My friend called and said he was sick of his fireplace exhaust vent...
Sounds like another case of the flue.

What’s the difference between a buffalo and a bison?...
You can’t wash your hands in a buffalo.

What did you call the cat next door 10,000 years ago?
A neighbor-toothed tiger.

“Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep.” – Scott Adams

“I cannot go to school today,"
Said little Peggy Ann McKay.
“I have the measles and the mumps,
A gash, a rash and purple bumps.
My mouth is wet, my throat is dry,
I’m going blind in my right eye.
My tonsils are as big as rocks,
I’ve counted sixteen chicken pox
And there’s one more--that’s seventeen,
And don’t you think my face looks green?
My leg is cut--my eyes are blue--
It might be instamatic flu.
I cough and sneeze and gasp and choke,
I’m sure that my left leg is broke--
My hip hurts when I move my chin,
My belly button’s caving in,
My back is wrenched, my ankle’s sprained,
My ‘pendix pains each time it rains.
My nose is cold, my toes are numb.
I have a sliver in my thumb.
My neck is stiff, my voice is weak,
I hardly whisper when I speak.
My tongue is filling up my mouth,
I think my hair is falling out.
My elbow’s bent, my spine ain’t straight,
My temperature is one-o-eight.
My brain is shrunk, I cannot hear,
There is a hole inside my ear.
I have a hangn

“Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.”
- George Benard Shaw

What’s the best way to serve pi?
A la mode. Anything else is mean.

It was my wife's birthday the other day
I took her to an orchard and we stood there for 20 minutes.

Apparently it wasn't the Apple watch she wanted.

You can catch a lot of flies with honey
But you'll catch more honeys being fly.

Why did the skeleton go to acting classes?
He wanted tibia star.

Batman walks into a superhero-only pool, he is quickly stopped by a guard, the guard points to a sign that says
"No swimming without supervision."

Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet? Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

“Watching a dog try to chew a large piece of toffee is a pastime fit for gods. Mr. Fusspot’s mixed ancestry had given him a dexterity of jaw that was truly awesome. He somersaulted happily around the floor, making faces like a rubber gargoyle in a washing machine.”—Terry Pratchett

What did the king say when he heard that the peasants were revolting? He said he agrees because they never bathe and always stink.

You're the cutest jailbird I ever did see, I sure would be delighted with your company.

I can go 90 minutes without stopping.

From the moment I saw you, I knew I would be spending the rest of my life trying to avoid you.

That’s a-may-zing!

Everything about you is perfect except one thing, you aren't married to me.

The most useless room in a ghost's home in the living room.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don’t know, why?
To get to the loser’s house.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
The chicken!

Did you hear about the rabbit who refused to leave her house? She was having a bad hare day.

Gardening question: Does anyone know a good place where I can buy a fern? Asking for a frond.

I caught the chef sticking his hand in the cooking pot. He looked at me and said...
"I was just feeling a little chili."

Why is six afraid of seven?
Because seven eight nine!

Why does the rabbit bring toilet paper to the party? Because he is a party pooper.

What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A hot dog and a six pack of beer.

I wish I had some butter for them biscuits.

Dolphins don't have accidents.
They do everything on porpoise.

When she spotted fake ramen in her soup, she said, “ This soup has impasta in it.”

I dislike toilet paper because...
They're tearable.

Why do medieval ghosts refuse to stop at McDonald's?
They prefer Wight Castle.

I sit in front if my ex in physics.
There used to be a lot of friction between us.

Why did the dyslexic elf get fired?
He kept writing "From Satan" on children's New Year presents.

Why didn’t Dr. Frankenstein ever make a second monster?
Because he just didn’t have the guts to do it again.

What do Spanish phantoms say when they like something?
me ghosta.

Can I have your number so I can call when I need a ride to your heart?

Earlier today someone sent me a bunch of flowers, but all the heads had been cut off.
I think I'm being stalked.

What game do some skiers like to play on the road trip to the slopes?
Ice Spy With My Little Ice.

Picky people pick Peter Pan Peanut-Butter, 'tis the peanut-butter picky people pick.

Our weather bureau is actually an umbrella organization.

“Grandparents are there to help the child get into mischief they haven’t thought of yet.”—Gene Perret

“When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.”
George Burns

He has some good puns on crows, but he doesn’t have to keep crowing about it.

“If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for a month.”
Theodore Roosevelt

My son told me, “The car manual says that I shouldn’t turn up the stereo to full volume.”
I said, “That’s sound advice.”

My wife won't let me become a bean farmer. Why won't she just let me work in peas!

Why do brain cells grown in a dish attend the ballet and opera?
Because they are very cultured.

I was thinking whether I should write you or not.. but honestly, there isn’t Hannah-other better choice than to

What is the left side of an apple? The part that you don't eat.