“The most delightful advantage of being bald—one can hear snowflakes.”
– R. G. Daniels
Which nut has won the World Cup the most times?
A Brazil nut.
What happens when you cross a cell phone with a skunk?
You get stinky service!
“Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.” —Redd Fox
Why did the hamburger dress up as a computer? Because he wanted to be a Big Mac.
I just texted my girlfriend Ruth and told her that it's over between us.
I'm Ruthless.
What’s the difference between England’s football team and a tea bag
A tea bag stays longer in the cup.
It is not really much about how you bowl, but instead how you roll.
What goes dot-dot-croak, dot-dash-croak?
Morse toad.
It's so cold that our words froze in midair — we had to put them in a frying pan to thaw them so we could hear what we were talking about.
What do you get when you cross a goblin and cheese? Muenster cheese.
Q. What do biologists call an insane stag that's out running amok?
A. Deer-ranged.
What is considered the tallest building in the world?
The library, because it has so many stories.
“Never underestimate a child’s ability to get into more trouble.”
- Martin Mull.
What do you call an elf that joins the 11 other elves in Santa’s workshop?
The twelf!
What type of pool do mechanics like best?
The car pool!
Baking and Fire Safety can go hand-in-hand.
Stop, drop and roll
“I feel very blessed to have two wonderful, healthy children who keep me completely grounded, sane, and throw up on my shoes just before I go to an awards show just so I know to keep it real.”
- Reese Witherspoon.
How do you spot a radical baker?
They’re always going against the grain.
Want to show me how to make steamy greens?
Who is a snake’s favorite author?
William Snakespeare.
Which search engine is popular amongst mice? Ask Cheese.
What do you call security guards working outside Samsung shops? Guardians of the Galaxy.
"Put Up With Me"
I'm glad that you're my mother,
kind and caring and strong.
Coz surely no-one else,
Could have put up with me this long!
– Holly Giffers
What do you call ten Arctic hares hopping backwards through the snow together?
A receding hare line.
"I’m at that age where my back goes out more than I do." - Phyllis Diller
That girl must be a premature contraction as she makes my heart skip a beat.
Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?
What do you call a deer that can write with both hands?
Bambi-dextrous.
Got a pet zebra, didn’t realise how hungry they are. He eats like a horse.
"Parenthood: That state of being better chaperoned than you were before marriage." – Marcelene Cox
“Swiss cheese differs from Camembert by better ventilation.”
― Unknown
In Quebec they used to practise throwing the puck in the zone, and then
sitting back to wait for a turnover. But eventually the players were
criticized for this dump-and-chaise tactic.
I know a fun activity that can burn 500 calories an hour...
I only like smooth leather
and my opinion will never be suede.
Crooked teeth are criminal!
Luckily a few years behind bars usually straightens them out.
Are you a booger? Because I want to pick you first.
The density of this concrete leads me to believe one thing: it is a hard court.
I can't stand Greek salads.
I like un-feta'd access to my greens.
What do you call a person really crazy about the moon
A lunatic.
I ate the exam paper
Which means that sooner or later I will pass the test
Why didn’t the two algae ever have se*?
Because they had a planktonic relationship
Why did the River go to the doctor? Her flow wouldn't stop.
Why didn't the medieval farmers harvest flowers to make tea?
It would have been an exercise in feudal-lily-tea.
My love for you is like dividing by zero… It can’t be defined!
Six sleek swans swam swiftly southwards.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
You look for Fresh Prints!
If I were a stop light, I would always turn red each time you pass by. In that way, I could stare at you longer.
What does a cheese say when they look in the mirror in the morning?
Halloumi.
“A bargain is something you can’t use at a price you can’t resist.”- Franklin Jones.
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