The ocean is big,
And also it is pretty,
Pretty freakin' wet.
What happened when the koala tripped and fell in a crowded restaurant? He got embearassed.
What did the vegetable say at the party?
Lettuce turnip the beet!
Do you know hop? Because your body is really kickin'.
It’s so hot I’m sweating like a politician on election day.
Why do the pants of pilgrims keep falling down? Because their belt buckles are on their hats!
Scissors sizzle, thistles sizzle.
An electrocuted turtle feels shell-shocked.
What kind of fish do you catch with Gummy Worms?
Swedish Fish.
The most notorious one of all pirates was very sad. It may have been because he was Bluebeard!
Woah! You look like I need a drink.
Do you have a Band-Aid? Because I just scraped my knee falling for you.
What is a wolf’s favorite time of the year?
The howl-o-days.
What it is it called if you refuse to go running today?
Resistance Training!
Your name must be Coca Cola, because you're so-da-licious.
“The turkey is dilated to 3.5 inches, stuffing is crowning, time to eat everybody!”
That’s what happens at Thanksgiving when your mom is an obstetrician.
I’m thinking about buying a new phone because this crappy one doesn’t have your number in it.
What did the ice-cream say to the unhappy birthday cake? "What's eating you?"
Why did the computer leave the restroom crying?
It said, "it hurts when IP."
“Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath, and hope we’ve set aside enough money to pay for our kids’ therapy.”
—Michelle Pfeiffer
Why did the ice cream truck break down?
There was a rocky road.
I know a guy who had both arms amputated from elbow to shoulder.
He is always serious and never humerus.
I was surprised when I saw a man get struck by lightning.
The man was shocked as well.
Baby, you’re hotter than Rome under Nero.
“The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing – and then marry him.” — Cher
I have a pogo stick made out of vegetables. It’s a spring onion.
It’s raining cats and dogs today - I just hope it doesn’t rain deer!
Although he seems happy and bright, the jack-o-lantern was so sad on Halloween because he’s hollow inside.
What did the ear of corn say when all of its clothes fell off?
Awe shucks!
What type of flooring do alligators have in their homes?
Rep-tiles.
How was the snow globe feeling after the storm?
A little shaken
How do you get a man to have the best orgasm possible?
Who cares?
Son: "Dad, what's the difference between confident and confidential?"
Dad: "Hmmm. Well, you are my son. Of that I am confident. Your friend Timmy is also my son. That's confidential."
What’s the best thing you can put in a halloween cookie? Your teeth.
What did the girl say before making a big decision?
‘Do not pressure me.’
What do you call a snake who works for the government?
A civil serpent.
Did you hear about the guy who opened up a store where they only sell Swiss cheese?
It’s a hole business strategy.
Baby, I would trade the entire candy bar in the world for you.
What did the egg say to the boiling water?
I might have some trouble getting hard, I just got laid this morning!
I know an old man who's a vampire. He's quite long in the tooth.
Wait a minute something’s wrong,
Something is missing in your name!
Oh, I know exactly what it is,
Our last name is not yet the same!
Would you mind watching my pet parrot while I’m out, as long as it’s not too much of a birden?
Which fish can perform operations?
A Sturgeon.
Girl, you give me the butterflies.
Writers have great climaxes.
"Straight ahead for a bit then there's a sharp left, so take it slowly." I said.
"The screen is for MY benefit, Mr. Anderson," said the doctor, "and this isn't my first colonoscopy."
I love almond milk. It’s unlike any udder nut milk.
I thought about studying the astronomy for my university. But then I thought, I would just be taking up space.
Why is the corn army so dysfunctional?
Cause there are too many Kernels.
[Bundled Up Guy] This is what you call man coverage.
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