Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Control freak.
Co…
You should say "Control freak who" now.
Why did the monster truck drive on the sidewalk?
Because he didn’t want to run over the chicken!
Super-duper storm troopers whoop it up at Death Star groupers: helmet thrashing, rebel bashing, laser blasting at party poopers.
“Your body is not a temple, it’s an amusement park. Enjoy the ride.”
― Anthony Bourdain
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan.
The closer we came to the alley, the louder the bowling thunder.
Why did the basketball player sign up for a crafting class?
He wanted to learn how to make baskets.
Q: Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their car at the drive-in movie theatre?
A: They apparently went to see "Closed For The Winter"
Do you know what is the most favourite fruit in the United States? – Mmm peach!
Why was the skeleton a success at work?
He had a head for business.
“Hiking is the only slightly less ugly stepsister of running.” – Lindy Hughes
What did the prehistoric Greeks call their goddess of love?
Troglodite.
What human body part is long, hard, bendable, and contains the letters p,e,n,i,s?
Your spine.
"Whenever I See"
Whenever I see your eyes
There is something that I feel
You look so sleepy
As a bear after a meal.
"I prefer not to think before speaking. I like being as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth."
Anonymous
“Thanks to yoga, I now gently stretch to conclusions rather than jumping to them.” – Unknown
What plant do both Spaniards and French agree is the best?
Seaweed.
"Granny"
Through every nook and every cranny
The wind blew in on poor old Granny
Around her knees, into each ear
(And up her nose as well, I fear)
All through the night the wind grew worse
It nearly made the vicar curse
The top had fallen off the steeple
Just missing him (and other people)
It blew on man, it blew on beast
It blew on nun, it blew on priest
It blew the wig off Auntie Fanny-
But most of all, it blew on Granny!
– Spike Milligan
No one likes eating outside in the winter.
It’s frost come, frost served.
My blender is a bit forgetfull. It keep breaking the ice with me.
Chuck Norris doesn't need to flush the toilet. He simply goes "Boo!" and anything in the bowl promptly rushes away.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Police.
Police who?
Police hurry up, it’s chilly outside!
What happened when the dog ate a firefly?
He smiled with de-light
“A messy house is a must—it separates your true friends from other friends. Real friends are there to visit you not your house!”
— Jennifer Wilson
What's brown and very bad for your dental health?
A baseball bat.
Irish you a happy St. Patrick’s Day!
What's the fastest thing on the river bed?
A motor-pike and side-carp.
My handsome and wonderful man, I love you,
I feel like my life is so fresh and so new.
Thank you for all that you do for me,
It’s because of you that I feel so very free.
You truly are the best man in town,
Now do me a favor and put the seat down!
(Unknown)
What do you call a fish with no eye?
FSH!
When the heat turns down, we thieves gather in our secret hideout for a meeting.
We call it our Con Den session.
"Jogging is for people who aren't intelligent enough to watch television."
Victoria Wood
The worst moment for the atheist is when he is really thankful and has nobody to thank. -- Dante Rossetti
Einstein, Newton, and Pascal decide to play hide-and-seek. Einstein is "It," closes his eyes, counts to 10, and then opens them. Pascal is nowhere to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to one side. Einstein says, "Newton, you're terrible, I've found you!" Newton says, "No no, no. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!"
After all is red and done, all the colors in the rainbow are equally beautiful.
“I put all my money into taxes. They’re the only thing that’s sure to go up!”
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros?
Eleph-ino! (Sounds like "Hell if I know!")
I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today.
It was clogged.
Q. Which book makes virgin gorillas blush?
A. The Naked Ape.
Every time I flush the toilet...
Sh** goes down
I was astonished when my shirt's color changed from red to pink after a wash. Guess it showed me its true colors.
A woman bought a rooster, wanting to hear it crow.
However, it turns out the rooster was mute, so she was out of cluck.
How do you stop a bear from charging?
Take away its credit cards.
What do you call a cake that likes heavy metal? Megadeth by Chocolate.
Two red blood cells met and fell in love, but alas, it was all in vein.
What do you call a cow who’s just given birth?
De-calf-inated!
My son painted six Easter eggs the colors of the infinity gems.
I told him he made an Egg-finity omelette.
Why was the medieval knight polishing his dress before going for the Queens's dinner party? Because he wanted to have a night in shining armor!
Last night I was kidnapped by Aliens. They forced to work providing teas and coffees on their spaceship.
I told one alien that I couldn't find any milk. He said "In space, no one can. Here, use cream."
What do you call an alligator that’s a very skilled conversationalist?
A dialogator.
What kind of apple isn't an apple? A pineapple. What did the apple say to the apple pie? "You've got some crust."
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