I was reading the book of numbers yesterday, and I realized I don’t have yours.
It feels great to hit the ball again. It spin a long time.
What do you yell at two mummies making out in public?
Get a tomb!
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home."
– Robert Orben
How many dinosaurs can fit in an empty box ? One . After that, the box isn't empty anymore!
Which vegetable is most likely to be your friend?
The broccoli.
In Ancient Rome, there were 4 types of poison. Poisons I, II, and III would all kill you with varying degrees of pain.
However, Poison IV would just make you really itchy.
The reason he went smiling all the way to the jail is because the judge sentenced him to a life behind chocolate bars.
How do you tell the difference between a violinist and a dog?
The dog knows when to stop scratching.
How do you know when a potato is in a bad mood? When they are acting salty
Which monster plays the most April Fool’s jokes?
Prankenstein.
What do cows do for entertainment?
They rent moovies!
Listen, I’ve got a couple important questions and I really need Samanthas
If your hair is long enough when shampooing...
Does Head & Shoulders then become Knees & Toes?
What did the man say after he slipped and fell on the ice. Nothing he just gave everyone the cold shoulder.
What if soy milk is just regular milk that's trying to introduce itself in Spanish?
“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
Miles Kington
Sorry, but you owe me a drink. Why? Because when I looked at you, I dropped mine.
What does a English turkey say to another English turkey on Thanksgiving morning?
"To be roasted or not to be roasted, that is the question."
You have the prettiest smile I have ever seen.
I think therefore I yam.
I was painting my room with my brother...
When I realised. He's not a very good brush.
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
Groucho Marx
What do you get when you photocopy fruit?
Paper jam.
Are you from Starbucks because I like you a latte!
Are you a big fan of beef? I am. In fact, I could eat it until the cows come home.
My mom told me it would be good for my self-esteem if I asked out people who aren't conventionally attractive.
People always talk about the 'Eye Of The Tiger'. No one talks about the other four letters.
Where do folks from Bilbao, Spain buy outdoor equipment?
The Basque Pro Shop.
Which Bible Character is a locksmith?
Zaccheus.
An electrician needed to change 8 fluorescent lamps to brighten up a large conference room at our office. I asked him if he needed a hand carrying them.
He said no, this is light.
Two monkeys are high up in the tree.
One turns to the other and says, “Oooo ooo aah aahh!!”
The second monkey says, “Well put some cold water on it then!"
Are you Christmas? Because I want to Merry you.
What did the gorilla wear when he was cooking in the kitchen?
An ape-ron
How good/bad was the Internet at the time of the Roman Emperors?
Let me put it that way: the lag was so bad it took Jesus three days just to respawn and he got disconnected soon afterwards.
Why did the American student spend his year in European brothels?
To study a broad.
How do you drown a submarine full of blonds?
You knock on the door.
“I’m totally ‘that dad’ who leaves a note in my son’s lunch box. One day I’ll actually start putting food in there also.”
- Steve Ryan.
What kind of hats does the skeleton baseball league wear?
Skullcaps.
All potato puns are pomme de terrible.
Why didn't the frog park on the side of the road?
He was afraid of getting toad.
At the baking competition in October, the chef said that he had eyes on the pies!
What’s striped and bouncy?
A tiger on a pogo stick!
What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree? Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!
I see my future like how the Americans spell colour. Without u.
My parents always told me I can be anything I wanted, the sky's the limit
This made me sad because I wanted to be an astronaut.
Why do realtors love skateboards?
Because they can flip them whenever they want!
Why did they stop giving the horse grass?
They wanted it to be less green.
Apples and oranges had a conversation one day. Guess what the apples were saying the oranges, nothing stupid, apples don’t talk.
What group of people do cops target the most?
Criminals.
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