A boy ghost thought a girl ghost was cute so he asked if she would be his ghoul-friend.
Don't give up at this stage, just keep cawing on, you will do great.
Got into my car and realized my wife had shut off all the A/C vents.
Definitely not cool.
What color socks do bears wear?
They don’t wear socks, they have bear feet.
Okay, so, I *had* an offensive joke I wanted to tell about Ancient Rome
But I don't have the Gaul anymore...
There’s a new drama featuring herbivore doctors.
It’s called Graze Anatomy.
We must be near an airport, because my heart just took off when I saw you!
What did the wig say to the head?
I got you covered.
I told my mom there was a crack in her mug...
She said, ”No, only tea.”
When moving a piece of furniture at the weather station, you'll be needing four casters.
Golf balls are like eggs…
They’re white, they are sold by the dozen, and a week later you have to buy more.
Blackboards love drinking beverages, especially hot white chalk-olate!
I had a job circumcising elephants.
The base salary wasn't great, but the tips were huge.
What did Papa Pig shout at his kids in the car?
“Stop swining! We’re nearly there.”
Who is a ghoul’s favorite family member?
Mummy!
What do dogs love to eat for breakfast?
woofles
I used to have an electric wok but I had to get rid of it
Wouldn’t run.
My cat kept jumping onto my desk.
I had to put him down.
“Don’t believe everything fortune cookies tell you. Just because they’re sweet doesn’t mean they’re right.”
― Unknown
The FBI are raiding an alleged spy's apartment when they discover a hard drive labeled "KGB".
One of the agents holds it up with a look of confusion and says, "Why wouldn't he just write 1 TB?"
The hipster burnt his tongue. He sipped his coffee before it was cool.
What kind of fish do you catch with Gummy Worms?
Swedish Fish.
“Working is bad enough in the winter, but in the summer it can become completely intolerable.”-
Tom Hodgkinson
What are the benefits of city buses using green fuel? They’ll always be on thyme.
What do you call a happy rabbit? An Hop-timist.
“Mondays are a lot like getting fat. They make you feel sad, sometimes angry and there is not much scope for liking either fat or Mondays for any reason.”
– Garry Moll
Company coming?
And your house is a big mess?
Just put on lipstick.
Failed my art exam by using the wrong pencil.
It wasn't 2b.
I thought I saw some fog yesterday.
But I guess my memory’s a little cloudy.
Did you know milk is the fastest liquid in existence? It’s pasteurized before you ever notice.
They say a Freudian slip is when you say one thing, but you really mean your mother.
What do gnomes love to sing at Christmas?
We're driving gnome for Christmas.'
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
Did you hear about the crocodile who was unable to mate?
He had a reptile dysfunction.
What do you call it when a prisoner takes his own mug shot? A cellfie.
Why can't Vikings fans eat cereal? Because they choke before they ever reach the bowl.
I bought a boat because it was for sail.
Old Software Engineers Never Die...
They just reboot.
My friend keeps the toaster on the lowest setting
I suspect he's got black toast intolerance
Do you also feel the strong gravitational pull of my bed?
It’s so hot that my kite crashed and burned.
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot!
Which fish can perform operations? A Sturgeon!
“Santa owes a lot to his little helpers. You might say he’s an elf-made man.”
If you do bowling and for some reason you can’t hear a pin drop, something could be wrong with your bowling.
What do we call a plumb pineapple? It is called a pineapple chunk!
If anyone says you’re a 10/10, they are lying, you’re an Ella-ven
Which legend lived in a shack? Was it Eddy? No, Ma-hovel-ich!
How do you get a teddy bear across the border?
You snuggle it across.
What is Tom Hanks' favourite soft cheese? Philadelphia.
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