What do you see when the Pillsbury Doughboy bends over? Doughnuts!
What type of chocolate do they sell at the airport?
Plane Chocolate!
Is it true that a dinosaur won't attack if you hold a tree branch? That depends on how fast you carry it!
2 years ago, the doctor told me I was losing my hearing.
Haven't heard from him since then.
“Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.”
Which Star Wars character was the orange cast for?
Emperor Pulpatine.
Why is 6 afraid of 7?
It’s not. Numbers aren’t sentient and are therefore incapable of feeling fear.
What did the pepperoni say to the cook?
You wanna pizza me?
What do you call a snowman on rollerblades?
A snowmobile.
“Everyone knows that if you’ve got a brother, you’re going to fight.”—Liam Gallagher
Why are goldfish orange?
The water makes them rusty.
What's easy to get into but hard to get out of? Trouble
My love for you is as crazy as mad cow disease.
What do you can an ant scientist?
Albert Antstein.
“They can't collect legal taxes from illegal money."
— Al Capone
If ten zombies run after you, what time is it?
Ten after one.
I'm pretty sure I was blind before I met you.
What do dogs increase?
The pup-ulation.
What did the boy volcano say to the girl volcano? I Lava You!
What is the difference between a chemist and a geologist? While a geologist will drink anything fermented, a chemist just
drinks anything that is distilled.
You must be a bowling ball since you’re right up my alley.
What were the ponies most excited for in the meal?
The main horse.
When you cross a wolf and Fred Astaire, you get dances with wolves.
My grandfather recently passed, and I discovered in his journal that he has an immense hatred for sloths, pandas, and koala bears. Looking back, it was obvious.
He was always going on about those darn tree-huggers.
“I think the perfect gift to give anyone in the winter is a heated toilet seat.”
"Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does."
Those aren't sugar plums dancing through my head, it's all you.
What kind of nut doesn’t like money?
Cash ew.
When Papa red wanted to have some toppings on his bread, he told Son red, "Pass me the crimson!"
“You are in control. Never allow your Monday to be manic.”
— Andrea L’Artiste
A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.
Jerry Seinfeld
What has one horn and gives milk?
A milk truck.
Who’s the arch-enemy of the Gsus chord?
The Dmin chord.
If you need to share out your to-do list, just be a dele-gator.
I used to be engaged to a girl with a wooden leg.
But I broke it off.
What did the cherry say when it won its third Olympic gold medal? That's just the cherry on top of a successful career.
Why did the blonde take a camera to bed? To record what she was going to dream that night.
Q. Why did the gorilla cross the road?
A. To get to the monkey biz on the other side.
Hey summer, long time no sea!
I showed up late to a cannibal party.
I got the cold shoulder.
What's more impressive than a talking fish?
A spelling bee.
How is divorce like espresso? It's bitter and expensive.
“Due to lack of interest. Monday has been canceled.”
It’s so cold you could rob me with a bucket of water right now!!
What does the sun drink out of?
Sunglasses!
I have an Epi-Pen.
My friend gave it to me as he was dying.
It seemed very important to him that I have it.
What is the name of the car that passes through the narrow stream of the river? Fjord.
What did the thunderstorm say to the lightning rod?
You'll never catch me, copper!
Wedding cake tastes just like Birthday cake
It just takes more commitment.
There was a Young Lady of Tyre,
Who swept the loud chords of a lyre;
At the sound of each sweep
She enraptured the deep,
And enchanted the city of Tyre.
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