What did the Dalmatian say when he finished his meal?
That really hit the spot.
My Grandad always said, “As one door closes, another one opens.”
Lovely man, terrible cabinet maker.
What did the banana do when he saw a monkey? The banana split!
"I'd like to connect with nature but there's no USB port" - Dan Masso
A spider saw a car he liked at the dealership and decided to take it out for a spin.
I was born in the wild but for you I would be domesticated.
What is a cactus’ favorite MC Hammer song?
Can’t touch this.
What do you call a group of rabbits walking backwards?
A receding hareline
Why did you fall in love with the Paris art museum? It was just Louvre at first site.
Someone who eats bananas must like them a whole bunch.
I used to go out with a homeless girl, like you. It was great. I could drop her off anywhere.
Who put the Howl in Halloween?
Not ghouls just the people they ate!
What do you get when you cross a sloth and a Scottish rock band? Slow Patrol.
Of course Napolean did not design the coat that he was wearing but we all knew that he had his hand on it.
What do they play at the beginning of a car movie?
The trailer.
What did the electrician use to moisturise his hair?
Air conditioner.
The baby beaver sang a song about the river in a video for his friends. He had a good flow.
What did the elf tell its friends when they were traveling?
"Let’s take an elfie."
What do you get when you spell gibberish backwards?
Gibberish.
A robot is eating a hard drive for lunch.
The robot's friend asks for a bite and the robot says "Sure, but just a small bite." His friend takes a bite and the robot shouts, "Hey! That's a megabyte!"
Where do werewolf go if their tails fall off?
A re-tail store.
If coloured caterpillars could change their colours constantly could they keep their coloured coat coloured properly?
"I miss crawling into a man’s arm, kissing his neck, saying those three little words into his ear, 'And another thing ...'” — Felicia Michaels
"A survey says that American workers work the first three hours every day just to pay their taxes. So that's why we can't get anything done in the morning: We're government workers."
— Jay Leno
What's the opposite of an elephant?
An eleph-antonym.
A parishioner at my church broke into the holy water tank and splashed some on his infant daughter, saying, "your are hereby baptized!"
That's just not rite.
“Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.”
Will Rogers
If you had eleven roses and you looked in the morror; then you'd see twelve of the most beatiful things in the world.
How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Only 2. They'll fit.
A wise man will know
finding a worm in a pear…
better than half worm
(Jan Allison)
What did the brick road say on thanksgiving?
Cobble cobble cobble!
What kind of socks do you need to plant cayenne pepper? Garden hose!
“It’s like you trade the virility of the body for the agility of the spirit.” – Elizabeth Lesser
The bartender told the ghost they don't serve spirits after midnight.
What Twix do you have up your sleeve that makes me love you?
Pete's pa pete poked to the pea patch to pick a peck of peas for the poor pink pig in the pine hole pig-pen.
Why do blind people hate diving?
It scares the hell out of their dogs.
Did you see the movie about the hot dog? It was an Oscar Wiener.
Homeless man attacks kid with a knife
Don’t worry the kid was fine. He had a knife.
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Kanga.
Kanga who?
Actually, it’s kangaroo.
What is a defensive football players favorite dessert?
Apple Turnover.
What do you say if someone steps on a banana peel? Well I guess he didn't find that appealing!
What is the hippest kind of fruit? A bae-nae-nae.
his morning my son said his ear hurt and I asked : on the inside or outside?
So he walks out the front door, comes back in and says "Both."
Is your nickname Mercury? Cause you look habitable.
A hard thing about a business is minding your own.
When I first saw you I looked for a signature, because every masterpiece has one.
Did you hear about the elf who was a little hard of hearing?
She had to keep saying "Sleigh, what?"
Why did the guy decide not to donate a dime to any charity raising funds for a marathon?
Because they just take the money and run.
What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat minor.
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