Chuck Norris tells Simon what to do.
What do you get when your cross a bear and a tiger?
A bear and a tiger seeking revenge.
A Zen Monk is talking to a hot dog vendor.
"What will you have?" asks the vendor.
The Monk says, "make me one with everything."
What did the sign in the Egyptian funeral home say?
"Satisfaction guaranteed or double your mummy back"
How do flowers kiss?
With their tulips
Which birds are good at holding things together?
Velcrows.
I would hug you after a Bikram Yoga class
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
“Nutrition labels should include a “What if I ate the whole thing” section.”
― Unknown
What do you call a sausage that's been to the doctor? Cured meat!
What do you call a cow with no legs at all? Ground beef
When a zombie apocalypse starts, Chuck Norris doesn't try to survive. The zombies do.
Crows organized a cawnfrences, to discuss the upcoming project.
You couldn't cut the s*xual tension in here with a Yellowknife.
When everyone agreed with Hulk at breakfast that they love waffles more, he said, "Not all heroes wear crepes."
You wanna score or just knock around some soccer balls?
Damn! You're almost as hot as my sister/brother.
It took me forever to figure out where my mustache went.
Turns out, it was right under my nose the whole time.
What does a deer call her boyfriend?
Cari-boo.
Are you a beaver? Beause daaaaaaaaam!
Why doesn’t the squirrel accept cash or credit at his store? Because it only accepts cash.
What do you call a medieval spearman who is self employed?
A freelancer.
Whenever my wife is upset I let her color in my black and white tattoos
She just really needed a shoulder to crayon
“Yoga is not about tightening your ass. It’s about getting your head out of it.” — Eric Paskel
"A stupid person laughs three times at a joke; once when everyone else is laughing, a second time when he actually gets the joke, and a third time when he realizes he was laughing without getting the joke at first."
After the Moroccan scored a Hat-trick, the players gathered for the fez-off.
Why did the bicycle go to bed early?
Because it was two-tyred
What was the Romans' greatest achievement?
Learning to speak Latin!
Do you believe in love at first set, or should we run it another time?
When I was in basic training we couldn't have salt or pepper.
Those were reserved for the seasoned veterans.
How do you know when a potato is in a bad mood? When they are acting salty
Professor: "What's a hydraulic ram used for?" "It's where you get steel wool!"
What does a cat like to eat on his birthday? Mice cream and cake!
What kind of bee makes milk?
A Boobie!
Q: What is a tornado’s favorite game?
A: Twister
Why is the French Prime Minister never seen in the morning?
Becasue he is pm not am!
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Doris.
Doris who?
The Doris locked, why do you think I'm knocking?
Affogato? Afforgeto where I am when I'm with you.
A giant fly has attacked the local police...
Police have called SWAT team.
What do you call a kangaroo DJ?
Disc joey.
Ever since I laid my eyes on you
I have been wanting to ask you something
Something that has been eating me up
I knew I had to ask it when I got the chance
Are you on twitter?
So that I can follow you
(Anonymous)
Hi there, I heard you were looking for something locally grown? How about some organic and 100% locally grown companion?
Can you explain why your neighbor’s yard is so messy and overgrown?
“We’d never.”
They say that I’m not good enough for you,
And perhaps what they say just might be true.
They tell you to leave me and cast me aside,
To lock all the doors and kick me outside.
But I’ve got one last plea to say in the end,
I’m not the only one who forgot the name of his girlfriend!
What is the difference between Barry Zito and bowling icon Walter Ray Williams, Jr.?
Walter Ray Williams, Jr. knows how to throw a strike.
I went to a new kind of show yesterday, which was hosted by a color-changing lizard. He was a good stand-up chameleon.
Baby, you’re hotter than Rome under Nero.
Why can't you use a wooden spoon in a Teflon pan?
Because its non stick.
England is the wettest country because many monarchs reigned there for many years.
Hey girl, my gold medal might be shiny but it looks like a dull penny compared to that sparkle in your eyes
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