“Being part of a family means smiling for photos.” –Harry Morgan
Q. Which kind of ape enjoys smoking tobaco?
A. Cigarilla.
Wife says to her husband: "Choose, either me or the soccer game!"
He responds: "Give me 90 minutes to think."
What makes it okay for bats to just poop wherever they want?
For a bat, every room is the batroom.
Did you hear about the sheep's jousting tournament?
It was a real baa-lancing act.
"Marriage is like a walk in the park. Jurassic Park." - Anonymous
What do you get when you cross a pig and a tortoise?
A slow-pork.
How many realtors are needed to change a bulb?
Five. One to change, and four others to say they would have done it for a lower price.
How do you know if it's too hot in the chicken barn?
The chickens are laying hard-boiled eggs.
“Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow…somewhere else!”
A talking horse walks into a bar one day.
He goes up to the manager and asks him, "Excuse me, good sir, are you hiring?"
The manager is surprised to see a talking horse and he looks him up and down before saying, "Sorry, we're not hiring. Why don't you try the circus?"
The horse says, "Why would the circus need a bartender?"
Why’d did the cowboy have a wiener dog?
Someone told him to get a long little doggie
Who were Gumby’s favorite Bible characters?
Shadrack, Meshack & AhBENDago.
I once knew an arrogant sponge.
He was very self absorbed
A thesaurus' favorite thing to eat for breakfast is a synonym roll.
What did one boat say to the other boat?
Are you interested in a little row-mance?
What do you use to get paint off a snake?
Serpentine.
When doing laundry, the mother wolf accidentally fell into the washing machine. It became a wash and wearwolf.
The injured player wanted to congratulate the winner, but he couldn’t walkover to the other side of the court.
Why didn't the T-rex skeleton attack the museum visitors? Because she had no guts!
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime
"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred." —Woody Allen
What’s the difference between two lawyers in a Porsche and a porcupine?
The porcupine has pricks on the outside.
“Nutrition labels should include a “What if I ate the whole thing” section.”
― Unknown
Pack your trunks – we’re having a pool party!
Why are oranges the smartest fruit?
Because they are made to concentrate.
There was an Old Man of Peru,
Who never knew what he should do;
So he tore off his hair,
And behaved like a bear,
That intrinsic Old Man of Peru.
Is a cowboy with his foot across the Canadian border in Canada?
Just aboot.
What did the lost witch ask the wizard?
- Witch way to the Halloween party?
Of all the planets in all the solar systems in all the galaxies, I'm so lucky you walked into mine
What do you call an Eskimo cow?
An Eskimoo!
Why do pirates not know the alphabet?
Because they always get Lost at C (Sea).
The only thing that looks like half a strawberry is the other half.
Did they just take you out of the oven? Because you’re hot!
Why do vampires need cold medicine?
For their coffin.
What’s the first thing a gorilla learns in school? The ape b c’s.
“Always hike with someone in worse shape than you. The bears out there will know.”
"Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it." —Lily Tomlin
I like you very mulch. I think about you every daisy.
I'm going to discuss global warming on Sunday at a debate. It's a very heated topic.
What do trees write on? Loose leaf paper.
What do you call a funny mountain? hill-arious
A priest, a rabbit and a deacon walk into a blood bank.
"I think I might be a type o." said the rabbit.
When the orange started peeling, he was glad it was finally cutting some weight.
What is a medieval owl called?
A knight owl.
If you want a loyal marriage, get hitched to a basketball player. He will never pass you, rather he will keep you all to himself.
I less than three you.
In life, the rule of thumb is, don’t bite more than you can chew unless it is chocolate.
What’s the most expensive kind of fish?
A gold fish.
"Too many people spend money they haven’t earned, to buy things they don’t want, to impress people they don’t like." ~ Will Smith
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