“Don’t believe everything fortune cookies tell you. Just because they’re sweet doesn’t mean they’re right.”
― Unknown
How can you tell a wine taster is a newbie?
By the blanc look on her face.
Are you sitting on a candle? Because your booty is on fire.
My wife bought me a scalp massager for Christmas, but I couldn't figure out what it was.
Turns out it was a real head scratcher.
Q. What do they call the gorilla marathon runner who only wins when it's pouring outdoors?
A. The raining chimp-ion.
Why was the realtor upset with his truck driver client one day?
The client wanted a house with really long haul ways.
I was sailing my boat when a massive hand rose out of the water and then slowly disappeared...
I thought, 'That's the biggest wave I've ever seen!'
When you walk into the bathroom...
Urine there.
What did the cake say to the fork? you want a piece of me?
At the end of the physics lecture, I asked my professor, “What happened before The Big Bang?”
He said, “Sorry. There is no time.”
“I need a vacation so long, I forget all my passwords!”
What did the artist tell his greatest nemesis? I challenge you to a doodle!
I went fly-fishing yesterday.
All I caught was two bluebottles.
“There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage” — James Holt McGavran
Why did the chicken run across the road?
To get to the other side faster.
What do you get when a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn?
An eggroll.
“Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?”
– Peg Bracken
What party game do rabbits like to play?
Musical Hares!
Pumpkin Spice season is finally here, better latte than never.
A hard thing about a business is minding your own.
You must be French, because you're looking really Nice tonight.
My mom is a metalurgist
I asked her the other day: "Which metal do you prefer to work with? Gold or silver?"
She said: "Either ore."
There was an Old Man with a owl,
Who continued to bother and howl;
He sat on a rail
And imbibed bitter ale,
Which refreshed that Old Man and his owl.
My dear, I’ve got some important news,
Please know it’s nothing bad,
But today I had to X-ray my head,
And your picture is all it had!
The cat’s out of the bag – I love you purry much.
Let's play a game called TV, I turn your knobs and you watch my antennae rise.
Are you bad WiFi?
Because I'm feeling no connection here.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
Why didn't the 11 year old go to the pirate movie? because it was rated arrrrr!
I went to see the Liberty Bell the other day.
It’s not all it’s cracked up to be.
My dog takes so long to get ready. He can never chews what to wear.
It’s the most wonderful time for a beer.
What’s the difference between a clitoris and a golf ball?
A man will actually look for a golf ball.
Are you a campfire? Cause you are hot and I want s’more.
It's so cold that lawyers have their hands in their own pockets.
My son told me he can drink a whole glass a whiskey straight.
Personally, I think it's neat.
What did the angry witch do after sitting on her broomstick?
She flew off the handle.
I’m diagnosing you to see if you’d make a good boyfriend.
“The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.” — Oscar Wilde
Hey baby, are you the Earth? Because all things are attracted to you...
I’m a raindrop and I’m falling for you.
What is a doctor's favorite element?
Healium.
What did the femur say to the patella? I kneed you.
What does a spy do in the rain?
He goes undercover.
Why did the little boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
Because he heard there were sleeping pills in there.
Why can't Vikings fans eat cereal? Because they choke before they ever reach the bowl.
“It snowed last year too: I made a snowman and my brother knocked it down and I knocked my brother down and then we had tea.”
– Dylan Thomas
What was the most popular dance move in the colonies in 1776?
Indepen-dance.
It doesn't matter if my wife tells me Im not mature
Im not going to let her enter my tree house without the right password.
What's the difference between a knife and an argument with a man?
The knife has a point.
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