What do sloths make when it snows? Slow Angels.
I checked the meat thermometer, and you’re officially one hot bird.
You must be regulated by the FDA because you treat, cure, and prevent my broken heart.
Why does Avogadro like Cindy Crawford?
She's his favorite super-mole-dle (and she has a mole).
I'm working on a Yosemite Sam video game.
But it has a lot of Bugs.
At the baking competition in October, the chef said that he had eyes on the pies!
There was a bull in the neighborhood who would always vandalize my farm. Guess it was because I harvested Spanish onions.
I woke up this morning and forgot which side the sun rises from, then it dawned on me.
“Take care of him. And make him feel important. And if you can do that, you’ll have a happy and wonderful marriage. Like two out of every ten couples.”
— Neil Simon
I dropped my steak into the fire.
Well done, me, well done.
Did you know that geologists are athletic? Yeah, I read it in Quartz illustrated.
What do you call it when a skeleton is having a great time?
An osteoblast.
What do you say when you are happy with how life has been weeks before Easter? It’s so far been an egg-cellent spring.
A small step for cyan, a giant leap for bluemanity.
I actually prefer that life give me lemons so that I can make a pretty lady like you some lemonade on a hot Summer's day.
Why did the Jack-O-Lantern go to the pumpkin patch?
Because he had holes in him.
Medieval castles would have been great hangout spots in modern times because they had a great knight life!
Why did the slice of bread leave her boyfriend? She thought that he was just too knead-y.
This rock was magma before it was cool.
Get it?
“Best friends know how crazy you are and still choose to be seen with you in public.”
— Unknown
Hey would you believe me if I said I was bitten by a crocodile?
My eye doctor’s office is at the shopping mall.
She’s an Opthemallogist.
Are you sugar? Because I want you in everything I have.
How did dinosaurs clean their teeth?
With flossils.
What animal could Noah not trust?
Cheetah
What do you call a t-shirt with cut off arms?
An amputee.
What soccer position does a pink flamingo play? Flamingoalie.
“Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.” —Redd Fox
What is a skeleton’s favorite mode of transport?
A scare-plane.
A sales guy tried to sell me on a new preparation to wash my hair with, which supposedly contains the excrements of some very special rainforest animal or whatever.
I think it was Scampoo.
What did the witch say to people who visited her house?
Come sit for a spell!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Italy!
Italy who?
Italy all over in the morning.
How fast can a cave become vacant? At the drop of a bat.
What do you get when you drop a pumpkin? Squash.
“The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.”
Anonymous
It’s so cold walruses were visiting the hardware store in search of more insulation.
Did you hear the was a fire at a used furniture store and two people died next door?
It was due the second hand smoke
Did you hear about the blonde who gave her cat a bath? She still hasn't gotten all the hair off her tongue.
Which rangy centre could cover the whole ice? Jean Umbrelliveau.
Julius Caesar
Was a well dressed romaine.
How much will $20 get me?
My wife misplace the sugar with the salt in her sugar cookies.
It was sodium disgusting.
My girlfriend left me because of my obsession with Linkin Park. But in the end, it doesn't even matter.
Just brew it!
Cell phones are a static symbol.
You hear that? The ocean wants you to join me for a drink.
Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill? He wanted to get to the bottom.
“In spring we are on Earth; in summer we are on Earth; in autumn we are on Earth, but in winter we are in another planet; winter is another planet!” — Mehmet Murat ildan
Why did the rude unicorn not say hello to the other? Because while the pace (face) was familiar, he
just couldn’t remember the mane (name).
When do chickens go to bed?
Half past hen!
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