What did the beaver say after she slipped in water?
Dam it.
Why was the man who hung tennis equipment from his ears arrested?
He was found guilty of racket-ear-ring
Your beauty is blinding.
What do you call a nervous witch?
A twitch.
I think you are suffering from a lack of Vitamin Me.
Hey Erin, ever heard that sharin’ is carin’? Care to share a meal together sometime?
When did the pianist finally turn their life around?
After they hit Rockbottomoff.
If you ever own a koala as a pet, make sure you can keep track of it by putting a koalar around its neck.
Why was the conservative buffalo disappointed in his child?
He was a bison.
Why did the blonde run backward?
She wanted to gain weight.
What is black, purple, blue, yellow and white?
Sugilite, sardonyx and opal all fighting over a gumball.
Dogs can't operate an MRI machine, but Catscan.
What is the energy provider’s favorite dance? The electric slide.”
Busy Cat
I'm 8 AM and time to nap
It's 10 AM and time to relax
It's 12 PM and time to doze off
It's 3 PM and time to zonk out
It's 6 PM and time to slumber
It's 9 PM and time to snooze
It's 12 AM and time to sleep
It's 4 AM and time to hang upside down
from your bedroom ceiling, screaming
How many worms does it take to eat a zombie?
It depends on the size of the zombie!
Why don’t cars enjoy long drives?
They find them a drag.
“I really regret going to a Yoga class today… said no one ever.” — Unknown
"Once the travel bug bites there is no known antitode, and I know that I shall be happily infected until the end of my life."
- Michael Palin
What do you call a medieval spearman who is self employed?
A freelancer.
What hairstyle did Moses get at the hairdressers?
A middle parting.
“When I figured out how to work my grill, it was quite a moment. I discovered that summer is a completely different experience when you know how to grill.”
— Taylor Swift
Why do Norwegian ships have bar codes on them?
So when they come into port they can Scan-Da-Navy-In!
When's the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth hurt-y.
Why don’t Alpacas like singing with background music?
They prefer to sing alpacapella.
Every single person on my flight was reading at the same time.
The plane was fully booked.
"What did Frankenstein's monster say to his girlfriend?"
"Will you be my Valenstein?"
Botanists have developed a vegetable that eliminates the need to brush your teeth.
Bristle sprouts.
I go through so much shampoo it's just ridiculous!
I don't know, maybe my head is bigger than most but it does say to use a cap full.
4 Norse gods, 1 roman God, and 2 astrological bodies walk into a bar
The bartender says: Oh, this is gonna be a week joke
You seem to be traveling at the speed of light, because time always seems to stop when I look at you.
Knock Knock Jokes
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Canoe.
Canoe who?
Canoe help me with my homework?
Why can't you tell a joke while ice fishing? Because it'll crack you up!.
There was an Old Man of Whitehaven,
Who danced a quadrille with a raven;
But they said, 'It's absurd
To encourage this bird!'
So they smashed that Old Man of Whitehaven.
What music are balloons scared of? Pop music
When is the peanut butter due to arrive?
In a Jif.
"Every morning is good; it’s not his fault that someone didn’t sleep well."
– Unknown
I installed a sky light in my apartment.
The people upstairs were not happy at all.
What did the maggot say to another?
What's a nice maggot like you doing in a joint like this?
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then just hung up.
I am getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
"Ignorance is a form of environmental pollution."
Anonymous
If I had a nickel for every time I failed a math test, I'd have 83 cents.
What does an artist call his sketch pad? A house.
Why do Pharaohs never tell dad jokes? Because they are all mummies.
Why should you never argue with decimals?
Decimals always have a point.
I left my laptop outside on the picnic table, and when I came back, the keyboard was covered in ants...
...It took a while to herd them together but I finally got them all under control.
How did the gambler know his hand would stink?
Because he was holding deuces.
I got tear-free soap in my eye.
It hurts like heck but at least I’m not crying.
I keep looking at our upstage platform that is designed with only a ladder for access. It's just so hard not to stair.
During the summer break, I enrolled myself in a peach coding course.
Are you an alarm clock? Because I want to kill you.
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