I don't understand why people get attacked by sharks.
Can't they hear the music?
Snow thank you.
“God put me on this Earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now, I am so far behind I will never die."
~ Bill Watterson
You know you're getting old when your wife says, "Honey, lets run upstairs and make love,"
and you answer, "I can't do both."
“Went to Disneyland because my daughter’s obsessed with Mickey Mouse. She was so excited when I got home and told her.”
- Ryan Reynolds.
Is your name Google? Because you've got everything I'm searching for.
What did one sea monster say to the other sea monster when they started their new jobs as sewer inspectors?
- It’s going to be a Nessie job, but let’s get Kraken!
I was sitting there quietly, eating a bag of potato chips, when my wife came in and shouted at me…
''What's wrong with you, moron!?''
Shocked, I asked, ''What?!''
''Open the bloody bag!''
What do you call a funny bone?
A humerus.
"Hi, I'm Buzz Aldrin. Second person to step on the moon.
Neil before me."
How does a potato win at Street Fighter? By mashing the kick button.
Lots of peas work as spies. Espea-onage is very common.
I've always considered mountain plateaus to be the highest forms of flattery.
I’m positive I just lost an electron.
Better keep an ion that.
“Archeologists 10,000 years from now will believe this was a sacred feast where gravy boats were worshipped.” —@WilliamAder
An astronaut broke up with his girlfriend
Apparently he didn't love her to the moon and back.
Somebody was doing a speech and said, "This might be corny," and pulled out a couple of canned corns. Guess what happened next?
Total pundemonium.
Did you hear about the computer virus that was programmed by a cat?
It's considered meowware!
On Halloween night I will strut
Dressed like Jabba the Hut
Many sweets I will eat
As it is trick or treat
And double the size of my butt
What's a Koalas favorite drink? Coca Koala!
Why are lemons safer than limes?
There’s no such thing as lemon’s disease.
The unluckiest berry in the group is the one that drew the short straw-berry.
How many chefs does it take to stuff a Thanksgiving turkey?
Only one and even then it’s a pretty tight squeeze!
My band only plays dog whistles.
You've probably never heard us.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Gorilla!
Gorilla who?
Gorilla burger! I've got the buns!
Q. Why was the gorilla's jungle party so lame?
A. Because theyran out of chimps and dip.
There is one commonality between a magician and a soccer player. They both do hat tricks.
Baby are you an angel? Because I'm a atheist.
Why are acorns bad at telling jokes? Because they tend to be acorn-y.
“I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.”
- John Lyon.
I used to live in in Aragon, in Spain.
Then I left.
I'm Aragone.
One-one was a race horse.
Two-two was one too.
One-one won one race.
Two-two won one too.
What did the dolphin say when it broke its neighbor’s window?
It wasn’t on porpoise!
I put some bread in the toaster this morning, but it never popped up again
I think it might be comatoast.
What do you call a crocodile that likes to bowl?
An alley-gator!
Baby I'm gonna teach you what love's all about tonight
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
Q: What does a tiger call an antelope?
A: Fast food.
“It’s Thanksgiving, and we should not want to be together, together!” —Rachel Green, Friends
People with a cold - "I just want to stay in bed and do nothing, I feel terrible."
People with Corona Virus - "I feel terrible, I think I will go skiing in Austria, visit the Eiffel Tower and maybe do some white water rafting in Camino de Santiago."
What is a skeletons favorite meal?
Anything with Ribs.
“If you had to identify in one word the reason why the human race has not achieved and never will achieve its full potential, that word would be ‘meetings.” – Dave Barry
My blender is a bit forgetfull. It keep breaking the ice with me.
That mask is becoming on you. If it were me, I’d be coming too.
My new toaster oven is a huge improvement for making lunch.
I used to eat unappetizing sandwiches but I quit cold turkey.
When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.
Did you hear about the new WiFi connected chef's knife?
It's cutting-edge technology.
What do you call memory loss in a parrot?
Polynesia
What’s the best part of the cell, next to the cytoplasm? The nucle-US.
“When Chuck Norris does yoga, the sun salutes him.” – Unknown
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