What car make did the Apostles drive?
Honda… because the apostles were all in one Accord.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Fork
Fork who?
Fork-get it, I'm leaving!
“Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath, and hope we’ve set aside enough money to pay for our kids’ therapy.”
—Michelle Pfeiffer
A burglar broke into my house and took all my condiments, now I'm Spiceless in Seattle.
Why is green ice cream so serendipitous?
It was mint to be.
This weekend, I will watch a new Irish movie based on a marathon runner who only ate potatoes. It is called Starch Trek.
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”
- Wayne H
What do you call a sloppy Joe made with taco seasoned beef?
Sloppy José
How do Chinese people make cutlery?
They chopsticks.
What's an owl's favorite rock band?
The Who
Pad kid poured curd pulled cold.
What do you call a bunny who was raised in a hotel? An inn-grown hare.
How many sheets could a sheet slitter slit if a sheet slitter could slit sheets?
What did the girl dinosaur ask her pet dog?
"Do you want some tea, Rex?"
Did you hear about the troupe of gnome dancers that robbed half the city blind?
They had a good run, but the jig is up.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Aldo.
Aldo who?
Aldo anything for you.
Hey, do you still remember me? Oh, that’s right. We only met in my dreams.
A man was about to propose to his fiancé but as soon as he got down on his knees, she started laughing.
It was a fun knee moment.
Miners Refuse To Work After Death
A little boy asks his dad, “Why is it raining? Is the sky sad?”
The dad replies, “Yes, son, the sky is pretty blue.”
Why are they called tacos?
They don’t say much.
Who did the goats vote for as president?
Billy Clinton.
Why do communist hate bacon?
Because it’s from capitalist pigs.
The perfect name for a pig that plays basketball is a ball hog.
Why do some guys have Red Eyes after se*? Mace.
I think we need to become better strangers.
How can someone tell if a bee is on their phone? They'll get a buzzy signal.
A lot of William Shakespeare’s plays were based off of old Greek and Roman performances
That's playgarism if you ask me.
How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the psycho path.
How do you count cows?
With a cowculator.
I froze some raspberries last summer. You're hot enough to defrost them.
My brother just admitted that he broke my favourite lamp.
I'm not sure I'll be able look at him in the same light ever again
How do clams call their friends?
Clams call their friends on their shell phones!
“Friends buy you food. Best friends eat your food.”
— Unknown
If I told you you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
What did the wise papa fish tell his son?
Keep your friends close and your anemones closer.
What is the difference between a pineapple and a school bus? The little pricks are on the inside of the bus, but on the outside of the pineapple.
Pirate ship Captain: Listen up, I need some help in writing 2 in Roman numerals.
Crew: I I captain.
Even though Jake was a heartthrob Casanova, he just had to break up with his long-time watermelon vending girlfriend; said she was always melondramatic about everything.
"Hey babe, you heard of the movie 'Other people?'"
"Yeah, why?"
"I think we should see it."
Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill? He wanted to get to the bottom.
What is a light bulb’s favorite kind of news?
Current events.
Why would you Mary Shelley when you could marry me?
Did you get a hair cut?
No, I got them all cut.
Where do bus drivers eat their lunches? In a traffic jam.
A wolfswagon rabbit is by far the best car you can gift a wolf.
So, is it my dugout or yours?
What’s a missionary’s favorite kind of car?
A convertible.
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them’s making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
When you offered me love, I lepton it!
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