I just hear that the woman who lives next door and loves fruit died. I hope she would rest in peach.
Are you an onion? Cause I want to peel your layers.
A musician told me he was going to hit me with the neck of his guitar.
I replied, “Is that a fret?”
I found a cutlery dispenser that doesn’t work properly
No forks were given.
"Nice to be here? At my age it’s nice to be anywhere." – George Burns
My boss brought bagels for breakfast and asked me which one I wanted. I said "give me one of the Spanish bagels". He responded " One of the Spanish Bagels?"
"Ay poppy."
Did you hear about the CEO that got fired at the dairy farm? He was skimming a little bit off the top.
"Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese." – Billie Burke
What is a zombie’s favorite shampoo?
Head & Shoulders.
How does a car tell you to get out?
‘Get out, or I shall give you the boot.’
Why do tigers always hunt and eat their prey raw?
Because they don’t know how to cook it.
Why can't redheads be in blues or jazz bands?
They got no soul.
What do you call having your grandma on speed dial? Instagram.
What do you get if you cross a pelican and zebra? Two streets further away.
What do you call dogs that look exactly the same?
Dogglegangers.
What kind of writer did the ghost hire to write his biography? A ghostwriter, duh.
I’m a little confused as to why everyone keeps giving me legos for my birthday.
I don’t know what to make of it.
I didn't know WiFi stood for Wireless Fidelity.
I guess I just didn't get the connection.
What did the zoologist and the herbalist name their child? Tiger Woods.
What do you call a snake that is 3.14 meters long?
A pi-thon.
What did they say about the tone-deaf boy?
He has Van Gogh's ear for music.
Shave a single shingle thin.
Initially, the passenger couldn't find where his next flight was, but fortunately, he made the connection in time.
Q. What did Ena say after Bambi was killed by a semi truck?
A. He will be dearly missed.
Where was Solomon’s temple located?
On the side of his head.
What do you get when a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn?
An eggroll.
Asked the librarian rather loudly for the wifi password. He said "Sshhhhhh!" I asked "is that all lower case?"
What do you get when you mix alcohol and literature? Tequila mockingbird.
Why did the student get upset when his teacher called him average?
It was a ‘mean’ thing to say!
Sorry, can you please go away? Everytime you come around you take my breath away.
What do you call a girl with no arms, no legs, sitting in a watermelon patch?
“Melanie! (melon-y)”
An Australian chess player went into a restaurant and ordered food. After having his food , the waiter asked him "Cash or Credit , Sir?"
He said "Cheque , mate."
In Australia, they have a scary lemon dessert that keeps coming back.
They call it Boo-Meringue.
Hey I love your shoes, they would look even better if they were running alongside me.
Where do horses go on vacation?
Flankfurt.
Had beaver curry last night.
Bit like a normal curry, just a little otter.
Why do turtles never forget?
Because they have turtle recall.
I tried to write funny love poems for you,
I attempted as well some cute and silly ones too.
But it seems I haven’t yet learned how to rhyme,
So, I beg of you, honey, please give me some time.
One of these days, I will figure it out,
Until then, I hope that you will not pout.
Trust me, my man, you really do inspire me,
I’m just not good with words, as you can plainly see.
It’s not that easy to come up with love poems, you know,
So, for now, I’ll just find another way for my love to show.
(Unknown)
What did the Cheese salesman say? That cheese may be Gouda, but this one is Feta!
What do you call a fruit riding a motorcycle?
“An Orange County Chopper.”
My uncles petshop really started doing well when he started selling parrots. They literally flew off the shelves.
The plant was tired of being boring.
It has decided to turn over a new leaf.
It’s so cold the flames of our fire froze.
How did the ponies stay in touch?
C-horse-pondence.
"Snack time heals all wounds."
— Bridger Winegar
Italians are so good at making coffee because they naturally like to espresso themselves.
My boss has just fired me for making too many Asian jokes.
Oh well!! That's the end of my Korea.
“Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children.”
- Sam Levenson
What do you call a beaver with a bad attitude who acts lazy? A beaver that doesn’t give a dam.
Can linesmen enter the Hall of Fame? Yes, because they decide who's HOFside.
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