“When I hear somebody sigh, ‘Life is hard,’ I am always tempted to ask, ‘Compared to what?'”
Sydney J. Harris
Mountains aren't just funny.
They're hill areas.
What do you call a FISH with no Eyes? A FSH.
I saw a real rob-bbery today. It happened right before my berry eyes.
What happened to the man who didn’t pay his exorcist? His house was repossessed.
"If you want to know how old a woman is then ask her sister-in-law." - Edgar Howe
I suffer from amnesia. Do I come here often?
“How did my driving test go? You could say I mailed it!”
Where do elves vote?
The North Poll.
"Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!"
Why Did the Whale Cross the Ocean?
To get to the other tide.
I'm 6'6", 280lb, and I've played piano for 23 years
I'm a huge pianist.
"You call it chaos. We call it a family vacation."
"Men do not quit playing because they grow old—they grow old because they quit playing." - Oliver Wendell Holmes
I'm attracted to you so strongly, scientists will have to develop a fifth fundamental force.
The paddy don’t start till I walk in.
Babe can I get a cookie that tastes like you?
I saw a friend of mine named Ella sit down to eat a fillet of salmon. As she lifted the fork to her mouth I screamed NO DON’T EAT THAT!
When she asked why I responded “you’ll get salmon-Ella!”
What is a polar bear’s favorite cereal?
Ice Crispies.
I've removed all the black keys from my piano
Hopefully I'll C Major improvement!
What did the Cheese salesman say? That cheese may be Gouda, but this one is Feta!
"I’m Nobody! Who are you?"
I’m Nobody! Who are you?
Are you – Nobody – too?
Then there’s a pair of us!
Don’t tell! they’d advertise – you know!
How dreary – to be – Somebody!
How public – like a Frog –
To tell one’s name – the livelong June –
To an admiring Bog!
– Emily Dickinson
One should never mix oranges in apple juice. Well, perhaps you may do it once in a blue moon.
Why was the cow always exercising? To build up its moo-scles
By any chance, is your atomic number 11? Well, it’s because you are sodium fine!
Why don't squirrels wear skinny jeans?
Because their nuts won't fit.
What football team do energy providers root for the most? The Chargers”
The old and wise onion had once told me that life is similar to onions. Whenever we peel off our protective layers, we end up crying.
Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight. One draws a line in the dirt and says, "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face."
That was the punchline.
Are you sure you're not a tower? Because Eiffel for you.
What is the name of the final exam you take when studying bird law? The crow bar.
Why do girls scouts sell cookies? They wanna make a sweet first impression.
Roofs of mushrooms rarely mush too much.
When pigs live high on the hog, they run the risk of going into hock.
A witch with chickenpox is called an itchy-witchy.
The fruit teacher taught figures of peach in today's class.
What kind of bird always gets stuck in the nest? A velcrow.
Why did the volleyball player have ropes and shoe strings? They wanted to tie the score.
What’s a Movers favorite football team?
The Packers!
Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
My aunt showed up to our Halloween party wearing ranch bottle costume. She was an hour late.
Her response: Sorry, I was getting dressed.
Where do sperm play football?
In a con-dome.
There’s this corn on the cob stand that I really like, but it started making ads
They were really corny.
“You fool! You’re 30 cents away from having a quarter!” –Sweet Dick Willie (Robin Harris)Do the Right Thing
What did one of Frankenstein’s ears say to the other?
I didn’t know we lived on the same block.
My wife asked, “If someone’s body just isn’t fighting the virus, would getting the vaccine help?”
I told her I think it’s worth a shot.
Busy Cat
I'm 8 AM and time to nap
It's 10 AM and time to relax
It's 12 PM and time to doze off
It's 3 PM and time to zonk out
It's 6 PM and time to slumber
It's 9 PM and time to snooze
It's 12 AM and time to sleep
It's 4 AM and time to hang upside down
from your bedroom ceiling, screaming
Why did the forest ranger never put their tent between fires
because if they did the tents would be in a across fire
Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board
I can remember where I got married.
I can remember when I got married.
I just can’t remember why.
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