You're so beautiful, I wish I could plant you and grow a whole field of you.

Q: What do you call a freezing bird?
A: Brrrrrrrrrdddd

A crow invited his buddies over to hang out but they didn’t show up.
He was charged with attempted murder.

"I hear voices, too. Voices that say, 'If you don't kiss her soon, you're a chump.'"
- Jimmy Stewart, You Can't Take It with You (1938)

“I want to tell you about the "sausage principle." The theory says, "If you love something, never try to find out how it is done."”
― Unknown

As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
Buddy Hackett

What does a man desperate to urinate do in a room full of arrogant people?
Egos everywhere.

What kind of dance do single people do on Valentine's Day?
The Independance!

Whats the first day of the week called in outer space?

Moonday.

In order to be efficient, I named my parrots Roger, Gene, and Mick.
Two Byrds, one Stone.

"It's fun to complain with someone. Nothing brings us together more than complaining about other people. That might be the thing that holds us together more than anything." Lew Schneider

The medieval queen was unhappy when she saw that it was pouring outside. She sighed to herself, "This could be another reigny day."

What’s your go to order at a bar? Mine is A Big Ale

I'm so glad our Billy inherited his mother's intelligence
...and I got to keep mine.

What flowering plant is an amazing equestrian? The horse chestnut.

On a scale of 1 to America, how free are you tomorrow night?

I went to the backyard this morning and saw a bird of prey drinking a pumpkin spice latte.
It was a millennial falcon.

Can I go to France this year? Of Corsican!

What do you call a lie told by a skeleton?
A fibula.

I just had a near-se* experience…
My whole wife flashed before my eyes.

I just found out what animal’s been getting into my avocado plants...
It was a guaca-mole.

"Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night." —Dave Barry

Why do some trees hate playing checkers? Because they are true chess-nuts.

Why are parrots so good at improvisation? Because they know how to wing it!

When Chuck Norris goes scuba diving
He gives the water the bends.

Up until now, I always thought that all the cool mice would get together and live in my mousepad. Now when I know the truth, I feel quite broken.

What do you call a glove combined with a snake?
Smitten.

Vincent vowed vengeance very vehemently.

Archeologists say that mummies are very hard to find. Because they're all kept under wraps.

I wish this gym had a stationary bike built for two.

What happens if a cashew falls down your shirt?
It becomes a chestnut.

Why did the tadpole feel lonely?
Because he was newt to the area.

"Life is short. Running makes it seem longer."
Baron Hansen

Sheep have a clever way of keeping all their four feet warm in the winter; they wear muttons.

Bake big batches of bitter brown bread

Cherries are actually great at a lot of different sports. Their favorite one, in case you were wondering, is archerry.

How does the weather tie its shoes? Witha rainbow!

What's a barista's favorite morning mantra? Rise and grind.

What do you call a fake bone?
A faux-knee.

Why did the advertising tycoons hire a bunch of apes?
They were running a gorilla marketing campaign.

Roses are blue
And violets are red,
Please reverse,
What I just said.

"People who say “Good morning” should be forced to prove it."
– Unknown

"I love my husband, but no matter where we are, I make him sleep closest to the door so if anything happens, he gets murdered first." — Jessica Valenti

My love for you sprouts more and more everyday!

One of my friends got lost while touring Tokyo. Turns out it was all Ja-plan.

There’s a girl on my art course who never does any original work, she copies everything.
We call her Tracey.

Black Beauty - Now there's a dark horse.

How does a turtle feel after being electrocuted?
Shell-shocked.

Can I buy you an Easter Egg?

When I got home from camp today,
My parents almost died.
They asked me how I got this way,
And here's what I replied:

This little cast from heel to hip
Is nothing much at all.
Some broken shingles made me slip
From off the dining hall.

The poison ivy's not too bad.
It missed my back and chest.
Of course, I guess I oughta add
Mosquitoes got the rest.

I tried to eat some hick'ry nuts
And cracked a tooth or two.
And all these bruises, scabs, and cuts?
I haven't got a clue.

I got the lump that's on my head
From diving in the lake.
I should've watched for rocks instead
Of grabbing for the snake.

That leaves this bandage on my chin
And these three finger sprains,
Along with lots of sunburned skin
And sniffles from the rains.

I also got a muscle cramp
And very nearly drowned.
It's some terrific summer camp,
The coolest one around.

(By Richard Thomas)