What do you call bananas that don't stick up for themselves? A bunch of pansies.
"Thirty-five is a very attractive age. London society is full of women of the very highest birth who have, of their own free choice, remained thirty-five for years." - Oscar Wilde
I wouldn't say I liked the documentary that I had watched on the history of WD-40. It was non-friction.
I googled 'lost medieval servant boy'
The result was 'This page cannot be found.'
What do skiers order at fast food restaurants?
Icebergers with Chilly Sauce, on the slide.
Dear Dog
You cower and hide
As I fill up the tub
Yet when I go outside
And turn on the hose
You follow me gladly
For a spray up the nose
A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"
What is a cowboy’s favorite tree?
A horse chestnut tree.
“I’m giving thanks that we don’t have to go through this for another year.” — Adele Larson, “Home for the Holidays”
Why was the math book sad?
Because it had so many problems.
Hop on board my yellow submarine and I'll make you twist and shout.
Dear Mother in law...Don't teach me how to bring up my children...
I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement.
What do you call a connection between two points in space-time through which only dragons can pass?
A wyrmhole.
My eating utensils were forged from forged steel, so don't mess with me or I'll fork you up.
A beaver told a joke about a waterfall. It was a pour joke.
Who is a beaver's most favorite pop singer ever? Justin Beaver.
What does Santa often say to Mrs Claus? Come and look at the rain-dear.
This whole birthday thing is getting old, don’t you think?
Rudder valve reversals
Why don't aliens get hungry after being blasted into space?
Because they've just had a big launch.
Why did we get sunglasses for you?
Well, we know what is true.
When the candles on your cake are lit
It will be bright we will admit.
(Theodore Higgingsworth)
Want to plan a ride up the hill. It feels great when you're on top.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Wayne
Wayne who?
Wayne in a manger!
I asked my son to go get me a phone book. He laughed, called me a dinosaur, and handed me his iPhone.
The spider is dead, the iPhone screen is cracked, and my son is furious!
Whenever I see you my heart races. I hope to win first place.
I didn’t want to play it safe with a skeleton costume, I want people to know I have guts.
The word says "Give drink to those who are thirsty, and feed the hungry."
How about dinner?
“The most delightful advantage of being bald—one can hear snowflakes.”
– R. G. Daniels
“Is it Monday already? I’m almost positive I did not get my entire portion of the weekend.”
Which Hollywood actor can tell his car's odometer reading without looking at it?
Miles Teller
"Sometimes I get the feeling the aspirin companies are sponsoring my headaches." - V.L. Allineare
What do you get if you cross a new born snake with a basketball?
A bouncing baby boa.
What did the football player say to the flight attendant?
"Put me in coach."
What type of bread do deers enjoy the most?
“Sour-doe!”
The lobster and the crab one day
Proposed a friendly race.
Agreed upon the time were they,
Agreed upon the place.
The start and finish lines were where
The two thought they should be.
The crayfish with a clock was there
To act as referee.
And though the rule-book then was read,
Not all was clarified;
For as the lobster forward sped
The crab went to the side.
(Jeffrey Krise)
What do you call a baby tree struck by lightning?
A zapling.
“Feliz navi-dog!”
Is your name Sunshine? Because you are “In my soul today”.
I would not be able to picture myself without having a camera phone.
I wish I were cross-eyed so I can see you twice
Which Finn is like a hotdog on the ice? Teemu Salami.
What did the shark say to the whale?
What are you blubbering about?
My pen ran out of ink and an ink fairy in the shape of a squid appeared. He said if I let him eat my dinner of shrimp he'd help me out by giving me some ink. The deal smelled kind of fishy, but I needed to finish my homework.
So we did it squid pro quo.
What kind of bed does a mermaid sleep in? A water
“You know why fish are so thin? They eat fish.
- Jerry Seinfeld"
“Where are we? About halfway…to somewhere.”
What do you call water that is good for you?
Well water.
“The taxpayer—that’s someone who works for the federal government but doesn’t have to take the civil service examination.” — Ronald Reagan.
I may not be the biggest football fan, but I love tight ends.
Let me sell you an indulgence because it's a sin to look as good as you do.
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