Did you hear about the Pharaoh who was lying in the wrong coffin? He made a grave mistake.
“The trouble with the IRS is that 90% of its members give the rest a bad name.”
What did one beaver say to the other at the river? Dam it.
Where does Santa stay when he goes on vacation? At a ho-ho-ho-tel.
What element comes from Norse mythology? Thorium.
How do Japanese chihuahuas say hello?
Konnichihuahua.
I said to my son, "There's only one thing about Halloween that scares me."
He asked, "Which is?"
I replied, "Exactly!"
"Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie
When is the peanut butter due to arrive?
In a Jif.
You’re pretty and I’m damn cute. If we’re together, we would be pretty cute.
[Bundled Up Guy] This is what you call man coverage.
What do you call a cow who works for a gardener?
A lawn moo-er.
How did the horse solve a murder?
Compiled newspaper clippings.
I saw an egg behaving oddly today.
It was probably just a bit egg-centric.
I didn't think the doctor would fix the curve in my spine
But now I stand corrected.
What kind of tea does Billy like?
Ability.
Roses are red
violets are violet.
Here is my number
why don’t you dial it?
Why was the boxer fired from his job?
He never punched out.
What did the artist say to his old friend? Let's clay in touch.
My mom thinks I'm gay, can you help me prove her wrong?
How do you know when guacamole has gone bad?
When it turns guaca-moldy.
What does a cow say to milk? I am your mother.
What do you get when you cross a chicken and a four-leaf clover?
The Cluck o’the Irish!
There was a young lady named Perkins,
Who just simply lived on gherkins.
In spite of advice,
She ate so much spice,
That she ruined her internal working's.
I knew this gambler.
He bet it all on a bluff.
He is now homeless.
What do llamas do when they eat outside together?
They have an alpacanic.
What do you cal purple when it is being mean? Violent.
Are you a fortune cookie?
Because you're always wrong.
“All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.”
- Erma Bombeck.
What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cement mixer?
A brick layer.
"Why should I do anything for posterity? What has posterity ever done for me?"
“In a household of toddlers and pets, we discover this rule of thumb about happy families, that they are least two-thirds incontinent.”
- Robert Brault.
You must be the Easter Bunny, because you’ve got me all egg-cited.
I’m not usually one for Austin-tatious pickup lines, but I decided to make an exception for you.
Why should you never throw a snake like a boomerang?
Because it’ll come back to bite you.
I had a jaw-dropping experience.
Sadly, it was radium poisoning.
How could you tell the horse was getting old?
It was wither-ing away.
Do you know how many famous men and women were born on your birthday?
None, only babies.
Who won the skeleton beauty contest?
No body.
I recently read a book by an onion which had opened up on its life. Midway through the book, I started crying.
All my neighbours bought the same set of stereos...
When will they stop stereotyping?
People with 20-20 vision..
Why you didn't warn us before??
What did the turkey say to the computer? "Google, google, google!"
Girl, it makes sense and sensibility for us to go out.
Why is it cheap to feed polar bears?
Because they live on ice only.
The perfect description of a bowling game is one where there is plenty of room at the top, but no room to lie down.
Where do monkeys go to drink?
To the monkey bars.
"Will you accept this rosé?"
I was walking past the store today when I saw a sign saying, "All items one-third off."
So I bought a dozen eggs. Unfortunately four of them were rotten.
I recently met a musical group of pirates.
They called themselves A-Band-On-Ship.
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