What did one beaver say to the other at the river? Dam it.
How do you confuse a blond?
Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.
99.9% of people are idiots.
Fortunately, I belong to the 1%.
I’m going to start a YouTube channel where I critique bottled water...
It’s an untapped market.
Roses are red, bananas are yellow, wanna go out with a nice little fellow?
What planet is next to Uranus?
Poopiter.
“When Chuck Norris does yoga, the sun salutes him.” – Unknown
A blond gets in her car and notices her steering wheel, dashboard, and windshield is missing.
She calls the police and reports a theft.
When the police officer comes, he looks at the blond who is crying and and says, "Ma'am...you're sitting in the backseat..."
I love you in the mornings.
You hold me tight and ask for five more minutes.
Then when it’s time to go, you don’t let go.
I start to stress and tell you to get dressed.
Dog socks,
Slippers,
Underwear,
Athletic shorts,
Polo shirt.
You are a sight to see.
But I love you most, in the mornings.
Do you know how deeply I love you?
So deeply I don’t even need to finish this poem or even make it rhyme!
According to Newton’s law of universal gravitation, If I’m attracted to you, then you’re attracted to me.
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing—that’s why we recommend it daily.”
— Zig Ziglar
Time fries when you’re having fun!
What is a chillin' banana's favorite song?
Mellow Yellow!
You run like light. How can I get high-speed access?
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Jess.
Jess who?
Jess let me in.
What did the deer say when she met her favorite celebrity?
“I’m a big fawn of your movies!”
A new car has been launched especially for American cowboys
The Audi Partner.
What kind of car does an otter drive? A Furrari.
Why did the alphabet cross the road?
To get from Point A to Point B.
What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well dressed man on a bicycle?
Attire
What did the mitt say to the baseball?
Hey baby, you're quite a catch.
"I am dying with the help of too many physicians." — Unknown
Hey, you're pretty and I'm cute. Together we'd be pretty cute
It was pretty foggy outside today.
I shot an arrow in the air, and it stuck.
How far can a mango,
If he's got a license but doesn't avocado ?
It’s raining cats and dogs outside.
I think I just stepped in a poodle.
I figured out a way to chop onions without crying...
The trick is avoiding getting emotionally attached to the onion.
What do you call an attractive, Jewish lemon with no worldly possessions?
An aesthetic ascetic acidic Hasidic.
Her ex-husband had a heart attack after winning the lottery
But he'd neglected to update his will. She just couldn't bereave her luck!
What sound does a bouncy plane make?
Boeing.
You never realize how time flies when you are not wearing a watch on a plane.
Well, I’m definitely Madel-interested
Why isn't your daughter married? Because a gourd man is hard to find.
“Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.”
Betty White
How do fleas get from place to place?
By itch-hiking.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
What is a dentist’s favorite hymn?
Crown Him with Many Crowns
When she saw all the madness around her, March said, “what’s all that bracket”.
Are you a human? Just making sure.
Why did the Beatles stop inviting Ringo to Thanksgiving?
Because he wouldn't share the drumsticks.
How do monkeys get down the stairs?
They slide down the banana-ster.
Why are teapots so expensive?
Because they make you pour!
What's long, surprisingly bigger than expected, comes in different colors, and everyone wants a ride from?
A limousine.
What cookie makes you rich? A fortune cookie!
"When I tell my kids I'll do something in a minute, what I'm really saying is "Please forget." - @SarcasticMommy4
Could this be the trail that leads to your heart?
Do you know the easiest way to stop squirrels from playing soccer in your garden is to hide the ball? Well, it drives them nuts.
Q: What was the pharaoh's favorite football team?
A: The Mummy Dolphins
"Gardening requires lots of water - most of it in the form of perspiration."
- Lou Erickson
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