What is ice cream’s favorite TV show?
Game of Cones.
If you’re doing dangerous work on a platform that’s held together by screwed in bolts, then your life is hanging by a thread.
Have you ever heard of the Crows Law Of Energy Conservation?
It's also known as the Law of Caws and Effect.
I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high...
She looked surprised.
Did you get to hear his new collection of wolf puns? They are howl-arious, absolutely rib cracking.
Here, look at this blank piece of paper for a second… I wrote every reason why we should stick together on it.
Why is green ice cream so serendipitous?
It was mint to be.
The local band stand was struck by lightening yesterday while the band was playing.
Only the conductor was hit.
“Morning is wonderful. Its only drawback is that it comes at such an inconvenient time of day.”
— Glen Cook
Q. Which deer prison is escape proof?
A. Elk-atraz.
If you speak Hebrew and life gives you lemons...
You're an acidic Jew.
What did the witch say when the door-to-door broom salesman showed her a vacuum.
I don't want an automatic. I want a stick shift!
“It’s a bit unnerving That doctors call what they do practice.”
Unknown
What do you call a small Minotaur?
A Minitaur.
Strawberries love delicious food. Their favorite is Jam-balaya.
What belongs to you but others use more? Your name
What was the most common game played by Greek Gods?
Hydra and seek.
"If it weren't for the fact that the TV set and the refrigeratir are so far apart, some of us wouldn't get any exercise at all"- Joey Adams
Do you live on Mars? ‘Cause you look out of this world.
"For peep's sake."
Why did the skeleton start a fight?
He had a bone to pick.
"On cloud wine."
Woke up with sweats afraid I'd contracted the corona virus...
Changed into jeans and was all good.
What do chemists make guacamole out of?
Avogadros.
I was at a funeral & asked the priest for the WiFi password
"Have some respect for the dead!" he said
I replied "Is that all lower case?"
Talk literary to me.
What do you call someone who eats too many eggs?
An egg-oholic.
Angel, I want to run all the way with you.
Are you sugar? Because I just had sweet dreams about you.
What do you call a gnome priest?
A compact disc.
An Irishman, a Chinaman and an American all walk into a bar. This is an excellent example of integrated community.
What does the watermelon say to its girlfriend on Valentine’s Day? – “You are one in a melon!”
Why do ghosts and demons get along so well? Demons are a ghoul’s best friend.
Where do Russians get their milk?
From Mos-cows.
I just had a near-se* experience…
My whole wife flashed before my eyes.
Have you heard about that socially awkward chef that only cooks with snake meat?
I’m pretty sure he has Asp burgers.
Did you hear about the new holistic elf doctor?
He's a gnome-opath!
What did the teenage rock say after failing its drive test? I don’t want to talc about it.
What’s a balanced diet like?
A slice of cake in each hand!
Say it ain’t snow.
Archeologists say that mummies are very hard to find. Because they're all kept under wraps.
Why couldn’t the string quartet find their composer?
He was Haydn.
I wanted to write with the perfect first line… but It’s been a bit of a dilEmma coming up with one
What do you call someone who steals from the keebler elves? A crook-ie
“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” - George Burns
I can heartly wait to see you again.
What do a tree and a bog dog have in common?
They both have a lot of bark.
My wife and I had a huge argument as to whose turn it was to do laundry.
Eventually, I folded.
Roses are red, Roses are blue
Depending on their velocity relative to you
What do you feed a 700 pound gorilla?
Just give him anything he wants and then run.
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