Hey, would you like to be lab partners? It would be a pleasure to do some anatomy and biology experiments with you.
Have a gneiss day! This is one of the simplest rock puns, but it is certainly a gneiss way to start your day out right!
You know what I saw today? Everything I looked at.
When you cross a wolf and a monkey, you end up with a howler monkey.
“I figured out why Uncle Sam wears such a tall hat. It comes in handy when he passes it around.”
— Soupy Sales
I wish I were Castiel so I could have everything in your personal space.
I always wanted to keep my wisdom teeth but I just went to the dentist and it looks like they're gonna have to be removed...
To be honest this is pretty de-molar-izing.
Why won't prison life be much different from playing for the Bills? OJ will still have big guys opening holes for him.
I can score from multiple positions.
What do you call a cold, angry pig? A ham-brr-grr.
Where do you get frog's eggs?
At the spawn shop.
What did the Gorilla say to his friend when he called him back on the phone?
You-Rang-a-Tang?
"Happy Easter to all my peeps."
“Stretch marks are just rad lil’ lightning strikes here to remind you that you are a force of nature.”
My colleagues took April Fools Day pretty seriously this year.
Over a month and a half of going into the office and they're all still hiding from me.
Why was the doctor so paranoid?
He worked in the ICU.
I want an almond flavoured biscuit. Amaretti? You bet I am.
What do stylish kangaroos wear?
Jumpsuits.
That raven is so stubborn at times, he just needs to crow up.
Where do crows try their luck?
Ma-cau
If you let me, I will chase you like a cheetah.
You can never make a crumble with just 3.14 strawberries because that would make a pi.
What type of chocolate do they sell at the airport?
Plane Chocolate!
What do spiritual gnomes say when doing yoga? Gnom-aste.
We fit together like a gitch in a wedgie.
No taxation without representation! But, there is a kiss tax. Strictly enforced and right on the lips.
What do a balloon and a man have in common?
One prick pretty much ruins them.
I'd take that cackhanded banana-bender on a walkabout
Flamingos are great at social events; they flamingle really well.
One of my friends who hates crows, looked at a flock of crows, I saw murder in his eyes.
Chuck Norris once heard that nothing can kill him
So he tracked down nothing and killed it.
What’s the opposite of Easter?
Wester
What do you call a white crow?
A caw-casian.
Everyone is getting so paranoid, and diving into conspiracy theories lately...
Must be something in the water.
Why do perfumes always hang out in pairs?
Because they don't want to get cologne-ly!
If I had a nickel for every time someone called me young...
I could buy a lollipop.
Chuck Norris is the only person that can punch a cyclops between the eye.
Why was the snake mad at the jewel thief?
Because he wanted his diamondback.
Fortune-teller was killed by a car bomb
Couldn’t foresee the C4.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Brown is the color
Of elephant poo.
What’s an orca’s favorite TV show?
Whale Of Fortune.
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Stick him in an oven until his Bill Withers
Some people have to stop telling meat puns, because they simply butcher every single joke.
Is your vocal range tenor? Because if there were tenor (ten of) you Iwould be very happy.
The lobster and the crab one day
Proposed a friendly race.
Agreed upon the time were they,
Agreed upon the place.
The start and finish lines were where
The two thought they should be.
The crayfish with a clock was there
To act as referee.
And though the rule-book then was read,
Not all was clarified;
For as the lobster forward sped
The crab went to the side.
(Jeffrey Krise)
Hey Baby, wanna find out why they call me Pumpkin-Head?
Where do crows type? Crows type on cawmputers.
"Sometimes you just need to lie on the couch and read for a couple of years."
Flamingos do annoy each other sometimes. Apparently this is because they enjoy ruffling feathers.
What is a cannibal’s favorite cheese?
Limb-burger.
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