“I tried yoga once but took off for the mall halfway through class, as I had a sudden craving for a soft pretzel and world peace.” – Terri Guillemets
I'm a little upset, folks. Last night I went to this new restaurant for dinner and I had to use the restroom. And there was a sign in there that said, "Employees Must Wash Hands."
And I could not find one employee who would wash my hands.
Built up some confidence to reach out…hope you don’t igNora me
Heard the person who invented the urinals was very young.
He was a whiz kid.
Its hard being a teenage mother
Especially when you're a teenage male.
How do you tell the difference between a violinist and a dog?
The dog knows when to stop scratching.
It's so cold that Starbucks started serving coffee on a stick.
My dad argued with a stove
The conversation really started to heat up
Got emotional hearing about the role of tectonic plates in earthquakes. It was really moving.
Not many people liked the new tree I planted.
It wasn’t very poplar.
What do you call someone who always takes pictures of their dog?
A pup-arazzi.
Why don't they make ice cream from breast milk? It's an udderly bad idea!
How did the mother know her child would become a neuroanatomist?
He was constantly staining stuff.
Did you know there’s an app for corn growers?
It’s made in Sili-corn Valley!
What kind of music group only makes songs for exercise programs?
A sweatband.
Did you see that all the snow and ice are melting?
I thaw!
"Mom look! I’m a 3D printer!"
"Ugh Tommy, close the door when you poop."
Wow, two teaspoons? Lucky for you, I’m a pretty good spooner myself.
My wife and I have been having trouble communicating. We decided to take a walk when we passed a farm. She said "awww, babe look at the sheep."
"No, ewe." I said.
What did the pun mom say to the new pun dad?
We have a pun in the oven!
I really wish my five-year-old son would make up his mind! First, he said he wanted a treehouse in the backyard, but now, he says he doesn't need it…
Took me twenty years to grow that thing!
I just got a new bathtub
But we dont have to get into that right now
It’s amazing how most jars look alike...
The resemblance is uncanny
I wouldn't say that flying is my favorite way to travel...
But it's up there.
How much ground would a groundhog hog, if a groundhog could hog ground? A groundhog would hog all the ground he could hog, if a groundhog could hog ground.
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
I normally fish for trout but I'll make and exception for you.
What is the difference between a pineapple and a school bus? The little pricks are at the inside of the bus, but on the outside of the pineapple.
What type of dog is best at timekeeping?
A watch dog.
I'll do algebra, I'll do trigonometry, I'll even do statistics...
But graphing is where I draw the line!
What do you call an old dog?
Grandpaw.
"Parents don’t really go on holidays. They just look after their kids in a different country for a while."
What do you call a Rabbi who works with solvents?
An acidic Jew.
Hey Anna, how about you Anna I grab a drink sometime?
My mother's sister can carry 50 times her own weight
She's my aunt
Hey, is your name daisy? Because I can’t resist the urge to plant you right over my heart.
What do you call a little tune about atmospheric moisture?
A humi-ditty.
"Some bunny needs vodka."
What did the river ask the beaver? "Water you doing today?"
What did the mother airplane say to the child airplane when the child was acting rude?
"I've had it with your altitude"
What did the witch do when her broomstick broke?
She witch-hiked.
Do you want to die happy?
I've heard lovemaking is a killer.
What is the similarity between my wallet and an onion? Whenever I open both of them, I cry.
"I can't make you love me, but I can fill my pantry with your favorite snacks and offer you a weekly stipend of $75." — Rob Delaney
What do you call a veterinarian that specializes in canines?
A dogtor.
Wanna hear a joke about a staccato?
Never mind, it’s too short.
Sloths never kiss on the first date, they take it slow.
I froze some raspberries last summer. You're hot enough to defrost them.
It’s so cold my money turned into cold, hard cash.
On what radio station would you hear Bob Dill-on?
Vlasic rock.
Go to BabaMail
