That Marchesa dress looks great on you...as a matter of fact, so would I.
Woman turned down the marriage proposal of a gardener. She wasn't ready to shear her life with him.
"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbour. Catch the winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover."
- Mark Twain
Why do snakes always measure in inches?
Because they don’t have any feet.
What’s blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint.
Wow, you drive me Davi
I seen my father pouring chicken soup over his compost yesterday
I suppose chicken soup IS good for the soil.
What kind of tea did the American colonists want? Liberty.
What is a cheese lover’s favorite rap artist?
Feta wap.
What is the most popular console with the vikings?
The axe-box
What do you call your sibling’s daughter, who is famous?
Star anise
What type of dog does Dracula have?
A bloodhound.
Why is it a bad idea to get in a fight with a monkey?
Because they use gorilla warfare.
I bought some clear, liquid hand-soap today.
Got home and realized that I can't use it...
My hands are solid, and opaque.
What did the vampire say to the vampire hunter that missed his heart.
Well wasnt that an unfortunate missed-stake.
What did the artist ask the preschooler? Can you count to pen?
What do you call an East-European cosmetic?
Nail Polish.
I’m never board when I’m at the pool.
Shake your shamrocks.
“Gardeners know the best dirt.”
— Anonymous
Why did the computer crash?
It had a bad driver!
"Can you help me get this pots and pans drawer in order? Something seems stuck here", My wife said one morning.
To which I said, "Sure honey, I hope this pans out"
I lost my cat in a snowstorm!
But he should be fine because he's a cool cat.
My partner was always criticising my sense of direction... So I packed up and right!
Ever heard of Cawsmopolitan? It is one of the best magazines for crows.
Do you have a Band-Aid? Because I just scraped my knee falling for you.
I'm going to start a hummus brand that comes in really difficult to open containers.
It's gonna be called 'hummus posta eat this'.
I usually sing with a deep voice. But when I wash my hands,
I sing faucetto.
She didn’t date the gardener. He was too rough around the hedges.
People didn't smile for pictures in the early days of photography...
It was frowned upon.
“Who is rich? He that is content. Who is that? Nobody.” – Benjamin Franklin
Did you hear that the police arrested a pair of vampires?
They got them on two Counts of robbing a blood bank!
“Children may be deductible, but they are still taxing.”
Flamingos are great at social events; they flamingle really well.
I thought the play was frightful but I saw it under particularly unfortunate circumstances - the curtain was up.
My wife asked me why I was ironing my 4 leaf clover.
I told her I was pressing my luck
"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by."
~ Douglas Adams
Where will Kim Jong-un’s ashes be stored?
In a Kim Jong-urn
Did you hear about the monk who was caught molesting kids? Yeah, bastard was telling the poor kids to touch his eunuch-horn.
What world-famous rock group has four guys that don't even sing? Mount Rushmore.
What do you call a broke santa? Give up yet? It's Saint-NICKEL-LESS.
How about I perform a sort on your variables, and you can analyze my performance? If I were sin2x and you were cos2x, together we’d be ONE!
What do skeletons hate the most about the wind?
Nothing. It goes right through them.
“I really don’t play well with others on a Monday. Can I skip today and just start again with Tuesday?”
No one laughed at my milk jokes. They said they were too cheesy.
What do you call a zombie in pajamas?
The sleepwalking dead.
What is a tiny cell phone called? A microphone.
Who is the wasps' favorite singer?
Sting.
I bring my knees to my head and lean forwards.
That's just how I roll.
Q. What do you get when you cross a doe with a bull?
A. A deery cow.
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