What’s an ig?
A snow house without a loo!
The only thing that is black and white and has to be red all over is a newspaper.
The main difference between a dog and a basketball player is that one dribbles while the other one drools.
Sun to Earth, on the night of 31st December:
"Let's have another round, shall we?"
Sorry, I'm octopied.
What's more amazing than a talking bat? A spelling bee!
What do you call a very rude bird?
A mockingbird!
According to Newton’s law of universal gravitation, If I’m attracted to you, then you’re attracted to me.
Dr. Frankenstein just placed an order on Amazon.
It wasn't expensive, but I imagine the shipping cost him an arm and a leg.
“I’ve got seven kids, the three words you hear most around my house are: “Hello, goodbye, and I’m pregnant”.
- Dean Martin.
When it comes to getting things done, my work ethic is like lightning.
I take the path of least resistance.
What do you call someone who owns a boat dealership?
A Sailsmen.
The best way to get back at someone is to push them in the snow; after all, revenge is a dish best served cold.
Grandma runs the kitchen like a turtle-tarian; give her some space there.
“Road Trips: Because they’re cheaper than therapy.”
Man: I can make your bed rock
Woman: No you can't I have a Tempurpedic.
Why do computers wear glasses?
To improve their web-sight.
To a deep scholar said his wife:
“Would that I were a book, my life!
On me, then, you would sometimes look.
But I should wish to be the book
That you would mostly wish to see.
Then say, what volume should I be?”
“An Almanack,” said he, “my dear;
You know we change them every year.”
(John Dryden)
What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish? Every morning you'll rise and shine!
The pecan is ready to come out of its’ shell and see the world.
What do you call someone who specializes in growing plants used in witches’ brews?
A hag-riculturist!
What is a good pick-up line an axon terminal can use on a dendrite?
"Let's connect."
I'm investigating the tooth fairy, and it's going well...
I've managed to get a molar into her operation. I'm going to find out the tooth at the root of all this.
What do you call a kangaroo DJ?
Disc joey.
“Nascar would be so much more entertaining if they threw banana peels and turtle shells.”
What do you call it when Satan steals your guacamole?
Playing Devil’s Avocado.
My son asked me what Micheal Jackson was doing in Italy
I told him he was "sight-heeheeing."
What did the artichoke say to the man eating a salad? Have a heart.
Are you a trampoline? Because I want to bounce on you.
I don't mean to brag, but I'm one of the fastest speed-readers in the tri-county area.
Some people have to stop telling meat puns, because they simply butcher every single joke.
Why do blues musicians tour the most in the summer? So they can visit all their kids.
I’ve hunted near, I’ve hunted far
I even looked inside my car.
I’ve lost my glasses, I’m in need,
To have them now so I can read.
I loudly swear and I curse
Did I leave them in my purse?
Are they behind the sofa, under the bed?
Oh there they are – on my head!
(Anne Scott)
How do trees get onto the internet? They just log on.
“When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him: ‘Whose?'” — Don Marquis
"Without ice cream, there would be darkness and chaos."
– Don Kardong
You know you’re getting old when…
People call at 9 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you?”
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Mirra.
Mirra who?
Mirra mirra on the wall, you're the fairest of them all.
“Do you wish me a good morning, or mean that it is a good morning whether I want it or not; or that you feel good this morning; or that it is a morning to be good on?”
— J.R.R. Tolkien
How do you hold a bat?
By the wings.
Why did the banana go to the Doctor? Because it was not peeling well
“Moist groaned. It was the crack of seven and he was allergic to the concept of two seven o’clocks in one day.”
— Terry Pratchett
You set my heart bonfire.
Why did god invent men? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn
“The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.”
Joan Rivers
Programmer.
A person who fixed a problem that you don't know you have, in a way you don't understand.
A tutor who taught on the flute,
tried to teach two young tooters to toot.
Said the two to the tutor,
"Is it harder to toot or,
to tutor two tooters to toot?"
What do you do when you try to bake a cherry pie for the first time and it doesn't turn out so well? Just wait for the second bite of the cherry.
What do math and history have in common?
They both teach people about inequalities.
What would you call a vampire who is into finance?
Account Dracula.
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