"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."
when I smelled breakfast in the morning it was bacon me eggcited.
"Know your worth, and then make sure to add tax."
"You might not carrot all, but you're irresistible."
Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
because it felt crumby.
What is the highest compliment a zombie can receive?
- Wow, you're in Grave condition!
What do you have to know to teach a bat tricks?
More than a bat.
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
GF - I'm sorry babe but I've cheated on you.
BF - I'm sorry as well, I've also cheated on you.
GF - April fools day!
BF - Mine was on the 24th of March.
Picking strawberries can be a very fruitful endeavor!
Are you the moon? Because even when it’s dark, you still seem to shine.
You’re wine in a million.
What do people in New Mexico eat on thanksgiving?
an Albuturquey
Why did the cat decide to sleep under the car? Because she wanted to wake up oily!
Dear keyboard manufacturers, I'm writing to request a redesign so that g and t wouldn't be right next to each other. Retards
What was the Romans' greatest achievement?
Learning to speak Latin!
My son asked me, what’s a Greek urn?
I said, “about 20 drachmas a day.”
How do you light a swimming pool on fire?
You don't.
“Most of what we call management consists of making it difficult for people to get their work done.” — Peter Drucker
Why are oceans so meticulous?
They like to be pacific.
There was an Old Man of Peru,
Who watched his wife making a stew;
But once by mistake,
In a stove she did bake,
That unfortunate Man of Peru.
I have no idea how you can look so great pre-coffee.
What do drunk kangaroos play?
Hopscotch.
I knew this gambler.
He bet it all on a bluff.
He is now homeless.
What do skeletons put in their photocopiers?
Skeletoner
So I attended a salsa class today
The instructor says to everyone: "Alright folks, who's ready to learn how to dance??"
I realized that there was a misunderstanding, and ran off with my bag of tortilla chips.
"I’m 59 and people call me middle-aged. How many 118-year-old men do you know?"- Barry Cryer
I went to shop for a toaster. The sailsman showed me all the fancy features.
I said "wow, that's cool!"
And he replied, "Sorry ma'am,it can only warm"
What did the Mama Steam Engine say to her Baby Steam Engine at supper time? “Choo choo!”
“There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.”
Henry Kissinger
Noticed the ladies' restroom door was missing the 'W'.
Told my daughter that sign was a bad omen
Why are hands so reliable?
Because you can always count on them.
What’s the best way to deal with a turkey?
Have it killed and then cran-bury it.
Pirates used to make a delicious snack for themselves by crossing pate with flowers. They called it “lily livered”.
What did the trumpet pharaoh do when his girlfriend told him to pull out?
Toot and come in.
I just paid for a boat ride to a magic themed renaissance carnival. The price was reasonable.
It was a fair fairy faire ferry fare.
A mosquito cried out in great pain,
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
And the cause of his sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
Diphenyl-trichloroethane.
What did the banana say to the monkey?
Nothing, bananas don’t talk.
"Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings." — David Sedaris
Wine if you must. It’s not good to bottle up your emotions.
Even if injuries end it prematurely, Paul's had a good Kariya.
What do you call a parrot without feathers? Bald!
Which ancient Greek Philosopher had a foot fetish?
Play-toe.
Or was it Sock-rates?
I can’t find a costume for Halloween, so can I just go as your boyfriend?
Why did the banana go out with a prune?
Because he couldn't find a date.
I just went to a fireworks shop and asked for their biggest bomb. They gave me a picture of you
“Yes officer I did see the speed limit sign, I just didn’t see you.”
Mum said I would never be able to make a bicycle out of spaghetti
Well I did, and you should’ve seen her face when I rode pasta
“I don’t need the facts. I’m a Pisces.”
— Phil Volatile
“Having children is like living in a frat house — nobody sleeps, everything s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.”
- Ray Romano.
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