We’ve all heard of the mushroom who gets invited to the party cause he’s a fungi, but what about the mushroom who stole all the halloween candy?
He had no morrels.
My wife said she saved $5 by not taking a bus and walking home
I said, you could've saved a $20 by not taking a cab instead
Nathan compares to you
Someone said, "sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me."
So I through a dictionary at them.
You are un-beer-lievable!
What do you call hell for potheads?
Canabyss.
How do you describe an onion which is in its early stages after birth? You say it is in its onion-ic period of its life.
What does a English turkey say to another English turkey on Thanksgiving morning?
"To be roasted or not to be roasted, that is the question."
When my cat sleeps, he snoozes
Inside the laundry basket,
Or on top of a tree,
Crammed inside a shelf,
Where no-one can see.
In empty shopping bags,
And cartons made of cardboard,
On piles of books and newspapers,
And suitcases that are stored.
Curled up under furniture,
In places we’d never think to look.
Or nestled behind a flower pot,
In a hard to find nook.
Since my cat sleeps for at least sixteen hours each day
He must be bored of sleeping in the same old way!
(Santhini Govindan)
What did the baby goat say to his father?
I kid you not.
Watson: Holmes, What kind of rock is this?
Holmes: Sedimentary, my dear Watson.
If you get married out on sea or in a boat...
is that a row-mance?
Well… I gotta de-Clara, I think I’ve just fallen in love.
Some peas rolled off my plate, and one went far further than the rest. He was the cham-pea-on.
What would you call a singer who's really scared of medusa?
A rockstar.
Would you like to come to my place and light my Yule log?
What do penguins drink during the summer?
Iced tea.
My fridge stopped working...
Its not cool.
I was going to smoke a turkey this Thanksgiving.
But they banned flavored vapes.
“In fifty years, he never worked a day. To him, nine to five was odds on a horse."
~ Archie Bunker
I think therefore I yam.
We should train together, I've heard it's good for bone density.
Sunshine on a Woman's Day?
Broad-day light.
Where is a basketball player's favorite place to eat?
Dunkin' Donuts
What did the pineapple say to the pineapple chunk? Stay golden.
A lot of William Shakespeare’s plays were based off of old Greek and Roman performances
That's playgarism if you ask me.
Being a soprano is a great opera tunity.
If fish lived on land, in which country would they live? Finland.
“Parents must get across the idea that “I love you always, but sometimes I do not love your behavior.”—Amy Vanderbilt
Why did the kraken eat 5 ships that were carrying potatoes?
Because nobody can eat just one potato ship.
Oof – is the Erin here really fresh or is that just you?
Do you know what my shirt is made of? Boyfriend material!
Why did the giant use clouds to make pancakes? To make them light and fluffy.
This rock was magma before it was cool.
Get it?
Can I take your temperature? You’re looking hot today.
Bill’s house was rocking last night, everyone got stoned.
Too bad Bill didn’t have avalanche insurance.
What do you call a cup of leaf juice that doesn’t want to be a dad?
Absent-tea parent.
I listenend to the football game on the radio. It was being broadcast on a catholic satellite radio station.
So I tirned to my dad and said, "That's weird. Football isn't even that religious of a sport!"
My dad replied, "Nope. Lacrosse is!"
Did you hear about the Thanksgiving turkey who tried to escape the roasting pan?
He was foiled.
I saw a squirrel bury a nut in my backyard today.
I'm going to swap it for a grilled cheese sandwich and blow his mind.
Where do robots go for fun?
The circuits.
Why wouldn’t the papa bear use a navigation system in his truck?
Because he never lost his bearings.
How does a vampire keep fit?
Batminton.
What did the cow say to his friend when they met twice in the same day? “What a cow-incidence!”
"If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world."
– J.R.R. Tolkien
My kid didn't want to tell me that his tooth was loose.
I had to pull it out of him.
What do you call a bee that lives in a mud hive?
An adobee!
A duck is standing next to a busy road, cars zooming past while he waits for a break in traffic.
A chicken walks up to him and says, "Don't do it, man. You'll never hear the end of it."
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Justin.
Justin who?
Just in the neighborhood, thought I would drop by.
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”
- Wayne H
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