What does a koala do before making any kind of appointment? He always checks his koalander.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? De-brie went everywhere!
My friend who's a vampire was feeling a bit low. I told him to drink B positive.
What do you give to a sick lemon?
lemonaid.
Excuse me… Do these shoes make me look fast?
“They dream in courtship, but in wedlock wake.” — Alexander Pope
Where do cows get together?
The meet market.
Ooh, you look boo-tilicious!
I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and by then it was too late.
Max Kaufman
What covers the floor of the motzarella forest?
Cheese sticks.
Volleyball is air affair. This would be a good motto for your team.
Wedding cake tastes just like Birthday cake
It just takes more commitment.
"Too many people spend money they haven’t earned, to buy things they don’t want, to impress people they don’t like." ~ Will Smith
I switched labels in my wife's spice cabinet.
She hasn't noticed, but the thyme is cumin.
The only thing sweeter than pumpkin pie is you, baby!
“Thank you, the day after Thanksgiving, or as the makers of sweatpants call it, 'the busy season.'" — Jimmy Fallon
"When traveling with someone, take large doses of patience and tolerance with your morning coffee."
– Helen Hayes
How do venomous snakes kill their prey?
In cold blood.
Why did the river refuse to join the sea? Because the sea was salty.
What was the shark’s favorite Tim Burton film?
Edward Scissorfins.
I call the shots.
What did the mother turkey say to her disobedient children? "If your father could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy!"
"I carrot wait for the Easter Bunny."
Chuck Norris once went to mars. Thats why there are no signs of life.
Llama know if you don’t like these puns and alpaca my suitcase and leave!
Is your nickname Mercury? Cause you look habitable.
I think you are a horror movie because I can't sleep when I think about you.
I heard about a football player who had a heart attack and collapsed on top of his opponent.
He was dead on a rival.
What do you say to an overbearing pig? Stop porcine the issue.
What did the owl’s valentine say?
You are hootiful.
Do you like hot foods
If so, you definitely are what you eat.
The first time ever I saw your face I thought the sun rose in your eyes
I just lost my job and may be Baroque, but that doesn't mean I can't show you a good time.
Why do trees like to watch Star Trek? They really relate to the Captain’s log.
My dentist pulled out the wrong tooth...
He said it was acci-dental.
What did the steak say to his enemy? I have a T-bone to pick with you!
What type of pants do rain clouds wear? Thunderwear.
Did you just fart?
Why, because I blew you away?
No, because you smell like sh*t.
What did the baby cloud say to its mum when it rained? Sorry, mum, I couldn't hold it any longer.
What did the thunderstorm say to the lightning rod?
You'll never catch me, copper!
Made a whole bunch of dad jokes at Thanksgiving dinner...
I pulled out all the Pops!
What has leaves, is green and a trunk? A houseplant heading on vacation.
I was at an office conference this past autumn. I made a new friend and when I asked for his contact details, he said, "Here is my November!"
If a lion is the king of the jungle...
Then shouldn’t they call it a reignforest?
A week after the werewolf swallowed the farmer’s clock, it had ticks all over.
What do you call a snake with no clothes on?
Snaked.
Clean clams crammed in clean cans.
What did the scientist say when he found 2 isotopes of helium?
"HeHe."
He knew literally everything about the constellations. Some might even say that his knowledge of the night sky was astronomical.
Medieval Kings and Queens were afraid of the rain in the middle ages because the rain would storm the castle.
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