What did the plate say to the refrigerator?
"Stay cool. Dinner's on me"
How do two cherries make up after an argument? They cherry the hatchet.
I saw a squirrel throw up today! It was nuts!
What do you call a holy squirrel?
A chipmunk.
Why didn't the drunk Mexican druglord find the Bacon Tree? Because he walked into a Ham Bush!
Is it solipsistic in here?
Or is it just me?
A tree's limbs fell off in a storm, now it's an amputree.
An ig is just a snow house without a loo!
Which tool does a peach biologist often use for its experiment? – A peachtree dish (Petri dish).
What do you call clean music?
A soap opera!
An actor I know fell through the floor recently. It's just a stage he was going through.
"We don’t grow older, we grow riper." - Pablo Picasso
“Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.”
Jim Carrey
What do you call an island populated entirely by cupcakes?
Desserted
I was worried you’d just be a pretty face, but Olivia looks real good to me
"Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory"- Albert Schweitzer
Is that a fugue I can hear? Because we’re about to get entangled
I had an art contest with my friend.
It ended in a draw.
"Marriage is like pantyhose. It all depends on what you put into it." — Phyllis Schlafly
I had no one to help me when my computer and phone mutinied
I was left to my own devices.
Has anyone else's gardening skills improved during this quarantine like mine have?
I planted myself on the sofa at the beginning of April and I've grown bigger ever since.
Who is the perfect husband? One who keeps his mouth shut and his checkbook open.
What do Chinese bears wear over their faces when they’re robbing banks?
Pandanas!
Despite the pun being so orange-inal, it wasn’t all that funny.
Would you call a hardy unicorn that survived disease an immunicorn?
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
What did the rabbit say to its wife? No bunny compares to you.
All dressed up and nowhere to grow.
The cat’s out of the bag – I love you purry much.
What do you call a baby potato? Small fry.
I was just looking at my ceiling. I am not sure if it’s the best ceiling in the world, but it’s definitely up there.
Pick-up line: You might as well play be a tennis player, because I’m about to court you girl.
Flowers like our minds, open at the right time. Mine has opened to receive your love.
Did you hear that famous blonde haired actress has been stabbed? She's called Reese, Erm...
Witherspoon?
No, with a knife.
What do you call a stolen yam? A hot potato.
Why are alligators long and green?
Because if they were small and red, they would be tomatoes.
I used to make extra money by selling illegal tennis equipment on the side, but I was approached by some thugs who told me to stop.
I guess they control the Tennis Racket around here.
My entire family keeps asking why I’m still single. Want to help me change that?
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
Follow the fresh prints.
Here comes the sun of my life
Your name must be Calculus Homework, because I have no interest in doing you.
A truck with an entire load of strawberries has crashed on the motorway. It's caused a real traffic jam.
She was wheeled to the operating room, but then she underwent a change of heart.
Did you hear about the ghoul who had eight arms?
He was very handy!
What do you get if you cross a trumpet and a serpent?
A snake in the brass.
Two metal workers got married....
It was a beautiful welding.
Finally, the soccer ball decided to quit the team. The reason behind its move was that it was tied of being kicked around.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I'm wearing my mask
why aren't you?
Someone took all my straw
What a Hay-nous act!
What do you call a Pharaoh who has road rage?
Tootin' car man.
“I won’t be impressed with technology until I can download food.”
― Unknown
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