What do you call a friendly volcano? Lava-ble.

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.

What did the kangaroo say while volunteering at the homeless shelter?
More-soup-y’all?

What do you call a dog from the Wild West?
Clint Eastwoof.

Taking a romantic ride today,
We sat upon the wagon.
Suddenly the horse lifted his tail
And we heard a roaring dragon!

The deafening sound hurt my ears
And the smell burned the hairs in my nose.
My girlfriend sat and glared at me.
Somehow my fault I suppose.

It was my idea to take the ride,
But how was I to know?
It really wasn't in my plans;
Didn't know the horse would blow.

The noise and the smell were bad enough,
As the wind blew quickly by.
But I think the very worst of it,
Was the brown stuff in my eye.

My girlfriend's face turned angry red.
So I figured I wouldn't dare,
Advise her of the smelly pieces
Of horse stuff in her hair.

The horse finally stopped; my girl ran away,
Stubbornly lifting her chin.
I think that horse was enjoying himself,
Cause I'm sure I saw him grin.

A lesson learned for me today.
Although I must confess,
I laughed so hard I nearly cried
As I wiped away the mess.

(by Annabel Sheila)

What did the laser weapon say to the atom bomb?
"OK boomer."

What did the ghoul say to the clown on Halloween?
Tag, you’re it!

“I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.”
Mark Twain

Mummies are very aware of investment security. Their favorite is Cryptocurrency.

Why did the basketball player sign up for a crafting class?
He wanted to learn how to make baskets.

Why should you never fight a Gorilla?
They know king kong fu.

Hey baby, you caught my curiosity. Mind if I explore you a little?

What do you call an alligator that sneaks up and bites you from behind?
A tail-gator.

“October: This is one of the particularly dangerous months to invest in stocks. Other dangerous months are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August and February.” Mark Twain

Burst into cheers!

What is just as big as a gorilla but literally weighs nothing?
A gorilla's shadow.

Why are geologists no fun at parties?
They like to be stone-cold sober.

What's an inmates favorite fishing equipment? Jail bait.

Why Did the Whale Cross the Ocean?
To get to the other tide.

Did you hear about the lazy flower who finally got his act together?
He just needed a kick in the bud.

Dad jokes are like Corona.
Everybody gets It but not everyone can laugh about It.

Where do Egyptians seal away their drugs?
In a narcophagus.

What do you call a mouse that doesn’t like being known about-?
Anonymouse.

Trowel and error.

What do you call a snake that is 3.14 meters long?
A pi-thon.

This morning my son said to me, "Can I have a book mark?"
I burst into tears. Ten years old and he still doesn't know my name is Steve.

When moving a piece of furniture at the weather station, you'll be needing four casters.

I wrote down a list of everyone I hate on a piece of paper and my roommate use it to roll his joint....
He's now high on the list of people I never want to see again.

What do athletes drink before games? Sport-Tea.

I'll never forget my grandfather's last words to me before he kicked the bucket. He looked me in the eyes and said, 'Son, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?

Working on lab science animals is a real rat race.

What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
The people in Dubai don't like The Flintstones, but the people in Abu Dhabi dooooo.

What do you call a pear with loose morals?
A prostifruit.

Did you hear about the mother goat telling jokes?
She’s a real kidder.

What do you call related toilet rolls that sleep together?
Napkins.

What’s a skeleton’s next favorite rock band?
Bone Jovi.

Let's hang out sometime. You bring your beaker and I'll bring my stirring rod.

The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard for long hours. The blacksmith instructed the boy, “When I take the shoe out of the fire, I’ll lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer.”

The apprentice did just as he was told. Now he’s the village blacksmith.

“When in doubt, yoga it out.” – Unknown

Your bible would look great on my nightstand.

Did you hear what happened to the girl who twisted her ankle in the cow’s pen? She was milking her injury!

Never marry an archaeologist!
They're always digging up the past.

I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
David Lee Roth

What do pines eat for breakfast? Past-trees.

Building Inspectors should be stricter in Pisa, Italy.
Since they are a bit too *lean*ient.

When cashing out at the grocery store it was obvious my cashier was high, slow as hell, and insulting me under their breath.
I still don't know if I like self-checkout.

“The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree." - Steven Alexander Wright

What did the skeleton say when he went riding on his motorcycle?
- I’m bone to be wild!

How do fish get from place to place while playing golf?
With a golf carp,

My husband was allergic to my cat so I knew I had to get rid of him… so I’m looking to rehome Gerry, he’s thirty-five and works in accounting!