Nobody showed up to my 16th birthday party,
I congratulated him on his win against Polyphemus and we started the party.
What do you call the guy who draws pictures of criminal suspects? A con artist.
Are you the black line at the bottom of the pool? Cause I can’t tear my eyes away from you.
For our anniversary, I gave my girlfriend a picture of me inside a pistachio. But that’s just me in a nutshell.
Why does the skeleton wear skinny jeans?
Because it’s got a marrow waistline.
One of my mother's friends asked if she could be a surrogate
I guess she was just looking for a womb for rent.
How did the raindrop ask another raindrop on a date?
He asked her “Water you doing tonight?”
Is this a catch and release fishing session? Because I don't want to let you go.
Please, please me
Why did the blonde volleyball player end up getting fired from her waitressing job? Someone said she needed to serve the food.
Did you hear that they're trying to convict an orange?
It got wrapped up in appeal.
So yesterday I saw a bottle of ketchup steal a bottle of mustard
'Twas saucepicious
The nectarine academic is doing a Ph.D. in 'Peach and Language Psychology' from the University of Georgia.
The way you talk to me leaves me aphasic.
Visitors are Doolin over these gorgeous views.
Hospitals Are Sued By 7 Foot Doctors
Had to my dinner with just a knife and spoon last night...
It wasn't easy, but that's a fork-gone conclusion.
Do you know the easiest way to stop squirrels from playing soccer in your garden is to hide the ball? Well, it drives them nuts.
What did the deer write in his journal every day? Deer diary.
Why didn’t the pineapple fit in with the other fruit? Because it’s rough around the edges.
A mom texts, "Hi! Son, what does IDK, LY, & TTYL mean?" He texts back, "I Don't Know, Love You, & Talk To You Later." The mom texts him, "It's ok, don't worry about it. I'll ask your sister, love you too."
What does someone mean by a light year? The same as a regular year, but with less calories and fat.
What is a ghost's favorite place to work?
Ghoul-gle.
What's a cow's favorite moosical note? Beef-flat
What do you call a Halloween boner? Petrified wood
I made a playlist for hiking. It has music from Peanuts, The Cranberries, and Eminem.
I call it my Trail Mix.
How do you confuse a blond?
Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.
Why did the bat walk in her pijamas to take a bath?
Because she did not have a bat robe.
How do you keep food warm in the refrigerator?
Keep it in the corner, because it is 90 degrees.
“Good morning world! Your little ray of sarcastic sunshine has arrived.”
– Unknown
I’ve got a phobia of over-engineered buildings.
It’s a complex complex complex.
How did the sheep cross the road?
It ram across.
Why did the baseball team recruit a tiny ghost?
Because they needed a little team spirit.
Giraffe: The highest form of animal life.
Why was the scuba diver failing Biology? Because he was below "C" level.
Why did the bus stop in the middle of the street? It saw a zebra crossing.
The pineapple is pining for the summer.
Oh, I thought I was playing the first round, but I guess I got a free pass. Bye.
What is sticky and brown? A stick!
What is a vampire's favorite fruit?
A blood orange.
Girl, you must be blue because you’re the hottest star around right now.
Name the child's favorite Christmas king? A stocking.
Hey babe, wanna make a zygote?
How do you keep a blond busy for 2 days? Give her a piece of paper that has "please turn over" written on both sides.
What's a nice girl like you doing in a dirty mind like mine?
Pirates used to make a delicious snack for themselves by crossing pate with flowers. They called it “lily livered”.
My communist grandparents hated each other, but still stayed married for more than 60 years.
It was a so-be-it union.
Which is a meat patty's least favourite day of the week? Fry-day!
If anyone says you’re a 10/10, they are lying, you’re an Ella-ven
Why was the man who hung tennis equipment from his ears arrested?
He was found guilty of racket-ear-ring
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