s*x cymbals.
Have you heard of the hair stylist that refuses to cut hair?
If she won't cut hair to earn a living, she'll certainly dye.
“In order to maintain a well-balanced perspective, the person who has a dog to worship him should also have a cat to ignore him.” —Peterborough Examiner, Canada
Why did the swan hiss? Biologically, it’s coded in their genes to do so when threatened.
You're the only sight I want to see today.
Why did the ghoul eat a light bulb?
Because it wanted a light snack!
How can you tell if you're at a classy Viking restaurant?
They have Valhallet parking
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.
“Work is the greatest thing in the world, so we should always save some of it for tomorrow.” — Don Herold
Why should you never rob a bank with a pig?
They always squeal.
I feel like God's telling me that you should go on a date with me.
You: Can I borrow a quarter?
She: why? (if she says sure or something else get her to ask you why).
You: so I can call my mom and tell her I just met the girl of my dreams.
Cops should feed beans on very tiny plates to the suspects they're interrogating.
That way they're always gonna end up spilling the beans.
“Being a mom means kids banging on the bathroom door like SWAT, asking for a drink, while you’re in the shower. And Dad is in the kitchen.” – @SarcasticMommy4
Deja moo:
That feeling you've heard this bull before.
My sister's laptop is so sassy and fun, it loves to play disc-o music.
When should you stop for a glow worm? When he has a red light.
Apparently my password needs to be capitals only so I've changed it to LONDONMADRIDROME.
In my nursing class we just learned how to bathe people... can I practice on you?
Chuck Norris looked directly at the sun today...
And the sun got so scared it hid behind the moon.
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