Everyone knows The Beatles, but do you know The Laundry Beatles?
It's members are Paul McCottoney, John Linen, Ringo Starch ... And George Harrison.
What do you call a party for snowmen? A snowball.
My wife just yelled that I should fall in a pit or hole sunk into the earth to reach a supply of water and die.
I know she means well.
What did the conifer say when he finally got alone with his crush? It’s just yew and me, baby.
What do you call a melon that commits a crime?
“A water-fellon!”
Why should you never fight a Gorilla?
They know king kong fu.
Where do light bulbs go shopping? The outlet stores.”
Ever wonder how gorillas can be so strong when they eat mostly a plant based diet?
Cuz they don't monkey around when it comes to strength training!
Are you doctor recommended? Because I’d like to to get a Hailey dose
The sheep says to the shepherd "you're an jerk and I hate you!" and the shepherd says "Say what?"
And the sheep goes "You herd me!"
"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on." — Joan Rivers
"I love those days when my only decision is whether to go to the beach in the morning or in the afternoon."
I hate lentils but I love peas. They're more ap-peas-ing to my pealate.
I meditate about you. Will you do the same too?
"Before I speak, I have something important to say."
To me, you’re just like hydrogen because you’re number 1!
Which band were way ahead of their time in the stage lighting department?
LED Zeppelin.
What did one slice of bread say to the other before the race?
You’re toast!
Where does a baby monkey sleep?
In an apricot.
How can you tell a blonde has used your computer? There is white out on the screen.
Why did Mrs. Wine Grape run away from home?
She was tired of raisin a family.
What sort of lights were on Noah’s Ark?
Flood lights.
What do you call clean music?
A soap opera!
Round the rough and rugged rock the ragged rascal rudely ran.
Some very good advice strawberries give to their children is to respect their elder-berries.
Where did the hamsters invade the beaver colony? Hamsterdam.
Poured beer over my garden before planting the lawn. I hoped the grass would come up half cut.
How did the baby tell her mom that she had a wet diaper?
She sent her a pee-mail.
Falling in love with you takes less time than my DNA takes to replicate.
“The downside of playing dumb is that you sound dumb.”
- Rachel Maddow
Man: Are those space pants.
Woman: No!, They're softball pants because my ass is out of your league.
When is a pumpkin not a pumpkin? When you drop it; then it's squash!
A gnome walks into a bar, and the bartender starts a tab for him. The gnome keeps pounding them away, one after the other. After a few hours, the gnome decides to call it a night. The bartender hands him his tab when the gnome realizes he left his wallet at home. He turns to the bartender and says, "Sorry, I'm a little short."
Have you noticed that most wolf parties begin at around midnight? Well, it is not by coincidence, it is so that they can have a howling good time.
Why couldn't the little witch read her spellbook?
It was written in curse-ive.
What do you call a group of chickens clucking in unison?
A Hensemble.
I had a meal recently that was made with ketchup and mustard.
It was delicious! My condiments to the chef!
What did Caesar say to Cleopatra?
"Toga-ther, we can rule the world!"
“I just wanna kick it in the woods with my birches.”
What do you call a boat full of polite football players?
A good sportsman ship.
What do you call a French guy flying a plane? A pilot.
"I guess I think of lotteries as a tax on the mathematically challenged."
- Roger Jones
I broke my spine in an accident last year. Had a life saving operation to fix my neck which permanently locked my head in place.
Since then I've never looked back.
If you were born and raised in France, what does that make you?
French bred.
“My family is really boring. They have a coffee table book called Pictures We Took Just to Use Up the Rest of the Film.”
- Penelope Lombard.
“You find out who your real friends are when you’re involved in a scandal.”
— Elizabeth Taylor
“I have never been hurt by what I have not said.”
Calvin Coolidge
Are you a fidget spinner? Because the last time I had fun with you was forever ago and I’m not really interested in touching you anymore. I’m pretty sure you were just a phase and now I’d really like to get you out of my house and forget it ever happened.
How do berries start off the fruity olympics? They cherry the Olympic torch around the globe.
My spiritual gift is my good looks. It lifts peoples spirits.
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