I love you so truly,
I love you so fine,
Please be with me always,
Please forever be mine.
Without you I’m empty,
There’s a deep void I feel,
It’s nagging and persistent,
A feeling only you can heal.
I need you my sweetheart,
I can’t live without you dear,
Because when your gone,
There’s no food to eat here!
(Unknown)
What’s the best way to deal with a turkey?
Have it killed and then cran-bury it.
What is a cheese’s favorite kind of philosophy?
Epistemology and fetaphysics.
Why did the river refuse to join the sea? Because the sea was salty.
What is a popular name for girl peanuts?
Michelle.
Excuse me… Do these shoes make me look fast?
Why does the river have problems remembering things?
Because she is becoming sea nile.
Why did the Archaeopteryx get the most worms?
Because he was an early bird.
I stopped ironing my clothes.
I have less pressing concerns.
I don't need 3D glasses to see how beautiful you are!
If there's a will, there's a wave.
"When I feel like exercising I just lie down until the feeling goes away."
- Robert M. Hutchins.
During the summer break, I enrolled myself in a peach coding course.
I was thinking of making an investment on a new farming venture that feeds marijuana to cows instead of grass.
The steaks will be too high for sure.
My wife and I split up.
She got the “U” and I got the “P”
It was hot today and when I went outside I saw there was a line of guys standing outside the hairdressers. I thought to myself, "Such a lovely day to have a barber queue".
What do you call a socialite made of cheese?
Paris Stilton.
And what should every barista say to their customers? Have a brew-tiful day.
If a crocodile never admits he is wrong, he must be in de-nile..
You must be from Quebec because these feelings I have for you are Mont-real.
What is the best way to stop a pizza curling?
Hide its brush.
What do you say when you want a kiss from a flower?
Plant one on me.
What were middle-aged parents called in medieval times? Middle-aged parents.
Easter? I hardly even knew her.
Jerry was in the hospital recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.
“I’m OK but I didn’t like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery,” he answered.
“What did he say?,” asked the nurse.
“OOPS!”
Let's play some scrabble, I just need to get the croc-a-tiles.
Who does a witch call for help with computer problems?
Hex Support!
Lawyer: "Doctor, as a result of your examinations, would you say the woman was pregnant?"
Doctor: "Yes, she was pregnant, but not as a result of my examination."
(Taken from an actual trial)
"Every morning is good; it’s not his fault that someone didn’t sleep well."
– Unknown
The only time Chuck Norris was ever wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.
"Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby — awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess." — Lemony Snicket
How many tickles does it take to make a squid laugh?
Ten-tickles!
"When you’re older, Friday means less parking spots." - Larry David
Why couldn't the cowboy get down from his horse?
Because you can only get down from a goose.
Which vegetable is most likely to be your friend?
The broccoli.
Sorry, but you owe me a drink. Why? Because when I looked at you, I dropped mine.
Is that a bat in your pocket, or does my costume excite you?
What do you call a pig with no legs?
A groundhog.
Who is the corniest baseball player of all time?
Ty Cobb!
What would a winged horse put in the bathtub?
A pegaLush bath bomb.
What do donuts think about donut puns? They donut like them!
I always like to keep my place stocked with coffee and breakfast food in case I don't wake up alone.
What do you call a little tune about atmospheric moisture?
A humi-ditty.
Sherlock Holmes was doing some gardening, Watson asked what he was planting. He replied “A lemon tree, my dear Watson”.
Dad jokes are like Corona.
Everybody gets It but not everyone can laugh about It.
What do married snakes have on their bath towels?
Hiss and Hers.
What did the snowplow guy say when his equipment broke down?
Take this job and shovel it!
Earlier, I tried to sneak into the Star Trek convention disguised as the starship's doctor.
Security soon discoverd, however, I wasn't the real McCoy.
I beg your garden?
The mummy caught a really bad cold. He cannot stop coffin.
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