Why would a horse make a good president?
They know how to lead.
Is there a wormhole that will always take me directly to where you are?
What vegetable lives in your heart?
Beets.
Did you hear about the flower who gave an ultimatum to her husband?
She told him once and floral.
Hold still, there's a mosquito on your a$$.
Hey baby, are you made up of dark matter? Because you’re indescribable.
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One thing you never want to do is divorce a butcher.
That would be a huge missed steak.
Why should you never trust a train? They have loco motives.
What did the farmer say when someone complimented him on his corn harvest?
Aww, shucks!
What did the eye witness say about the camel who was using the bushes as a lavatory?
I saw the hump take a dump in a clump
Q: Why did the little clouds idolize the big cloud?
A: Because he was the raining champion.
My mum made a chocolate bar out of peas. I asked if she could snap a peas off for me.
Man: What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
Woman: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.
Do you carrot all for me?
My heart beets for you,
With your turnip nose
And your radish face,
You are a peach.
If we cantaloupe,
Lettuce marry:
Weed make a swell pear.
What do you call an 80s synth pop band with a scoop of ice cream? Depeche a la Mode.
I used Brylcreem this morning to slick back my hair like my father used to do. My wife asked me what I was doing.
I said, "I'm having a dad hair day."
“If hard work is the key to success, most people would rather pick the lock.” — Claude McDonald
I got shampoo in my eyes while showering today.
My husband said, "That must've been an eye-soapening experience."
What do you get when you plant a Donut?
A pastree.
What is Halloween's favorite medicine?
Any brand of coffin cold.
American cherries generally do pretty well at high school. Many of them end up on the cherryleading squad.
What did the gangster say to Julius Cesar?
If I had a nickel for every time my wife says that I spend money on frivolous things, I would have enough money to buy miniature golf clubs for my shower caddy.
Bob Monkhouse
“It’s been a tough week. I bought myself a memory foam mattress and now it’s trying to blackmail me.”
Who is the Easter Bunny’s favorite movie actor? Rabbit De Niro!
What do you call an onion that keeps on jumping up and down? You call it a spring onion!
I was she-shocked when my pet turtle died.
"Here for the right riesling."
There once was a lovely young witch,
Who never wore a single stitch;
One Halloween night,
She gave quite a fright,
To some hags who had gathered in a ditch.
Why are ghouls so healthy?
They always eat fresh food!
What do witches put on their bagels?
Scream cheese.
So engineering school is really hard.
I'm not doing so hot in thermodynamics.
I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet
I asked my 15 brothers and sisters and they didn’t know either.
What's green and hangs from trees? Dinosaur snot.
If there were ten cats in a boat and one jumped out, how many would be left? None, because they were all copycats!
Did you hear about one flower who went on a date with another flower?
It’s a budding romance.
What does a flower say when they’re offering you a job?
Take it or leaf it.
Did you hear about the flower who was struck in a hit and run?
She was leafed for dead.
Strawberries love delicious food. Their favorite is Jam-balaya.
The pancake thought he was the best breakfast food because nobody stacked up to him.
“Taurus: Lazy rule number 39: Can't reach it, don't need it.”
What did the shark say to the whale?
What are you blubbering about?
Why did the geologist go on a date to the quarry?
He wanted to be a little boulder.
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time… I was shocked.”
What did the apple teacher say to her student? Help me orange the chairs please!
Sorry to bother you, I think I dropped my heart here. Can you pick it up?
Do you play the guitar? Because you can touch strings of my heart
Were you raised in captivity? Because you captured my heart.
Amelia, I’d love to share Ameal-with-ya
What is a sharks favorite kinda sandwich?
Peanut butter and jellyfish!
“I’ve had entire relationships that didn’t get as far as these airport security checkpoints.”
— Michael LeRoux
Can I be Candide with you?
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