When I drink, I always end up with rosy cheeks,
I wake up in the flower bed at the end of my garden the next day.
I like to reminisce about the surgeon who removed my spine.
Really takes me back.
A French photographer and his friend from Czechoslovakia were visiting Australia.
Unfortunately, one day they got too close to a nesting site and were attacked and eaten by a pair of crocodiles.
The female ate the Frenchman.
The Czech was in the male.
Why did the penguin cross the road?
It was the chicken’s day off.
Every time I flush the toilet...
Sh** goes down
What did the cloud say to the rainbow? Thank you for adding color to my day.
What is an elf’s favorite kind of birthday cake?
Shortcake!
How heavy are your bones?
They are scale-a-ton.
Why couldn’t the athlete listen to her music?
Because she broke the record.
What did the home owner say to the mug shot when he put it up on his wall
"You've been framed!"
Genie: "I shall grant you 3 wishes."
Me: "I wish for a world without lawyers."
Genie: "Done, you have no more wishes."
Me: "But you said I had 3!"
Genie: "Sue me."
Moisturize the air!
As fast as humidly possible.
Did you expect to laugh at puns?
No, but they've groan on me!
The FBI are raiding an alleged spy's apartment when they discover a hard drive labeled "KGB".
One of the agents holds it up with a look of confusion and says, "Why wouldn't he just write 1 TB?"
You think you're big.
With your fancy little words.
This is not so hard.
I had to do something about my addiction to Thanksgiving leftovers.
Cold turkey was the only way to do it.
You know, it's not the length of the vector that counts. It's how you apply the force.
There was a young lady of Lynn,
Who was so excessively thin.
That when she assayed,
To drink lemonade,
She slipped through the straw and fell in.
Subway - Lettuce know how we did.
“Good Morning! Open your mouth wide! I’ll just keep going and put that coffee right in there!”
– Unknown
How does Frankenstein eat his dinner?
He bolts it down.
Why did the bee get married?
She found her honey.
Excuse me… Do these shoes make me look fast?
What did the Indian boy say to his parent before going into self isolation?
Mumbai.
Q: Why did peas jump out of an airplane?
A: They wanted to be air pods.
What do you get when you cross a cow with a wolf?
An animal that mooed at the full moon.
Whoever lives by the sword shell die by it.
What is heavier, a ton of bricks or a ton of feathers?
The feathers.
Because you have to live with the weight of what you did to those poor birds.
Why didn’t Handel go shopping?
Because he was Baroque.
What was the cheese’s strategy when it ran for president?
Make America grate again.
What do Penguins like to eat?
Brrrrrrrritos.
What did the fans say to the band named after a famous chickpea spread?
Hummus a tune.
“You grow up the day you have your first real laugh at yourself.”
Ethel Barrymore
A man walks into a library to get a book on suicide.
The librarian says “Do you have a library card?” The man says “no” and leaves.
I want you more then an ice-cream on a hot summer day.
I've been called a dirty player but lets just see how dirty we can get tonight.
How are baseball umpires and angry chickens alike?
Both make fowl calls.
I just learned how to speak parrot.
I just learned how to speak parrot.
Fall is coll-arding; it’s time to leave.
How did the electrician pay for his new phone?
He charged it.
"Every culture has some ritual for joining two people together and making them stay that way, and ours is giving tax breaks."
- Bauvard
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Butter.
Butter who?
I butter nut tell you.
The best place for a ghost to go on holiday is The Dead Sea.
Are you a microprocessor or are you etching to see me.
This coffee is too strong. How about a kiss because you are the only sugar I need.
I General Lee do not find punny history jokes about the Civil War funny.
What has 100 teeth and eats wieners? A zipper!
Doctor 1: what’s his body temperature?
Doctor 2: it’s 90 degrees.
Doctor 1: What?! That’s can’t be right!
Doctor 2: No, it is.
One night I looked up at the stars and thought, ‘Wow, how beautiful.’ But now that I’m looking at you, nothing else can compare.
I asked my son to go get me a phone book. He laughed, called me a dinosaur, and handed me his iPhone.
The spider is dead, the iPhone screen is cracked, and my son is furious!
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