What do you get when you cross a turkey with an octopus? Enough drumsticks for Thanksgiving.
I made a fiddle from a squash yesterday...
... i think it's broken, it only plays gourd vibrations.
What do cherries write in love letters? I miss you cherry-bly.
Why did the banana go to the doctor?
It wasn’t PEELING well.
I went fishing in the ocean the other day and caught one fish
but I think it was just a fluke.
Strawberries are considered to be the most bullied fruits because they're always getting picked on.
What mouse was a Roman emperor? Julius Cheeser!
Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "Sure, buddy."
Officer: "That's no way to address an officer! Now, let's try it again. Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "No, SIR!"
Me: I think I'll take a dip in the pool.
Lifeguard: What ya got there?
Me: Hummus.
Q: Why did the tornado take a break?
A: Because it ran out of wind!
"Halfway Down"
Halfway down the stairs
Is a stair
Where I sit.
There isn’t any
Other stair
Quite like
It.
I’m not at the bottom,
I’m not at the top;
So this is the stair
Where
I always
Stop.
Halfway up the stairs
Isn’t up
And it isn’t down.
It isn’t in the nursery,
It isn’t in town.
And all sorts of funny thoughts
Run round my head.
It isn’t really
Anywhere!
It’s somewhere else
Instead!
– A. A. Milne
Why do dwarves hunt dragons in the morning?
Because the early beard gets the wyrm.
We’re trying to pool off the party of the summer.
Why did the bear dissolve in water?
It was polar.
What is a butchers favorite facial hair style?
Mutton chops.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ice cream!
Ice cream who?
Ice cream if you throw me in the cold, cold water!
You’re the only rein-dear for me.
What do you call a horse running on a table?
A counter canter.
What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Trombones.
I got a parking ticket today and my husband just laughed.
He thought it was a fine joke.
Why do bananas like to use sunscreen?
Because they peel!
Wanna know why I like to do yard work?
It really takes the hedge off!
What is it called when a cowboy dies and comes back to life?
Reintarnation
"The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back."
Franklin Jones
Two male zebras in the Zoo started making rap-music.
They're called the Zbruhs.
“Yoga is almost like music in a way; there’s no end to it.” — Sting
Life's a beach. Enjoy the waves.
My friend was going to a painting competition, so I wished him, "Grey the force be with you".
The worst moment for the atheist is when he is really thankful and has nobody to thank. -- Dante Rossetti
There was an Old Man of Vienna,
Who lived upon Tincture of Senna;
When that did not agree,
He took Camomile Tea,
That nasty Old Man of Vienna.
Where do you think the astronauts keep their sandwiches? In the launch-box.
You can dump tea in my harbor any time.
"Today’s goals: Coffee and kindness. Maybe two coffees and then kindness."
— Nanea Hoffman
When I got home last night my wife demanded that I 'take her somewhere expensive'...
So I took her to a petrol station.
Why are elephants scared of computers?
Because of the mouse.
What is ice cream’s favorite TV show?
Game of Cones.
If you’re looking for a job, get trained in horticulture. It’s a growing industry.
Why do the hot dogs with ketchup spoil early?
Because the sauce ages.
We are often greatly bothered
By two fussy little men,
Who sometimes block our pathway –
Their names are How and When.
If we have a task or duty
Which we can put off a while,
And we do not go and do it –
You should see those two rogues smile!
But there is a way to beat them,
And I will tell you how:
If you have a task or duty,
Do it well, and do it now.
Whats A tooth fairys favorite movie?
Jaws.
How did the shark do on his test?
Fin-Tastic!
Why did the police dog get promoted?
Because he was the scenter of so many drug arrests.
I didn't think the doctor would fix the curve in my spine
But now I stand corrected.
Does Mr. Otterton listen to Gazelle? Yes he's a rabid fan.
Why are tomatoes the slowest vegetable?
Because they can’t ketchup.
Six sick hicks nick six slick bricks with picks and sticks.
How did the electrician pay for his new phone?
He charged it.
Forgive me father, pastor, vicar, padre, priest...
For I have synonymed.
My girlfriend is the square root of -100.
She’s a perfect 10, but purely imaginary.
“Nothing burns like the cold.” — George R.R. Martin
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