I said “no” to drugs, but they just wouldn’t listen.
Are you the energizer bunny cause you just keep going and going through my mind.
Many people seem to believe that warm water droplets get cooled fast and form fog. It's a mist-conception. Someone should de-mist-ify it.
When you offered me love, I lepton it!
How long does it take a man to change the toilet paper? We don't know it's never happened. What's the definition of a woman's perfect lover? A man with a nine inch tongue who can breath through his ears.
Daughter: I think I'm going to put my hair in a bun tomorrow.
Dad: We're all out. You'll have to use bread.
Why do girl ghosts go on diets? So they can keep their ghoulish figures.
What do you call a group of crows eating a box of corn flakes?
A cereal murder.
Why did the rude unicorn not say hello to the other? Because while the pace (face) was familiar, he
just couldn’t remember the mane (name).
What did the beaver mention to a tree? It has been nice gnawing you.
How does a quarter moon always feel?
Crestfallen.
While building a house, the architect took his fingers and dipped them in a jar of blue ink. He wanted to get the blueprints!
What’s a horse’s favorite dance move?
Watch me whip, now watch me neigh neigh.
"I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it."
"The happiest marriage I can picture would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman." — Samuel Taylor Coleridge
Oh laundry, sometimes I feel like our first president...
Because I am washing-a-ton.
What’s black and white and goes round and round?
A panda stuck in a revolving door.
Mr. Pea never did any work and yet always looked down on the other vegetables. He was a real peas of work.
How do you make a bandstand?
Take away their chairs.
When is a synapse like a tree?
When it is pruned.
Lost on a mountain, you can collect rainwater to drink during storms.
Otherwise, you just have to make dew.
“The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”
— George Carlin
I stole two sofas from death, but I wasn’t ready for the reaper cushions.
Did you hear about the mummy who goes to university? His favorite subject is Cryptography.
What happened to the two gladiator olives?
They were pitted against each other
Frankenstein's monster and the bride of Frankenstein sit down for dinner
Bride: How come you never help with the dinner
Frankenstein: I did
Bride: How?
Frankenstein: I did the mash...
Bride: Don't you dare
It’s so hot you can pull a leaf off a tree and iron with it.
Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a goat.
How long has this been going on?
Since I was a kid.
What do you call referential cheese?
Feta.
What do you drink with the Queen of England? Royal-Tea.
Though my brother won the art competition, he went up to his rival and gave him the credit where it was hue!
If I had a dollar for every time I thought of you, I’d be in a higher tax bracket.
Hey girl my heart is anywhere you are.
You may look a little older,
Sadly youth doesn't come cheap,
So skip all those Botox parties,
And just get your beauty sleep.
Be glad you're young at heart,
And still look as good as gold,
Too bad you're not a millionaire,
And can't put your looks on hold.
(Kevin Nishmas)
I found a pen that writes underwater.
It writes other words too.
I love you for all the goofy things you do
I love you even when you don’t know the lyrics to our favorite song
I love you even when you snort when laugh
I love you just the way you are
This is why they say love is blind
(Anonymous)
A friend of mine was taking a bath when he realised he wasn’t a very good burglar.
When can three giant dinosaurs get under an umbrella and not get wet? When it's not raining!
The police officer only had soups for dinner. He was a soup-erintendent.
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
Carrie Underwood
Why was the penguin popular?
Because he was an ice guy.
How do lions greet people?
"Pleased to eat you!"
What does a pirate with heart failures need?
Anti-arrrrrrrrrrhythmics.
I’m fondue you.
What do you call people avoiding healthy fats?
Avocadonts.
Last Christmas, I got my sister a build-it-yourself medieval fort. She wasn't very happy with it, but my mother reprimanded her by saying that it isn't the gift, but the fort that counts!
What part of a fish weighs the most?
The scales.
For you, I would slay two Goliaths.
The evil King of Weatherland only had one favorite weather - hail, storm.
Why Was The Teacher Annoyed With The Duck?
Because he wouldn't quit quackin' jokes!
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