What did the nut tell itself before crossing the finish line? “I pe-can do it!”
My daughter asked me, "Why are the two planets coming close together?"
"Well, you see... When two planets love each other they can come together in holy astro nomy."
What's the difference between a pickle and a psychiatrist?
If you don't know, you ought to stop talking to your pickle!
"Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away." —Robert Orben
For a fatty, you don't seem to sweat much.
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
- Groucho Marx.
Beer is the greatest beverage on earth.
That's my pint of view, anyway.
At the baking competition in October, the chef said that he had eyes on the pies!
What did the pickle say when he was told he was going in to a salad?
I relish the thought.
Why did Frankenstein turn to solar?
For the free charge.
Why do zombies speak Latin?
It’s a dead language.
Why does Mr. Potato Head have a mobile?
In case Mr. Onion rings.
Why do we put candles on the top of birthday cakes?
Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom.
Did you hear what happened when the decorator painted his wife with cheese? He double Gloucester!
In space, no one can hear us scream.
I know my shot was in. But I won’t argue, because I’m not up for the challenge.
How can you tell which end of a worm is which?
Tell it a funny Halloween joke and see which end laughs!
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Banana. Banana who? Knock knock Who’s there? Banana. Banana who? Knock knock Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you glad I didn’t say banana?
Mix a box of mixed biscuits with a boxed biscuit mixer.
How do Medieval sheep protest prisons?
They storm the baaaastille.
One night I looked up at the stars and thought, ‘Wow, how beautiful.’ But now that I’m looking at you, nothing else can compare.
What was Camelot famous for?
It's knight life.
You must be the square root of two because I'm irrational around you.
How do you make a telephone in the jungle?
With toucans and a piece of string.
Halloween Math
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a jack-o'-lantern by its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi.
I can't stand Greek salads.
I like un-feta'd access to my greens.
When whisking something, do it with caution.
It’s whisky business.
Did you hear about the cloud who became king? He rained for years.
I swear I saw one of those mythical creatures somewhere in the bush; but when I came back, it was uni-gone.
I was having a pretty boring night but now it’s looking a lot more Evelyn-tful
What's a dragon's favorite snack?
Fire Crackers!
You’re my sweetheart, and I’m so pumped about that.
I read that in medieval times, if you lost your castle to invaders during a siege, it was incredibly unlikely that you'd get the well-fortified tower area back.
Guys back then were playing for keeps.
“A good friend will always stab you in the front.”
— Oscar Wilde
Why did the worm cross the playground?
To get to the underground slide!
In what type of weather is the vet the busiest?
When its raining cats and dogs.
What do you do when you're in a knife fight with a group of clowns?
Go for the juggler.
“What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.” - Cindy Garner
How many wipes does it take to clean a keyboard?
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There was a weird Crab
Whenever he used to walk, his claws used to make a ta-ta-ta-ta sound.
To resolve the internal issues at the office, crows involved their cawnflict mediators.
I find that a duck’s opinion of me is heavily influenced by whether or not I have bread.
Mitch Hedberg
My HOA agreement has a statement mandating we have an inflatable Santa displayed in our yard during December.
There is a Santa clause.
"The only b.s I need is bikini and sandals"
"Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. Now who's asking the questions?" — Jack Handy
You are the object of my preposition.
Wind turbines don’t talk about much. They just shoot the breeze.
It’s so cold my money turned into cold, hard cash.
What did the snowplow guy say when his equipment broke down?
Take this job and shovel it!
My dog went on his first date.
But she was a mal-TEASE.
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