You must be Australian because you've turned my life upside-down.
What do you call a skeleton who rings the doorbell?
A dead ringer.
Some local engineers took a train for a service, but the vicar said it was blocking the aisle.
What is it called when a tree stabs his friend in the back?
A be-tree-yal
“PMS jokes aren’t funny; period.”
Just because your football team calls itself the unicorns doesn’t mean they can play in the corn field.
You can tell an ant’s gender by putting it in the water.
If it sinks, it’s a girl. If it floats, it’s a buoyant.
What did one pyramid say to the other? Hey! Where's your mummy?
What do dogs and commas have in common? Dogs have claws at the end of their paws and commas are a pause at the end of a clause.
What's a frog's favorite game?
Hop-scotch (or leapfrog).
I lost my kid in the kitchenware section of Ikea today.
It was a pans labyrinth.
Why did Eve want to leave the Garden of Eden and move to New York?
She fell for the Big Apple.
What do you call an owl who knows how to do magic tricks?
Hoodini.
Money won’t buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.
Bill Vaughan
What would you rather be, a polar bear or a little otter. A little (h)otter
2000 years ago, pop diva Lady Cleopatra had a smash hit: "Bad Romans."
“To attract men, I wear a perfume called ‘New Car Interior.'”
– Rita Rudner
What was the first car Henry Fordasaurus invented? A Model T-Rex.
Roses are red,
Facebook is blue.
No mutual friends,
Who in the world are you?
Who said that the pyramids are the tallest structure in Egypt? They are just between pyra-highs and pyra-lows.
What do you call a fruity pop star? Katy Peary.
Which fruity singer was a judge on 'The X Factor'? Cherry Cole.
How does spider man always come up with such clever comebacks?
Because with great power, comes great response ability.
"In these difficult times, when so many people are having trouble finding enough to eat, we are extending the “five-second rule” to a full ten seconds."
– Ron Piraro
Why does Elton John HATE lettuce?
Becuase he's a ROCKET MAN...
Q: What did Julius Caesar’s pet windmill say?
A: I came, I spun, I conquered.
Love at frost sight!
There was a fire in a yodelling school.
Everyone was to exit in an orderly orderly orderly fashion.
A nose visited its home town.
It was overcome with nostril-gia.
What happened when the guitars got in a fight?
They got in treble.
Why do wookies love chocolate chip cookies? Because they are chewy.
What do you call a giant mushroom? Hu-fungus.
“The older I get, the better I used to be.” – Lee Trevino
What did the Mama Hot Dog say to the little frankfurter? Ketch-up!
What does a stick say when it falls down?
"Wood you help me up?"
What is worse than when it is raining buckets?
Hailing taxis.
Keeping tropical fish in your home has a calming effect on the brain
because of the indoor fins.
"I’m Going to Be Famous"
I’m going to be famous!
I’m going to be great!
For every award
I’m the best candidate.
I’ve got an idea
to solve world peace.
I know how to force
every famine to cease.
I’ll power our town
with four sweaty socks
Or make a vaccine
for every pox.
I’ll reduce the garbage
in landfills by nine.
Wherever you’re shopping,
there won’t be a line.
I’d love to complete
all of this before bed
But Mom wants my room
to be cleaned up instead!
– Steve Hanson
What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck!
Why was the computer coughing?
It had a virus.
I’m feelin’ pine.
What did mother werewolf say to the naughty boy werewolf?
- We're werewolves, not swear-wolves.
I love you so much, you’re so perfect to me,
You’re gorgeous and smart, you make me happy.
Your talent amazes me, you’re so good at all things,
You’re better than anyone at plucking my heartstrings,
And now that you know and you’re in a great mood,
Please do me a favor and make me some food!
I think my window air conditioner needs an ambulance.
It keeps hyperventilating.
If you want a loyal marriage, get hitched to a basketball player. He will never pass you, rather he will keep you all to himself.
The coddled superstar sat in the seats with the fans instead of on the bench
with the team; for this, ironically enough, he was accused of grandstanding!
“Women prefer men who have something tender about them – especially the legal kind." ~Kay Ingram
What do the ducks have for dinner? They have Quackers and soup.
just witnessed a chicken try to pick up a piece of corn for 5 minutes,
ImPeck-able.
If you were a burger at McDonald's, you'd be named McStunning.
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