And what should every barista say to their customers? Have a brew-tiful day.
Why are dragons such good story tellers?
Because they have long tails.
Waddaya get when you cross a cowboy with an Egyptian Pharaoh?
Darn Tutankhamun!
A lettuce farm was busted by the FDA on suspicion of combining plant and human DNA to create a new protein hybrid.
When they dug up the grounds the found human romaines.
Some people like to play croc-quet.
Why did the tiger visit the eye specialist after dropping a can of red paint on himself? He saw red.
"I've found some bunny to love."
I was blinded by your beauty...
I’m going to need your name and phone number for insurance purposes.
“Cooking Tip: Wrap turkey leftover in aluminum foil and throw them out.” —Nicole Hollander
What do you get when you combine a kangaroo with a donkey?
A Kick-Ass
Why did I start making a cherry pie? Bake-cause I love it.
What kind of fish performs brain surgery?
A neurosturgeon.
What does a blonde say when you blow in their ear? "Thanks for the refill!"
A boss tells a blonde applicant, "I'll give you $8 an hour, starting today, and in three months, I'll raise it to $10 an hour. So, when would you like to start?"
"Could I start In three months?"
I’m Dublin down on what I said before.
A blonde and a brunette were jumping off a building. Who jumped first? The brunette. The blonde had to ask for directions...
I thought I saw some fog yesterday.
But I guess my memory’s a little cloudy.
Is there something in your eye? Oh, wait, it's just a sparkle.
If you want to wish a 'Merry Christmas' to a strawberry, just say, "Straw-berry Christmas!'"
"If you can count your money, you don’t have a billion dollars." ~ J. Paul Getty
What do you call a dog that likes to dig up bones?
A barkeologist.
What's the difference between a sniper with Parkinson's Disease and a constipated owl?
One can shoot but can't hit...
Anything is popsicle during summer!
I thought happiness started with an H. Why does mine start with U?
I was not allowed to do my stand up act at the mushroom comedy show. I guess I am not a fungi.
How did the sheep cross the road?
It ram across.
We failed to find the dog's bone because the owner berried it.
Whenever I give my daughter cherries, she stuffs them in the chair
Now we call them chairries
Elizabeth has eleven elves in her elm tree.
Did you hear that the list of famous vampires had a startling omission?
They forgot to Count Dracula!
Which famous Roman suffered from hayfever?
Julius Sneezer.
“The problem with doing nothing is that you never know when you’re finished.” – Groucho Marx
“You can always tell a real friend: when you’ve made a fool of yourself he doesn’t feel you’ve done a permanent job.”
– Laurence J. Peter
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies"
I replied, "Tell him he's very good at it as well. I don't have any kids."
I once attended the saddest watermelon funeral I’ve ever been to. I gotta say, I’ve never seen anything so meloncholy in my life.
How do French skeletons say hello?
- Bone-jour!
What is a ghost's favorite place to work?
Ghoul-gle.
What’s the easiest way to stop a dog from digging in the garden?
Take away his shovel!
A husband reels off a list of presents he suggests buying his wife for her birthday.
She rejects them all.
“Well you tell me what you want then.”
“I want a divorce.” she replies.
“I wasn’t planning on spending that much.”
What currency do astronauts use in space?
Starbucks.
I need an Imodium because I can’t hold in my love for you.
"To get back to my youth I would do anything in the world, except take exercise, get up early, or be respectable." - Oscar Wilde
What do you call an alligator who is wearing crocs on his feet?
A traitor.
Metaphors be with you.
I watched a documentary about corn fields
It was really quite amaizeing
Where do wasps go on holiday?
Stingapore.
Why do mice have long tails?
Well, they’d look silly with long hair!
How do sponges talk to the devil?
They use a squeegee board.
Q: What is a tornado’s favorite game?
A: Twister
I went into the kitchen and found that someone replaced all the cutting utensils with spoons
That wasn't knife.
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