Where do pianists go on vacation?
The Florida Keys.

You don't like the outdoors? Unbe-leaf-able.

Why didn't the toilet paper finish the race?
Because it was wiped out.

"Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position." — Christopher Marlowe

“Friendship is like money, easier made than kept.”
– Samuel Butler

Where do saplings go to learn?
Elementree school

What part of a fish weighs the most?
The scales.

“Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.”—George Bernard Shaw

Could I get your number so I can take you out to dinner Anna movie?

Do scientists who study the sun have a flare for research?

Which sea creatures cry the most?
Whales!

My wife asked: "What's our WiFi?"
I said: It's an internet connection that works wirelessly through something called a modem. Why?"
She hasn't spoken to me all week.

If the pilgrims came on the Mayflower than what does the teacher come on? The scholar ships.

Sadly, hydrogen and helium broke things off. But they still think of each other... periodically.

Why did the raccoon cross the road?
He saw you put out the garbage.

What do you call a white crow?
A caw-casian.

The fruit stutters because it suffers from a peach impediment.

My father ran his whole roofing business and it was a great success.
He had to stay on top of things though.

"You bake me crazy."

If marriage is grand, what is divorce?
Ten grand!

Did you hear about the person who watched too many Shrek movies?
He ogre-dosed.

If Megan Fox is a cake, then what is Amanda Bynes? A fruitcake.

“Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep.” – Scott Adams

If you are ever babysitting a cherry, remember that their favorite cartoon is Tom And Cherry.

Why are super loud sounds bad for your ears?
It hertz your eardrums.

Pennies and quarters rain from the sky
"Wow!" I say. "It's climate change!"

I'm a good basketball handler, what about you?

“I can speak Esperanto like a native.”
Spike Milligan

“I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it by not dying.”
Woody Allen

I think my chickens are possessed
My wife is very much distressed
Their feathers are all dishevelled
And the eggs they lay are devilled

- Paul Curtis

Why do Russian teapots have to go to bed early?
Because samovars have to work tomorrow.

What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? Taking a bite and finding half a worm.

What do you get when you cross a strict school teacher with a vampire?
Lots of blood tests.

My electrician friend accidentally blew the power to the ice-making factory. Now they’ve gone into liquidation.

What goes up when the rain comes down? An umbrella.

Teacher: What are the seasons? Student: Salt, pepper, ginger...

"I Hate Peanut Butter"

These words I say without a stutter:
I hate the taste of peanut butter!
In Reese's chocolate it may stay
But keep the butter far away.
It leaves a lump inside my belly,
It's even worse when paired with jelly!
I hate its texture, hate its smell;
If I go near it, I'm unwell.
My family tells me I'm dramatic
But against PB I stay emphatic.
If you're craving butter thick,
You might as well just eat the stick,
Or wear it as a winter coat
But keep it furthest from your throat!
Last time I ate it, things went south;
My tongue got glued inside my mouth!
If you include it in my lunch,
I'll very likely throw a punch.
I'd gladly eat a Brussels sprout
But keep the peanut butter out!

– Innarenko

What do you call a cow that has 1 leg? Steak

My dad has the heart of a lion...
and a lifetime ban from the zoo.

Need an ark?
I noah guy.

What is a beaver's most favorite song ever? You made me a, you made me a beaver, beaver.

Baby, you remind me of the constitution, because you look like a national treasure.

What’s orange and tastes like an orange? An orange.

My wife bought me an expensive umbrella and she’s been holding it over my head ever since.

What did the young Toyota say to his mother when she asked what he wanted for dinner?
Taco ma

Why was Pegasus such a good ballerina?
He was flo-wing.

For a fatty, you don't seem to sweat much.

There’s a big difference between yoga and pie-lattes.

What’s the number one complaint pig spouses have about one another? Too stub-boar-n.

Let's cross the international dateline together.