If I put dull-tasting food in a bowl, will it have a bowlder taste?
Who is the worm's Prime Minister? Maggot Thatcher.
My executive assistant has long hair.
I call him my mane man.
I need more than 140 characters to tell you how beautiful you are.
What do you call a turtle who takes up photography?
A snapping turtle.
"People drink on cruises so that they think the swaying is normal."
“Old” is when the porn movie you bring home is “Debby Does Dialysis.”
Their engagement is yet to be made offishell.
You don't need an international ticket to get duty free with me.
Girl you must have swallowed a speaker, cause your beauty is louder than the rest
I'm pine-ing for you.
There was an Old Man of Corfu,
Who never knew what he should do;
So he rushed up and down,
Till the sun made him brown,
That bewildered Old Man of Corfu.
Just landed in Rome, Italy. My pilot used to be a Franciscan Monk...
...But now he's an Air Friar.
What do call a guitar player without a girlfriend?
Homeless.
Water you doing on [date]?
My girlfriend really changed after she became vegan
It’s like I’ve never seen herbivore.
What is a bunch of crows gathering money called? Crow funding.
My glasses fogged up once I came out of the AC room last summer, but I was okay because I was opti-mistic.
Eat, drink and be rosemary.
What do you call an alligator who kills bugs all day long?
A fumigator.
I've started a new band called "Blanket".
We're a cover band
A priest, a rabbit and a deacon walk into a blood bank.
"I think I might be a type o." said the rabbit.
SIBLING PUNS
Who’s the pimple’s favorite sibling?
His cyst-er.
Will you be the Flin to my Flon?
What is a skeleton’s favorite TV show?
Bone-anza!
I see my future like how the Americans spell colour. Without u.
It’s never great taking a truck driver to the cinema to watch a film. They only really like the trailers.
What falls in the winter but never gets hurt?
Snow.
The lager you wait, the better it tastes.
“How is it possible to have a civil war?”
George Carlin
"I'm so conflicted when my husband does the laundry. On one hand, he did the laundry. On the other, my clothes can now be sold at Gap Kids." - Molly McNearney
What does a cheese say when they look in the mirror in the morning?
Halloumi.
Where do players hide their marijuana?
Between the stash marks.
During the pandemic, all the children asked to draw pictures of the different types of grass. The children had to submit their grass-essments online.
Do you know what would happen when you throw a Finnish sailor into the ocean?
Helsinki.
This can of deodorant said it "Lasts 24 hours"...
So the next day I bought another can.
How did the realtor compliment his wife?
He said, “Real estate values will go up and down, but you will remain beautiful forever.”
I was blinded by your beauty...
I’m going to need your name and phone number for insurance purposes.
What’s Thanos’ favorite app to talk to friends?
Snap chat.
Did you hear about the monster with five legs? His trousers fit him like a glove.
I auditioned to be a carpenter’s hand.
Nailed it.
Most of the fruits usually drink their juice with a straw-berry.
I know I’m not supposed to judge a book by its cover, but one glance at you and I’m already interested.
A truck with an entire load of strawberries has crashed on the motorway. It's caused a real traffic jam.
What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?
French onion soup.
Child’s Death Ruins Couple’s Holiday
What happens when a duck flies upside down?
It quacks up
Two blondes are walking down the road when one says "Look at that dog with one eye!"
The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says "Where?"
What happened when Frankenstein’s monster first met his girlfriend?
It was love at first fright.
Did you hear about the flower who never bloomed?
It was a bud omen.
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