I designed a new toilet but cannot find anyone to test it out.
No one gives a crap.
How did the hipster drown?
He ice-skated before it was cool.
Is there a science room nearby, or am I just sensing chemistry between us?
"My name is Khan, please sit and entertain me."
"You could be drinking whole [milk] if you wanted to."
- Napoleon Dynamite (2004)
Hey girl, I hope you see that I'm not like all the otters!
Q: How do mummies hide?
A: They use masking tape
What do you call a talking kangaroo?
A quantum leap.
When you go with an army general onto a bowling alley, he will start bowling even before you enter his name on the scoreboard.
What did the metamorphic rock say during the test?
This is too much pressure!
What did the penguin say after he went shopping?
Put it on my bill.
If pigs learned to fly, would the price of bacon skyrocket?
skyrocket
A fellow jumped off a high wall,
And had a most terrible fall.
He went back to bed,
With a bump on his head,
That's why you don't jump off a wall.
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
Robin Williams
When shouldn't you believe a word your cheese is saying? When it's too Gouda to be true.
Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night?
Nurse: No change yet.
Miners Refuse To Work After Death
The oranges hadn’t been peeling well for a week when they finally decided to seek medical attention.
What do strawberries wear to bed?
Jammies!
Are you a unicorn cause you are my fantasy.
Which trophy has the most glitz? The Lady Bling.
What do kittens wear? Dia-purrs!
I made myself a snowball
As perfect as could be.
I thought I'd keep it as a pet
And let it sleep with me.
I made it some pajamas
And a pillow for its head.
Then last night it ran away,
But first it wet the bed.
What do you call an ancient Egyptian chef?
Gordon Ramses.
“I can’t breathe” One potato said to the other. “What happened? ” The other said. The potato replied “I
feel I dropped my nose somewhere”
What does the mushroom say to his lover? – “I have so mush-room in my heart for you, baby!”
What do you call a musician with problems? a trebled man.
“A loyal friend laughs at your jokes when they’re not so good, and sympathizes with your problems when they’re not so bad.”
— Arnold H. Glasgow
I'd love to serve a 5 minute penalty in your box.
Q: What do you get when you cross an Egyptian pharaoh with a mechanic?
A: Toot and Car Man.
What do you call a communist vampire?
A red blood count.
What type of dog chases anything red?
A bull dog.
"I need 6 months of vacation. Twice a year."
Can you put some hot sauce on my enchilada, I need some spice in my life.
While cutting the onions, my eyes were leek-ing tears
Adolescence: A stage between infancy and adultery
Kevin Goldstein-Jackson
You're hot enough for both of us during winter.
What are sophisticated realtors known for?
Constantly telling you all about proper tea.
My family wanted me to cut the grass, but I couldn't get myself mow-tivated.
Where do the best kola nuts come from? Kolafornia.
What color socks do bears wear?
They don’t wear socks, they have bear feet.
“Every day is National Donut Day if you put your mind to it.”
― Unknown
What happened when the koala house party got a little too far out of hand? One of the neighbors koalaed the cops.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
When where.
When where who?
Tonight, my place, me and you.
2 years ago, the doctor told me I was losing my hearing.
Haven't heard from him since then.
What do you give a sick pig?
Oinkment.
What do you call a Boston creme donut that’s a straight-A student?
The creme of the crop.
You are the reason Santa even has a naughty list.
I believe in The Importance of Being Earnest, so I'm just going to say it: I'm Wilde about you.
“Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it." ~ David Lee Roth
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