When does soil get rich?
When mother nature makes it rain.
I'm not anti-social.
I'm just not user friendly.
"The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired." — Milton Berle
An egg walks into a bar...
And makes a real mess.
What is the deer’s favorite food group?
“Deer-y products!”
“Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy beer." ~ Gary Reilly
Where do penguins go to dance?
The snow ball.
"Watermelon - it's a good fruit. You eat, you drink, you wash your face."
— Enrico Caruso
My race time today was much better than yesterday. I was in a whole different gear.
Do you have raisins? How about a date?
In Italy there is a group pf moms creating soft cheese...
They brand themselves as MOMzarella.
I tried making a machine that shoots bullets out of your fingers, but it shot out my spine instead.
Well, that back fired.
Have you heard of the new squirrel diet?
“It’s just nuts.”
Some might say the violinists in an orchestra don’t do much.
They just fiddle around.
I said to my son, "There's only one thing about Halloween that scares me."
He asked, "Which is?"
I replied, "Exactly!"
Why did the Gorilla fail its exam? He didn't have the ape-titude.
What does Pooh Bear call his girl friend?
Hunny.
Why are urinals the worst place to spend time?
Because it’s where all the di**s hang out.
Why did the Buddhist gorilla get locked out of his monastery?
He forgot his monk-key
Why do vampires eat lentils?
Because they are so into pulses.
Q. After the stripper is done, what happens at a stag party?
A. Deer-ty dancing.
“I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.” Douglas Adams.
If a police officer pulls a U-Haul truck over...
did he just bust a move?
What do you call an emergency in the spring?
May day.
What was the pumpkin's favorite sport?
Squash.
Why do people say "hit the showers"
What did the showers ever do to you?
The dock keeps floating above the river because of the pier- pressure.
What type of car does a cowboy drive?
Audi partner.
What do you call a kangaroo DJ?
Disc joey.
Chuck Norris had to stop washing his clothes in the ocean. Too many tsunamis.
I fence-y you.
I've been taking Viagra for my sunburn.
It doesn't cure it but it keeps the bed sheets off my legs at night.
“If owl parties aren't called hootenannies, this world will never make sense again."
- Reverend Badger
Why couldn't the warden decide whether to allow the prison football team play the professional football team?
The idea had its pros and cons.
What would Santa’s name be if he wore orange instead of red?
Fanta Claus.
"Your diet is a bank account. Good food choices are good investments."
— Bethenny Frankel
How do you know flowers are capable of kissing?
They have tulips.
I recently got a new job as a golf caddy, but I was fired after less than an hour.
The guy asked me for a sand wedge. I don't think he likes pickle.
While I was driving, I saw another person driving while talking on his cell phone.
I got so mad, I threw my beer at him.
By any chance, is your atomic number 11? Well, it’s because you are sodium fine!
It’s so cold our hats have turned into ice caps.
“I love road trips. You get into this Zen rhythm; throw the sense of time out the window.”
– Miriam Toews
What do you call your sibling’s daughter, who is famous?
Star anise
Hey girl, do you ref during the playoffs? Cause you look like you can swallow a whistle.
Which tooth did Avogadro have pulled?
One of his mole-ars
I regret rubbing ketchup in my eyes
But that's Heinz sight.
"I have been to almost as many places as my luggage."
Why could the toilet paper not stop?
Because it was on a role.
Stolen. Stealing is bad and you should return it. Here are some of our favorite corny puns that are so bad they’re good.
Speed and Velocity are brothers.
Velocity has a family, is rich and teaches classes around the world.
Speed dropped out and still lives with his parents.
They think Speed lacks Direction.
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