What is an elf’s favorite kind of birthday cake?
Shortcake!
I'd steer clear of dating a dyslexic bus driver.
Sure, they may take you places, but there'll be mixed signals along the way.
“Never get married in college; it’s hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you’ve already made one mistake.”—Elbert Hubbard
What did the pickle say to the lemon?
I relish our time together
Summer is just floating by.
What is a vampire's favorite fruit?
A blood orange.
I love you so truly,
I love you so fine,
Please be with me always,
Please forever be mine.
Without you I’m empty,
There’s a deep void I feel,
It’s nagging and persistent,
A feeling only you can heal.
I need you my sweetheart,
I can’t live without you dear,
Because when your gone,
There’s no food to eat here!
(Unknown)
What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates? A tearjerker.
Did you know that unicorns live in New York City? I swear why do you think their called uNYCorns?
What did the bottled water tell the spy?
The names bond, Hydrogen bond.
Easter is grammatically incorrect.
We should say more east.
I inshtalled my shelf wrong and it fell on top of me, breaking my jaw. Now I shound weird.
I guesh I only have myshelf to blame.
Grandmother Of Eight Makes Hole In One
What do you call a cold crocodile in winter? A refrigerator.
What did they call Dracula after his team won the big game?
The Champire.
Pretty lady, I guess wishes do come true, seeing as a boy like me met a a girl like you.
What did the boy say when his mom made him prepare the corn for supper?
This shucks!
Do truckers prefer houses with long-haul ways?
What did man say to the guacamole?
Avocado crush on you.
“Friends buy you food. Best friends eat your food.”
— Unknown
What did the Christmas tree tell his crush? I pine for you.
Were you born in 1789? Because you’re a real classical beauty
Did you hear the one about the geologist? He took his wife for granite so she left him.
We can share my yoga mat so we can become one.
Q. Why did the girl-illa win the beauty contest?
A. She was beast of show!
Staying humble thanks to that fumble
Too bad my serve hit the tape. Well, at least they’ll LET me hit it again.
All you need is a good dose of vitamin sea.
Did you hear the Islamic music group who covered "I've Got You Babe?"
Sunni and Shia.
Have you heard about the new meat that’s taking the world by storm? It’s a cross between a cow and a chicken. They call it “roost beef”.
How do you light a swimming pool on fire?
You don't.
Roses are red, potatoes are brown; you are my favorite spud in the whole town!
What does a gardener call the tree surgeon who also makes a great cup of coffee?
Arbor-ista.
Yo momma so fat...
She can't even fit into her Birthday Suit.
What is your favorite yoga pose?
What did the fans say to the band named after a famous chickpea spread?
Hummus a tune.
What nut is always begging for attention?
Pssst-tachios.
Experts suggest that the crows flying beak first into windows at a horrifying speed comit a murder suicide.
How are waiters and blockers similar? When they do a good job, they get a big fat tip.
I left my phone under my pillow last night and woke up to coins underneath it. It must have been the Blue-tooth fairy.
What is the most favourite drink of a cow? Mountain Moo.
What do horses like to put on their egg salad sandwiches?
MayoNAYS!
Judging by the sounds, there’s an ogre staying in the hotel room above me.
Hopefully he shreks out tomorrow.
I'd hate to be the bearer of bad blues.
Q: Why did the pea sell his car?
A: The back seat didn’t have enough legume.
What did Shakespeare say as he was making a cheese plate?
To brie or not to brie.
What’s black and white and yellow?
A cowardly panda.
Why don’t oysters share their pearls? Oysters don’t share their pearls because they’re shellfish!
The man who invented the door knocker won a no-bell prize.
When you look at the sky and see the moon
You're looking at a subtle light
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