"A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday."
— Erma Bombeck
Please stop making jokes about little people
How would you feel if a bunch of giants made jokes about you?
What happens when you go to the bathroom in France?
European!
You’re just like the black line at the bottom of the pool– I’d be lost without you.
Why were people in the Medieval times so self absorbed?
Because they thought that they were the center of the universe.
Did you hear about the owl who married a goat?
The had a hootenanny.
Kiss me if I’m wrong, but dinosaurs still exist, right?
Why do astronauts use linux?
because you can't open windows in space.
If a person would have several friends,
here's the thing upon which it depends;
are you willing to share
when there isn't much there
and burn up your day from both ends.
(By Steve Mckee)
This year, my brain and my heart are Valentines to each other.
When the librarian bumped her head, she had no one to blame but her shelf.
I like Ronaldo, But I'd like to get Messi.
“Anybody who doesn’t know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.”
- Franklin P. Jones.
I’m looking for my soulmate. Do you think you could Aiden my search?
Hey I am like a Rubik's cube the more you play with me the harder I get!
Why did the mother cow give the sleepy baby cow a hammer?
He wanted her to hit the hay.
Look Honey, a cactus!
I haven't seen that many pricks in one place since your family was in for Thanksgiving!
You know you’re getting old when…
You begin every other sentence with, “Nowadays…”
A sloth walks in to a bar and waves to get the bartender’s attention, and says I’ll have...... a soda water.
The bartender replies “why the long paws?”
What do you call a woman who sounds like an ambulance?
Nina.
I stopped my phones to the cloud, and I kept getting mist calls.
I’ve been working on my poop art recently...
It’s pretty sh**.
My buddies bet me that I wouldn't be able to start a conversation with the most beautiful girl on the river. Would you like to get a drink later with their money?
What’s a gardener’s favorite Harrison Ford film? Raiders of the Lost Bark.
Nowadays oranges have decided to go out with prune. The reason is that it is becoming so hard to find a date.
What did the ice-cream say to the unhappy birthday cake? "What's eating you?"
The real estate in my neighborhood has become so expensive that only cats can afford it.
You need nine lives to pay it off.
My wife misplace the sugar with the salt in her sugar cookies.
It was sodium disgusting.
What type of real estate transactions do dwarves prefer?
Short sales.
What a great match!..I hope when you see my message you don’t give it Ah-big-ail no and leave me hanging
How does a Viking show the amount of raiding and pillaging that they do at the same time?
They use a Sven Diagram.
What is a cyclops' favorite winter activity?
Sking. That's like skiing, but only with one eye.
If you think a meteor is hard, you should see what you are doing to my missile.
"Popcorn for breakfast! Why not? It’s a grain. It’s like, like, grits, but with high self-esteem."
– James Patterson
Why do you get less caviar out of a fish with nieces and nephews?
Because it's in a fish aunt.
What did the guest say when he arrived at the peanut butter’s dinner party?
“Nice spread!”
What is a tree's favorite drink? Root beer!
How many software engineers do you need to change a light bulb?
None – it’s a hardware problem.
Can you drive my car?
According to the multiverse theory, there’s at least one universe where we end up together. Do you want this universe to be one of them?
“Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.” —Mark Twain
Why should somebody who's just out of rehab think twice before going on a skiing holiday?
Because it's a slippery slope.
What do you call a person who starts their own cow poop business?
An entre-manure.
What do you get if you cross a Triceratops with a kangaroo ? A Tricera-hops!
“Plant carrots in January and you’ll never have to eat carrots.”
— Anonymous
I once saw a guy burn to death after nutting
“He cumbusted”
I'm moving some couches today...
Sofa, so good!
Why are dragons such good story tellers?
Because they have long tails.
My wife has been giving me a hard time about my drinking. Eventually, I agreed to quit cold turkey.
Never cared for leftovers anyway.
What did the evaporating raindrop say?
I’m going to pieces.
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