Q: What time is it when a tiger walks into the room?
A: Time to get out of the room.
The years go flying by so fast
We wonder why our youth does not last
But when I look at you I see
A younger version of what you use to be
But remember I am aging with you
And without my glasses the picture is skewed
So who cares about what has been done
As long as birthdays keep having fun!
(Samatha C. Ringle)
I would tell you more chemistry pick-up lines, but all the good ones Argon!
Just so you know I have a ref full of chocolate, a couch and good films at my house.
I had a goat’s cheese pizza the other day.
He wasn’t happy.
What do you call a cold werewolf?
A chilli dog.
Here’s more proof that I’ve gone off the deep end.
Why did the vegetarian stop running cross country?
He did not like the meets.
Chuck Norris doesn't pet any animals. Animals pet themselves when he approaches them.
What kind of music do goats listen to?
Baaa-ch!
Hey, not sure if I should be telling you this, but I’m a Prince and I’m currently looking for my Cinder-Bella
What is a golfer’s favorite dance move?
The Bogey.
A pony goes to see the doctor one day.
He says, "Doc, you've got to help me. I've had this terrible sore throat for weeks and I think there must be some badly wrong."
The doctor examines him and then reassures him saying, "It's okay, it's nothing serious; you're just a little horse."
There was an Old Person of Ewell,
Who chiefly subsisted on gruel;
But to make it more nice
He inserted some mice,
Which refreshed that Old Person of Ewell.
There was an Old Man of Coblenz,
The length of whose legs was immense;
He went with one prance
From Turkey to France,
That surprising Old Man of Coblenz.
Is that a mirror in your Bible? Because I see you reflecting Christ.
"Bulb: potential flower buried in Autumn, never to be seen again."
- Henry Beard
I have a bone to pixie with you.
After which knight is a town in England named? Sir Rey!
It's only quarantine if it comes from the quarantine region of France;
otherwise, it's just sparkling isolation.
Did you know that the blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court…
The game would be cancelled.
Where do bats keep their money? The blood bank!
Babe, it doesn’t matter that you got diabetic retinopathy, because I heard love is blind.
For the last two weeks my kids have been building a medieval blanket fort every evening to sleep in. Many nights they also stayed up past their bedtime playing fortnight under its protective cover.
It was a night knight fort for Fortnight for a fortnight.
"I can tell by your sarcastic undertones, rude comments, and sheer lack of common decency that we should be best friends."
— Unknown
A proud new Dad sits down with his own father for a celebratory drink.
His father says, "Son, now you've got a child of your own, I think it's time you had this."
And with that, he pulls out a book called, "1001 Dad Jokes".
The new Dad says, "Dad, I'm honored," as tears well up in his eyes.
His father says, "Hi Honored, I'm Dad."
Did you hear that the singer Seal left a night club event because of the revellers sharing derogatory poems about him?
He was dissed by the prose at a rave.
What did the salad lover say to his girlfriend?
You will Romaine in my heart forever.
What do you call a married man vacuuming? Doing what he's told...
"There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments." - Chris Rock
Your heart stops when you sneeze. Kind of like what happens when I think of you.
Why did the skier from Helsinki dominate the downhill slalom competition?
He led the race from start to Finnish.
Two fish are in a tank, one says to the other "how do you drive this thing?"
What did the ear of corn say when all of its clothes fell off?
Awe shucks!
I'm going around with a bent knife, so that when I'm short on time, I can cut corners.
"Some children threaten to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going." – Phyllis Diller
"The first 40 years of parenthood are always the hardest." – Unknown
Knock Knock?
Who's there?
Hurricane
Hurricane who?
Hurry! Cane you jog away from the storm?
Why do cheeses make bad musicians?
They’re always sharp.
As a nurse, I have a patient who is very rude...
He's ill-mannered.
“What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.”
Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
Why did the Sugar Maple have to go to the dentist? It really needed a root canal.
What is Medusa’s favorite cheese?
Gorgonzola.
I was under the blues, so I had to blue my nose occasionally.
Knock Knock
Who's There?
I eat grape.
I eat grape who?
You eat grey poo!
Birch, please.
Cutting my arms was the best descision I've ever made
Hands down.
What do you call it when you get mugged on the vernal equinox?
The first robbin’ of spring!
What did the zombie call the girl he was dating?
His ghoul-friend.
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