What do you call it when a beautiful woman tries to trick you into giving her a pig?
A bae con.
What did the kid nut say to the other when playing tag? “I’m going to cashew”.
If we were chromosomes, you’d be my homologous pair.
So what did the Mother bee say to her misbehaving bee son
"Beehive!"
Due to the expansive nature of the universe, many items both natural and manufactured could be described in this manner. Move over, anti-jokes. If you laugh at these dark jokes, you might just be a genius!
You’re right up my alley.
“Spring, salad, shallot, picked”, said a friend. He knows his onions.
Why was the man holding a bottle of ketchup? Because it was raining cats and hot dogs.
I always wondered why the watermelon loving librarian never touched any of the books; turns out she’d red them all.
How can you tell if a car is from Switzerland?
It remains in neutral.
How many worms does it take to eat a zombie?
It depends on the size of the zombie!
What did the gold say to the pyrite?
You’re a fool and a fake!
What's yellow and kills you if you get it in your eyes?
A school bus.
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
Enjoy goblin up all your Halloween candy — just don't let it go to waist!
I left my job at the keyboard factory today. To be honest, I had been looking for an Escape for a while.
Why did the worm cross the ruler?
To become an inchworm
I lost a cooking challenge once for not completing the dish.
I ran out of thyme.
How do you stop a man from raping you? Throw him the remote control.
Why is bra singular and panties plural?
Anything unrelated to elephants is irrelephant.
Q: Why did the little clouds idolize the big cloud?
A: Because he was the raining champion.
If anyone says you’re a 10/10, they are lying, you’re an Ella-ven
What's a frog's favorite candy?
Lollihops.
The Romans must have thought the year three thousand was going to be tasty.
MMM
Why are math books so darn depressing?
They’re literally filled with problems.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
King Tut.
King Tut who?
King Tut-key fried chicken!
What do you get if you cross a whale with an elephant?
A submarine with a built-in snorkel.
All chemists know that alcohol is always a solution
I want an almond flavoured biscuit. Amaretti? You bet I am.
How do you get rid of a cold?
Turn the heating on.
My late father once said
Sorry I’m late.
“Watching a dog try to chew a large piece of toffee is a pastime fit for gods. Mr. Fusspot’s mixed ancestry had given him a dexterity of jaw that was truly awesome. He somersaulted happily around the floor, making faces like a rubber gargoyle in a washing machine.”—Terry Pratchett
My English teacher told us to write about the history of our life. However, I hate writing, so I used AI to write it for me.
I guess you can say it's an auto-biography.
Chuck Norris spices up his steaks with pepper spray.
Why are gay men so well dressed?
They didn't spend all that time in the closet doing nothing.
Which tool does a peach biologist often use for its experiment? – A peachtree dish (Petri dish).
I'd definitely let you join in my reindeer games.
“My favorite animal is steak."
- Fran Lebowitz
Hey, I just got my flight number. I’m just missing your phone number.
The vampire decided to eat a throat lozenge. It was the only thing he could think of to stop his coffin fit.
“All I ask is the chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.” Spike Milligan.
Are you a photographer? Because I grin every time, I see you.
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on?!
Do you want to share some valence electrons? This way, we can have a stable relationship.
“Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own children have teenagers of their own.”
—Doug Larson
A lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided if the cowboy city planners had just made their towns big enough for everyone.
Went to buy a new microwave. Salesperson asks me "what volume are you looking for?"
And I say "nothign too loud"
It’s so cold I actually enjoyed someone spilling hot coffee in my lap.
Is your name Faith?
Because you're the substance of things I've hoped for.
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