Halloween is over. Why are you still dressed as an angel?
I watched an eclipse through my colander, now I’ve strained my eyes.
Why doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job? He still ends up with the same boss.
What card game do crocodiles like playing?
Snap!
“Make yourself look really stupid so you don’t feel bad doing something a little stupid.”
- Mark Hoppus
What do you call an overly cautious cup of tea?
Uncertaintea.
I buy all my guns from a guy named T-Rex...
He's a small arms dealer.
What did the German clock maker say to the clock that only went "tick tick tick"?
Ve haf vays to make you tock...
There's a programme about the history of perfume on TV tonight.
It's on at 8pm on Chanel Number 5!
I like to say mucho when i’m talking to my Spanish speaking friends.
It means a lot to them.
Why did the snowman name his dog ‘Frost’?
Because ‘Frost’ bites.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you going to answer the door?
I hate red eyes, but I would fly all night for you.
There was a young fellow named Weir,
Who hadn't an inch of fear.
He indulged a desire,
To touch a live wire,
And he celebrated by drinking beer.
It’s impossible to Rouen a trip to France.
What did the skeleton say to his girlfriend?
- Will you marrow me?
Where did the spinach go to have a few drinks? The Salad Bar!
What do you call a turkey whizzing through the air past your head because the oven exploded?
Fast food.
“L.A. is so celebrity-conscious, there’s a restaurant that only serves Jack Nicholson — and when he shows up, they tell him there’ll be a ten-minute wait.”
Bill Maher
It's so cold that people started chipping their teeth on soup!
What is the difference between a man and a tree? One is illegal to hit with an ax.
What did dinosaurs have that no others animals ever had? Baby dinosaurs!
Let’s kick off shall we? I just hope that my unicorn puns won’t be too corny for you.
If an adult is called a unicorn, are its young one’s called puny-corns?
V
V
Edit*: sorry it seems as the CTRL button on my keyboard isn't working
If you know a person's name: "Hi, [name]."
How did you know my name?
"Isn't every beautiful girl named that?"
Why are eyes always the last organ harvested?
because they dilate.
Why don't people ever talk about the fear of roses? Because it's a thorny issue!
My wife claims that she can wax my chest hair without me feeling any pain at all.
I don’t think she’ll be able to pull it off.
The real reason humans have wrinkly brains?
We've been in the gene pool too long.
“Parenting Tip: If your child is crying, hold it close and whisper, 'You don’t have a clue what horrors this world holds.'”
- Rob Delaney.
Why do action potentials make good volleyball players?
They are always spiking.
What month does every tree dread? Sept-timmmberrr!
I don't like cutting up a peach. I think it's because of the pits.
Why does the fairy kingdom smell so awful?
Because of all the toad stools.
Where do most koala movie stars live? In Koalawood, Koalafornia, of course!
Even if there was no gravity, I'd still fall for you.
“Did you hear the forecast for Christmas Eve? They’re calling for rain, dear!”
What penalty in hockey uses the most amount of energy? A power play.”
A Zen Monk is talking to a hot dog vendor.
"What will you have?" asks the vendor.
The Monk says, "make me one with everything."
Why can't you take a turkey to church? They use FOWL language.
Where do electricians get their supplies? The Ohm Depot.
What does an anteater like on its pizza?
Ant-chovies.
What is the only thing that can cure a sick do-nut?
An antidought!
If Mississippi bought Virginia a New Jersey, what would Delaware? Idaho... Alaska!
get nervous when I fly; do you mind if I hold your hand?
What do gnome standup comedians call a tiny pun?
Puny.
Who would win in a fight between a kangaroo and a zebra?
The zebra. Because he has so many black belts.
Dogs can't operate an MRI machine, but Catscan.
Why are skeletons so good at telling jokes?
Because they have a funny bone.
France is beautiful in every Cezanne.
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