My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."
"...a TOE TRUCK!!??"
There once was a farmer from Leeds,
Who swallowed a packet of seeds.
It soon came to pass,
He was covered with grass,
But has all the tomatoes he needs.
- Dad, where are the DVDs? Where's Shrek, I want to watch it.
- Somewhere ogre there.
There are 4 rings men need for marriage - The first is an engagement ring, then a wedding ring, then suffe-ring and endu-ring.
Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve? Because it soot's him Why are Christmas trees so fond of the past? Because the present's beneath them.
What do ghosts drink on St Patricks Day?
BOOs.
Cooking a Hawaiian pizza and don't want to burn it?
Be sure to cook it at aloha temperature.
When the well-read bird decided to open a restaurant, he named it Red Robin.
You are photon quanta to my valence electron because you excite me to a higher energy level.
I've always wondered if it was easy to catch Bigfoot...
I was relieved when my doctor told me it wasn't a disease.
It's so hot that I went to hell just to cool off.
A real Christian is a person who can give his pet parrot to the town gossip. -- Billy Graham
My computer's favorite singer is A Dell.
The day I made that statement, about the inventing the internet, I was tired because I'd been up all night inventing the Camcorder.
Al Gore
A pirate I know likes clothes made by an Italian fashion giant...
He dresses in Argh-mani suits.
What do witches in Australia ride?
Broomerangs.
Nobody wants to sit next to the watermelon in the class because it has a strange smelon.
What’s worse than one crocodile coming to dinner?
Two crocodiles coming to dinner.
What might folks in Tokyo find between Godzilla's toes?
Slow runners.
Where do elves go to get famous?
Holly-wood.
Paddy like a rockstar.
Me: "Siri, why am I alone?"
Siri: *opens front facing camera*
Last week, I met someone who specialized in the studies of shrubs and grasses. He called himself Neil De-grass-y Tyson!
What is the most depressed river in Southern Europe? The Crimea River.
Hey there cyclist, I wheelie like you!
It’s so hot Adam and Eve traded their fig leaves for ice cubes.
Is your eyesight as bad as your cell phone reception? Because that was a terrible call.
Why did the Easter Bunny go to the doctor?
It was time for his annual eggzam.
What did the Easter Bunny say to its partner? We make one egg-celllent couple.
What do you call a frog with no back legs?
Unhoppy.
Napoleon may not have designed the coat he wore…
But he did have a hand in it.
What kind of tea did the American Colonists want?
Liberty.
What is red, white, and blue over winter break?
A sad candy cane.
Did you hear about the new Smashing Pumpkins cover band?
They call themselves Squished Squash!
Whats the name of the movie about Bacon? Frankenswine, or you can go see Hamlet.
I like my pasta the way I like my medieval Italian literature.
All Dante.
“Can he have this?” With first baby: “Is it organic and homemade?” After second baby: “He can have anything except narcotics and alcohol.” - Unknown
Where do doubtful Egyptians get their water from?
Denial River.
Which HOF defenceman was nicknamed The Gravedigger? Denis Plotvin.
How does a cheese tell you they want to be with you?
“I think you and I would look gouda together.”
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a fish?
Swimming trunks!
It’s a good thing I have my library card because I am totally checking you out.
What do polite whales always say?
You’re whale-come.
“Don’t be a jogger, they’re the one’s who find dead bodies.” – Amanda Brooks
A math professor gets back home at 3 AM.
“You’re late!” his wife shouts. “You said you’d be home by 11:45!”
“Actually,” the professor replies calmly, “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”
“The older I get, the better I used to be.” – Lee Trevino
What did one blade of grass say to another about the lack of rain?
I guess we'll just have to make dew.
Is your nickname cream cheese? Because you’re about to get bageled.
What do you find if you hang from a cherry tree for hours and hours? You find that your arms get sore.
When my great-grandad went bald, he built a machine to weave himself a wig out of yarn. He then gave it to my grandad, who then gave it to my dad - and one day, it will be mine.
It’s our family hair loom.
What do you say to a kangaroo on its birthday?
Hoppy Birthday.
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