How do you know the French Onion is Canadian?
Because the oignon est!
Why don't crabs give to charity?
Because they're shellfish.
I know Benjamin Franklin.
Looks like I’ve finally found my one and Zoe
Did you hear about the new Wifi connected chef's knife?
It's cutting-edge technology.
Which composer likes tea the most?
Chai-kovsky.
What did the broken hearted skeleton say?
After all to-marrow is another day.
Q: What did the leaf say to the wind?
A: You really blew me away.
What do you call a clever ant?
Brilli-ant.
At what time of day was Adam created?
A little before Eve.
I would totally carve your pumpkin.
Did you want to hear the joke about the mountain? Never mind, you would never get over it.
Artists are colorful people who know how to draw on their emotions.
"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by."
~ Douglas Adams
What happens before it starts raining candy?
It sprinkles!
Why did the strawberries turned red? Because they saw the salad dressing.
“Always respect Mother Nature. Especially when she weighs 400 pounds and is guarding her baby.”
- James Rollins.
What do you call a very active hydra?
Hydradynamic.
Hey there cyclist, an I make you a recovery drink? You're going to need it.
What do you get if you cross a pumpkin with a bigfoot?
A Sasquash.
How do you get down off a horse?
You don’t, you get down off a duck.
"People complain that there are delays on flights. Delays, really? New York to California in five hours, that used to take 30 years."
- Louis C.K.
How does a suit put his child into bed?
He tux him in.
The ghost scared all the boys who ventured into the haunted house and then varnished into the almirah!
“People who work sitting down get paid more than people who work standing up.” – Ogden Nash
Guess what I’m wearing? The smile you gave me!
I wanted to write with the perfect first line… but It’s been a bit of a dilEmma coming up with one
Which type of wine do horses request most often?
Chardon-neigh.
What do computers eat for a snack?
Microchips!
Chuck Norris is a coward!
If that sucker was so brave as people say he would show up here right now and smash my head against my key
How do you come up with a secure password to protect yourself against hackers?
Just make it the last 10 digits of pi.
My wife left me because she thinks I'm too insecure...
No, wait, she's back. She was just making a cup of tea.
What do you do when you're in a knife fight with a group of clowns?
Go for the juggler.
What do you call it when you brush off the winter snow for the last time?
A spring fling!
“Make yourself look really stupid so you don’t feel bad doing something a little stupid.”
- Mark Hoppus
Why did Karen press Ctrl-Shift-Esc on her keyboard?
Because she wanted to speak to the Task Manager!
Dog to Waiter: Are there any bones in this?
Waiter to Dog: Yes sir, why’s that?
Dog to Waiter: Because I really dig them!
Are you a banana? Because I find you a-peeling
Basketball players always drop cookies into their milk.
That way, it's a slam dunk.
If you were a boat I would keep you in a garage.
"That's all, yolks."
What do worms leave round their baths?
The scum of the earth!
Why do trees make the worst enemies?
Because they are the best at throwing shade.
Why cant a mosquito stand on his feet?
because they dont have mosquiTOES.
Why did the barber win the race?
He took a short cut!
Why do fish live in salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze!
Sorry, but I can only be with you twice.
That's Now...and Forever.
It’s never great taking a truck driver to the cinema to watch a film. They only really like the trailers.
A ship load of red paint crashed into a ship load of blue paint. The crews were marooned.
When the peach pit farewell to his friend, he said, "See you later, peach out".
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