The sweetest and punny name to call a pig is Mudpie.
I slapped my violin out of anger, then I got arrested for domestic violins.
Man: Any Generic Pick Up Line
Woman: "I like your approach, now let's see your departure."
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms
Why do blondes wear hooped ear rings. So they have somewhere to put their feet when having se*.
The secretary left me a message saying humidity will hit 90% today...
She wrote it on a sticky note.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Etch.
Etch who?
Bless you.
I was thinking about hopping in the shower...
But I realized that I might slip and hurt myself.
If you happen to knock down all the pins, don’t be overly excited. Spare us the details.
What was Peppa Pig's family doing on Thanksgiving?
They were bacon stuff.
What did the police arrest the hospital patient for?
He was under cardiac arrest.
Why are trees such great drivers? They always take the shortest root.
What did the geologist say when his doctor asked him if he was ready for his colonic? No FRACKING way!
I once attended the saddest watermelon funeral I’ve ever been to. I gotta say, I’ve never seen anything so meloncholy in my life.
I don't normally put all my eggs in one basket, but I wanna be your number one bunny, honey.
“Venice is like eating an entire box of chocolate liqueurs in one go.”
— Truman Capote
What do skeletons hate the most about the wind?
Nothing. It goes right through them.
My wife just yells from upstairs and asks "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"
Sounding concerned, I reply, "No..."
A few seconds of silence, and then she shouts: "How about now?"
What's the difference between trumpet players and government bonds? Government bonds eventually mature and earn money.
Every time I think about you, my heart’s tempo shifts from adagio to allegro.
Which bus went from Spain to America?
Columbus.
Why is the ocean always on time?
She likes to stay current.
Something in a thirty-acre thermal thicket of thorns and thistles thumped and thundered threatening the three-D thoughts of Matthew the thug - although, theatrically, it was only the thirteen-thousand thistles and thorns through the underneath of his thigh that the thirty year old thug thought of that morning.
What did the pear say to the other pear when they just got together?
It’s good to be a pair.
Did you hear that they're trying to convict an orange?
It got wrapped up in appeal.
What sound drum set from the junkyard makes?
Ba-dump-tss
What do you call a group of orcas that play music?
An iPod.
Why don't birds make cell phone calls? They might accidentally wing the wrong number.
Are you Messi? 'Cause you look ike you'd never miss
You really gotta hand it to short people, because they can't reach it on their own.
What did the Egg say to the boiling water? It's going to take awhile to get me hard I just got layed by some chick!
Fall is a-maize-ing.
If you can't get Swine Flu from eating bacon what can you get? A1: Obesity A2: Heart Disease A3: Hardening of the Arteries.
What did the banker want from the baker?
To pump her nickels.
"If I knew I was going to live this long, I'd have taken better care of myself." —Mickey Mantle
I used to search for clams on the beach
But then I pulled a mussel.
That’s a-may-zing!
Have you heard Mariah Kleenex's big holiday single?
It's called "I Don't Want a Snot for Christmas"
I met him yesterday, he was on his way to meet the counselor for a peach therapy session.
How can you tell which end of a worm is which?
Tell it a funny Halloween joke and see which end laughs!
He came, he thawed, he conquered.
What’s a donut’s favorite lullaby?
“Sprinkle, Sprinkle Little Star.”
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Why was the nice guy such a lousy baseball player?
Because he never got to home base.
Where are noses made?
At the olfactory.
Why did Dr. Frankenstein hire Igor as his assistant?
He had a hunch about him.
Earlier, I tried to sneak into the Star Trek convention disguised as the starship's doctor.
Security soon discoverd, however, I wasn't the real McCoy.
What is a baby parrot's favourite game? Beak-a-boo!
What did pharaohs use to wipe?
Poo-pyrus
What do rocks eat?
Pom-a-granites.
Go to BabaMail
