There's snow place like the mountains in winter.
"The pursuit of happiness" means it's cool to hit on you, right?
There was an Old Man of Marseilles,
Whose daughters wore bottle-green veils;
They caught several Fish,
Which they put in a dish,
And sent to their Pa' at Marseilles.
"Remember, the second most important thing to choosing the right shoe is choosing the left one."
Unknown
Hold still, there's a mosquito on your a$$.
There was an Old Man of the West,
Who never could get any rest;
So they set him to spin
On his nose and chin,
Which cured that Old Man of the West.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I can’t rhyme,
Banana
So, what do you do with an epileptic watermelon? Simple, you make a seizure salad.
I asked my musician friend if he plays by ear.
He said, "Yes, it's a violin. That is how you hold it."
I like you cherry much.
Ingenious iguanas improvising an intricate impromptu on impossibly-impractical instruments.
There was a young fellow named Clyde,
who fell in an outhouse and died.
Along came his brother,
and fell in another,
and now they're interred side by side.
Why were the kids throwing flour and bread at their school? They wanted to rise to the occasion.
What did the little mountain say to the big mountain? Hi Cliff! Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward. That's just how I roll.
What do you call an alligator who is wearing crocs on his feet?
A traitor.
Why did the basketball player sign up for a crafting class?
He wanted to learn how to make baskets.
Remember when nearly sixteen,
On your very first date as a teen.
At the movies? If yes,
Then I bet you can't guess,
What was shown on the cinema screen.
What did the turkey say to the man who tried to shoot it? Liberty, Equality and Bad aim for all.
What happened when the guitars got in a fight?
They got in treble.
Though my brother won the art competition, he went up to his rival and gave him the credit where it was hue!
Aside from being single, what do you do for a living?
Apparently you can get the Corona virus if your eye touches someone else's eye.
I guess it's a good thing I refuse to make eye contact.
Why are volcanos so nice?
They lava you.
What did one tectonic plate say to the other when they bumped into each other?
Sorry, that was my fault.
What kind of seal do you get on letters from Turkey?
A stamped bull.
Hi, I’m writing a phone book, can I have your number?
An angry fruit yells at traffic in front of them
“Mango!”
Have you heard about a man who became a werewolf?
He was distressed at first, but then he took a lycan to it.
What do you call an alligator that sneaks up and bites you from behind?
A tail-gator.
Why do leaves change color in the fall? Because they want to leaf their old color.
How are a car and a bicycle similar?
“You can’t make watermelon juice out of either of them.”
Which tool does a peach biologist often use for its experiment? – A peachtree dish (Petri dish).
What do you call a snowman that tells tall tales?
A snow-fake!
Why couldn't the cowboy get down from his horse?
Because you can only get down from a goose.
I like telling fart jokes.
They are tough to hold in.
What do you get when you cross a vampire bat and a computer?
Love at first byte.
“My favorite animal is steak."
- Fran Lebowitz
The inventor of mosquito repellent likely did not know where to begin...
I guess he would have to start from scratch.
And speaking of meloncholy, I heard that’s what you get when you cross a watermelon and broccoli.
What’s green and hangs from trees?
Giraffe snot.
How do you sink a submarine full of blondes? Knock on the door.
How does the sun say hi to the moon?
With a heat wave!
What’s green and has wheels?
Grass, I lied about the wheels.
What did the jack-o-lantern say to the psychologist? I'm hollow inside.
Are you a supermarket sample? Because I don’t want to be ashamed of tasting you over and again.
Do you know what rhymes with cucumber?
Can I get your phone number?
What type of tool does a prehistoric reptile carpenter use? A dino-saw. Who makes the best prehistoric reptile clothes ? A dino-sewer.
Writers are cold because they’re surrounded by drafts.
What do you call a nut that is crazy about exercise? A health nut.
My son must have been relieved to have finally been born.
He looked like he was running out of womb in there.
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