Why will you not want to give a bath to the Saturn? It would then leave a ring around the tub.
What would a winged horse play in a band?
The pegabass guitar.
I seen my father pouring chicken soup over his compost yesterday
I suppose chicken soup IS good for the soil.
Why do cats not laugh at jokes? They take things too litter-ally.
I put my fancy shirts in the freezer before I wear them.
It's cold fashion, look it up!
At Thanksgiving, my brother tried to carve the turkey with a grapefruit spoon.
He’s not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
Why is Facebook like jail? You have a profile picture, you sit around all day writing on walls, and you get poked by guys you really don't know.
The judge sentenced the basketball player to life imprisonment because he shot the ball.
Wooden door; wide and creaky.
Sculking cat; snide and sneaky.
Skeletons; cold and clanky.
Madame Witch; old and cranky.
Ancient paintings; strange and spooky.
Watching eyes; crazed and looky.
Blackest bat; fast and flappy.
Venus Flytrap; mighty snappy.
Wailing ghosts; always moany.
Piano playing on its owny.
Time to go! Scream and shouty!
Read the sign – ‘No Way Out-y!’
- Julie Anna Douglas
What is a Ghost’s favourite treat? Ice-scream floats.
You're the sinoatrial node of my heart. Without you, even a defibrillator won't save me.
Why do trolls live under bridges?
To troll goats!
I General Lee do not find punny history jokes about the Civil War funny.
There was a Young Lady of Poole,
Whose soup was excessively cool;
So she put it to boil
By the aid of some oil,
That ingenious Young Lady of Poole.
I just found out that Mercedes is donating state-of-the-art street sweepers to some of the largest cities around the world to help fight littering.
They're calling it Mercedes-clenz.
“I’m so naive about finances. Once my mother mentioned an amount and I realized I didn’t understand, she had to explain, ‘That’s like three Mercedes.’ Then I understood.” – Brooke Shields
It took God seven days to make the world but it'll only take seven digits for you to change mine.
French people give me the crepes.
"Front Row"
My desk is in the first two rows
that’s just beneath the teacher’s nose
Her eyes are on me, just like glue.
She watches everything I do.
I raise my hand. I seldom speak.
I swear I am the perfect geek.
I wish I was row four or five,
and then I’d really come alive.
I’d throw some spitballs, pass some notes.
I’d really get the teacher’s goat.
I’d make them laugh. I’d be a ham.
I like to joke. That’s who I am.
My teacher knows — and what I fear
Is that is why she keeps me near.
– Denise Rodgers
"Parenting is basically just listening to yourself talk because nobody else is." - Unknown
I'm sorry I'll have to confiscate your driving license...
Because you are driving me crazy!
I bought a pumpkin for Halloween but it was broken
So i had to get a pumpkin patch.
What do you get if you cross a new born snake with a basketball?
A bouncing baby boa.
Hi, I see that you're new to this gym, and I wanna be the first male to bother you.
"You crack me up."
Which band were way ahead of their time in the stage lighting department?
LED Zeppelin.
What is a DJs favorite vegetable?
A turnip.
“How are you? ” “Well, I yam fried”
What do you call a guy who only rides children's bicycles?
A pedalphile
What's a barista's favorite exercise at the gym? The French press.
Did you know there is a new horse species with one eye and a horn?
It's called a unicornea.
Something in the way you move attracts me like no other
Why did the skeleton go to jail?
Because he was bad to the bone.
What car make did the Apostles drive?
Honda… because the apostles were all in one Accord.
What did the cheese say after escaping the mouse? I'm Brieeee!
Failed my art exam by using the wrong pencil.
It wasn't 2b.
I’m o-fish-ally in love with you.
Why do words and punctuation end up in court? To be sentenced.
It’s pretty easy to choose your favorite type of bird
Flamingos have a leg up on all the rest.
what do doctors use to draw blood?
A needle?
No, a red crayon!
What’s black, white and red all over?
A penguin with a sunburn.
What do you call a dog’s back teeth?
Canine canines.
What’s Austrian and took over France?
Croissants.
What reassuring advice did the meninges give to the brain?
"Don't worry, I've got you covered."
"I'm so conflicted when my husband does the laundry. On one hand, he did the laundry. On the other, my clothes can now be sold at Gap Kids." - Molly McNearney
Why did the corn cross the road?
Because it was being stalked.
"Is that a yay or cabernet?"
“Sorry, I can’t hear you over the sound of how awesome I am.”
— Harvey Specter
“Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn’t show up on X-Rays, but you know it’s there.” - George Burns
What does a vampire bat call a bloodmobile?
Meals on Wheels.
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