Video games never made me angry or want to hurt people.
Working in customer service already did that.
Where do boats go when they get sick? The dock
I’ve never experienced having my dream come true, until the day I met you.
What is the name of the horse that a knight onion rides? They ride a scallion.
How do Chinese people make cutlery?
They chopsticks.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
Follow the fresh prints.
Roses are red, Violet are blue. What would you do. If I fell in love with you?
If I could rearrange the alphabet I’d move U.
Because you’re blocking the TV.
What do teenage deer do at slumber parties?
Truth or deer.
What do you call police obsessed with keeping good grass?
Lawn-Forcement
How did Dr. Frankenstein pay the men who built his monster?
On a piece rate.
I was cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and my wife said, “These potatoes are burnt to a crisp!”
I said, “It’s for tomorrow.”
Her: Huh?
Me: Tomorrow is Black Fry day.
What can a whole orange do that half an orange can never do?
“Look round!”
A musician told me he was going to hit me with the neck of his guitar.
I replied, “Is that a fret?”
What do llamas always say when they introduce themselves?
“Fleeced to meet you.”
Q: What do you get when you cross a green mummy with a yellow mummy?
A: A golden moldy
The depressing thing about tennis is
I will never be as good as a wall.
I miss you! I’ll see you tater!
What is the best period of a bee's relationship?
The honeymoon.
The vampires were in a mood, so I thought I'd do something to cheer them up. They were over the moon that I re-vamped their castle.
What do you call a hot dog race? Wiener takes all.
A fired newspaper editor took an ex-press train out of town.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Your phone is smart,
So why aren’t you?
What do fish use for money?
Sand dollars!
Why didn’t the cheese want to get sliced?
It had grater plans.
What do you think is the name of the knight who unexpectedly turned up at the battle? His name is Sir Prize.
I wish you were a fish in my dish.
“I bought a calming tea but the smell and taste is making me nervous.”
― Unknown
Almost dropped a plate of Alphabeti Spaghetti. That could have spelled disaster.
"If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire."
- George Carlin
Why did they put Viagra in chocolate bars? You eat it, She says, "Oh, Oh Henry!"
Baby, if you were a fruit you'd be a Fineapple.
“Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.”
- Douglas Adams
Wife says to her husband: "Choose, either me or the soccer game!"
He responds: "Give me 90 minutes to think."
What did the fisherman say to the card magician? Take a cod, any cod.
Robviously, I couldn’t help but ask you out
I once saw a guy burn to death after nutting
“He cumbusted”
"Life is a moderately good play with a badly written third act." - Truman Capote
On Father's Day, I thanked my dad for his contribution to my birth.
He said it was his pleasure.
What would you call two banana skins? A pair of slippers!
“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.” – Phyllis Diller
I almost had a predicament trying to call someone in the same room as me. It was a close call.
The interesting the about engineering Toilet Paper.
It's an a-ply-ed science.
Through three cheese trees three free fleas flew.
While these fleas flew, freezy breeze blew.
Freezy breeze made these three trees freeze.
Freezy trees made these trees' cheese freeze.
That's what made these three free fleas sneeze.
Have you guys tried kangaroo beer?
It’s a little hoppy.
"I hate tacos!"
Said no Juan ever.
"As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two." - Sir Norman Wisdom
What type of pool do mechanics like best?
The car pool!
Several years ago, I lost all my hair. Yes, I'm bald. But, I still keep my comb. I bring it with me everywhere still.
I just can't part with it.
Why was the parrot in prison? Because it was a jail-bird.
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