What did the WiFi router say when it was unplugged?
"Tell my wifi love her
Apple is announcing a new cell phone for children.
iKid you not.
Brother: "I saw a seahorse scuba diving"
Dad: "Wow that's amazing, I didn't realise they had the technology."
My son is a man trapped in a woman’s body..
He’ll be born in March.
Why do medieval ghosts refuse to stop at McDonald's?
They prefer Wight Castle.
You are beryllium, gold, and titanium all rolled into one. Simply BeAuTi-ful.
You've stolen a pizza my heart.
I've fallen in love with a pencil and we're getting married.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.
What do leprechauns love to barbecue? Short ribs!
“A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.” —Dave Barry
I rushed to my local hospital only to find that it had been converted into a library
Talk about having to suffer in silence
Q: How do mummies hide?
A: They use masking tape
How many elves does it take to change a light bulb?
Ten! One to change the light bulb and nine to stand on each other's shoulders!
I bought a pack of those animal shaped biscuits,
but had to take them back as the seal was broken.
I always hate having to unblock the toilet.
I’m never quite ready to take the plunge.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Icy.
Icy who?
You see me, do you need glasses or something?
If you go out with me, I promise I won’t take you for granite.
What happens when two snails get into a fight? They slug it out!
Do you want to be my lab partner? I think we could have some great chemistry together.
"I am not the type who wants to go back to the land; I am the type who wants to go back to the hotel."
- Fran Lebowitz
"The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back."
Franklin Jones
What do you call it when someone hits avocados repeatedly with a hammer?
Gu-whack-a-mole-e.
My nerdy friend just got a PhD on the history of palindromes.
We now call him Dr. Awkward.
Why did the tiger eat the tightrope walker?
It wanted a balanced diet.
Hey baby, are you a cloud server?
Because I have something to upload from my hard drive.
I've decided to marry a pencil.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B!
Julius Caesar
But Julius is too shy to talk to her
Clean clams crammed in clean cans.
Why did the skeleton go to the hospital?
To have his ghoul bladder removed.
So, if I heat my solid state hard drive until it becomes a gaseous state hard drive
Would that mean I'm doing cloud computing?
Putting on makeup and putting on glasses serve the same purpose...
They make the person look better!
The calm before the score
How do you circumcise a whale?
You send down four skin divers.
What’s the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
Girl holding bowl colorful variety game indoor.
Strawberries are the most bullied of the fruits.
They're always getting picked on.
Is an argument between two vegans, still called a beef?
What do you feed the son of god? Cheeses of Nazareth.
There was a Young Lady of Lucca,
Whose lovers completely forsook her;
She ran up a tree,
And said, 'Fiddle-de-dee!'
Which embarassed the people of Lucca.
What do you call an Irish gem that’s a fake?
A sham rock.
Yet again, someone has added more soil to my allotment. The plot thickens…
I was thinking about using a mushroom to poison someone. My morel stopped me.
“The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.” — Oscar Wilde
Tim Vine
grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance waiting for the bathroom.
Which lawn decorations move around from yard to yard?
Gnomads.
Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
because it felt crumby.
The only problem with golf is...
The slow groups are always in front of you and the fast groups are always behind you.
The reason the mountains are hill areas joke gets reposted so often is because it's peak comedy
What do you get when you combine a kangaroo with a donkey?
A Kick-Ass
Did Rudolph go to school?
No, he was elf taught!
Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.
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