What did the little goats say when they were caught playing a prank on the sheep?
Sorry, we were just kidding.

What do you call a Chinese man with one leg? Tie won shu

Two meth heads start a relationship, is that considered speed dating
or just mething around?

I read a bunch of news articles dealing with lightning strikes recently.
I'm trying to keep myself knowledgeable about current events.

“Kids are expensive, I didn’t even realize how broke I was until last year someone stole my identity and it ruined her life.”—Kate Davis

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Europe
Europe who?
Europe early this morning!

When do you serve tofu turkey? Pranksgiving

What is a snake’s favorite dance?
The Mamba.

What song do young peaches love listening to? 'Papa don't peach'.

What do you call a pig that does a lot of charity work?
Philanthropig

What did the flirty coat say to the jacket?
"Do you hang here often?"

My doctor must think I have a bad hard drive
He said he needed to C:

What did the mushroom say after the car accident? Help I’m a truffle!

How does a mushroom decorate a home? With toadstools.

Why did the vegan get fired ?
His job performance did not meat expectations.

What kind of melody does a ship makes when if it crashes on shore?
A wreck-quiem.

What did the fish say to the other fish? Pucker-fish!

What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.

Rory the warrior and Roger the worrier were reared wrongly in a rural brewery.

Here’s more proof that I’ve gone off the deep end.

Is your name Rapunzel, cause I need a girl who never leaves the bedroom and constantly wants me to pull her hair?

What's a girl like you doing in a nice place like this?

What did the doughnut say to the pizza?
If I had as much dough as you, I wouldn’t be hanging around this hole.

Why don’t quarterbacks share puns at the line of scrimmage?
Because they produce audible groans!

An Australian chess player went into a restaurant and ordered food. After having his food , the waiter asked him "Cash or Credit , Sir?"
He said "Cheque , mate."

Are you a flower? Because I'd love it if you planted one on me.

Q: What do you call a French guy being mauled by a tiger?
A: Claude.

“I’m giving thanks that we don’t have to go through this for another year.” — Adele Larson, “Home for the Holidays”

Which front-office type is the most promiscuous? The general ménageur.

What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? All invented by women.

You must be mitochondria because you are the powerhouse of my heart.

If there were no God, there would be no atheists. -- G. K. Chesterton

How does the sun listen to music?
On its ray-dio!

Did you hear about the koala bear in the church choir? Yeah, they say he sings bearitone.

What did the nut husband tell his wife? “Nut-ing lasts forever, except my love for you!”

Not to brag, but I beat the state chess champion in less than 5 moves.
Finally my high school karate lessons came to some use.

Why did the baby chick cross the road?
It was a take-your-child-to-work day.

Last night I turned my wife on by ironing one side of her shirt...
I was pressing all the right buttons.

“Our perfect companions never have fewer than four feet.”

- Colette.

Hey girl, are you related to Abraham's nephew?
Because I like you a LOT.

It’s so cold that even the polar bears started drinking hot chocolate.

Did you hear about the little people starting a beer making operation?
It's a micro brewery.

Why are mice afraid of the water?
Because of catfish.

Why did the deer get braces?
Because he had buck teeth.

There once was a fellow named Abe
And today is the day he was slayed
John Wilkes Booth took his life
As he sat with his wife
Who was visibly shocked and dismayed

In Kentucky Abe Lincoln was born
A State that would later be torn
When a war was declared
And a nation prepared
For a lot of dead soldiers to mourn

He moved the Hoosier State
Where they always have corn on their plate
In the law he was trained
Much respect he attained
Winning many a rousing debate

In The Senate he later would serve
With copious gusto and verve
Then The White House he sought
Which he won by a lot
But many down south were unnerved

As President, Lincoln decided
That the law of the land was misguided
And that slaves should be freed
But the south disagreed
And the country was badly divided

What ensued was a horrible war
Full of death and destruction galore
The battles were heated
The south was defeated
But one aimed to settle the score

Now one hundred and forty-nine years

A proctologist is about to write a something on his patient's notes but when he goes to take his pen out of his pocket he realizes it's actually his thermometer that's there.

He says, "Darn, some a**hole has my pen."

I saved a tiny baby crow and now he won't leave, I guess you could say he's mi-cro.

Flat earthers fear 6 feet social distancing could push some people over the edge.

Why did the tomato turn red? It saw the salad dressing!

Why did the two slices of bread disappear in the middle of the night? They wanted to e-loaf together.