Me and my friends are in a band called “Duvet”.
We’re a cover band.
My mate Gavin passed away from heartburn last week.
Still can’t believe Gaviscon
HELP! It's a taco emergency!
Dial 9 Juan Juan!
Bodies Needed To Look After Graveyard
Just had Lobster Bisque for the first time!
It was souper good!
Can you hold my gloves for a second? I usually warm them by the fireplace, but you are way hotter.
I heard people are trying to ban roman numerals.
Not on my watch.
What do you call a Mongolian leader who got struck by lightning
Shocka Khan.
What do you call a monkey with a banana in each ear?
Anything you want, he can’t hear you.
Our landlord knocked on our door today and said that if we didn't pay rent, they'd turn off the heater tomorrow.
It was our last warming.
What did the owl’s valentine say?
You are hootiful.
What’s a goat’s favorite drink?
Goat-arade.
Why couldn’t the peanut finish the project?
Work came to a grinding halt.
What does a mommy cherry say to her children? I love you cherry much.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Gladys
Gladys who?
Gladys Friday, finally the weekend starts!
The last ten times I’ve been to a fancy dress party, I’ve gone as a shark.
The joke’s wearing fin.
My mom: son, why did I find "how to delete your history" in your history?
Me: because it was useless.
The dentist said that he could knock me out with gas, or he could use a big metallic rock.
I said ether/ore.
I keep telling my wife I want a Segway for my birthday.
But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.
Juvenile Court Tries Shooting Defendant
You’re my #1 pick.
What’s a goat’s favorite musical?
Joseph and his Amazing Technicolor Dream Goat.
You should never give milk to someone who is open minded and hasn't yet had breakfast. They're lack-toast and tolerant.
A wolf that uses bad language is known as a swearwolf.
Q. Which Greek eggplant dish do deer really eat up?
A. Moose-aka.
I have no shelf control.
Mooning is very ASStrological
Too tired, I’m out of aspara-gas.
Can I have directions?
To your heart.
The Secret Service surround the President with twelve cows because they were attempting to beef up their security.
What do you call a FISH with no Eyes? A FSH.
I’d be Ju-lyin’ if I said you weren’t super cute
What do you call a ruler of Egypt that hunts whales with a folding bed?
Futon Harpoon
The coddled superstar sat in the seats with the fans instead of on the bench
with the team; for this, ironically enough, he was accused of grandstanding!
"An Easter bonnet can tame even the wildest hare."
“On my income tax 1040 it says “Check this box if you are blind.” I wanted to put a check-mark about three inches away.”
– Tom Lehrer
What do you call an evil cow?
De-mooooon.
Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?
In case she needed to draw blood.
What do you call a cow that doesn’t produce any milk? A milk dud!
Why can't pencils move?
Because they are stationery.
Whoever discovered calculus sounded a bit derivative.
You’re the gravy to my turkey.
What do you call an elephant that’s never clean?
A smelly-phant.
Is your tent erect yet or do you need help with that?
Whats the difference between roast beef and pea soup? You can roast beef, but you cant pea soup!
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickleback.
What eats laptops? Computer worms.
Why did a can of nuts win the part in the Christmas pageant? Because they were the best nut-tavity actors.
The farmer went nuts because he was told it’s more profitable that way compared to other crops.
"I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty."
What’s an elephant’s favorite sport?
Squash.
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