“It doesn’t matter how low the dollar will go, I will always bend down and pick it up.” ~ Anonymous
“Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.” —Paula Poundstone
“Your body is not a temple, it’s an amusement park. Enjoy the ride.”
― Anthony Bourdain
I won't let my daughter near ducks...
Due to their fowl language
Some guy wanted to charge me a bunch of money for a second hand bouncy house.
But I wasn't sure if that was something I really wanted to jump into.
The first rule of Tautology club is the first rule of Tautology club.
What did Tom get when he locked Jerry in the freezer? Mice cubes!
What kind of milk do people drink in Mexico? Soy milk.
How do you make a bandstand?
Take away their chairs.
What's with this Daylight Savings Time?
It steals our sleeping, snoozing time
Roll out of bed and take a breath
And feel like microwaved-reheated death
Seven o'clock? That just can't be
It's way too dark out there to see
Coffee? Yes, I need two cups
To get my sluggish body up
And hit the road before the sun
For Monday's way-too-early "fun"
It's lunchtime? HUH? I just GOT here!
My head is just now barely clear
Afternoon meeting? How can that be?
I thought it was one...HOW IS IT THREE???
The end of day has almost come
The day flew by...it's almost done!
Five o'clock, well that's just fine!
I LIKE this daylight Savings Time!
(By Rick W. Cotton)
Cows wear bells around their necks because it is moooo-sic to the farmer’s ears.
Why did the bunny go to the hospital?
Because he needed a hopperation.
I used to live in in Aragon, in Spain.
Then I left.
I'm Aragone.
Did you hear that the diet clinic was doing great business? They say that it’d really take your breadth away.
I went to the chemist today and asked the assistant "what kills the Corona Virus?"
She replied to me "Ammonia Cleaner"
I said "Oh, I am sorry, I thought you worked here."
Your presents is requested.
What kind of books do owls read?
Hoo-dunnits.
"Then there was the man who declared in court, he wasn't a person. "Excuse me, sir, why haven't you paid your taxes." "Well, as you can clearly see, I am not a person." "Well, you look like a person." "No it's all done with mirrors, trust me!"
- Lewis Black
What type of onion can't hold in moisture?
A leek.
Even the most powerful storms of Jupiter couldn’t keep me from you!
My physics teacher told me i had so much potential, so much energy.
Then I fell down the stairs and lost it all.
A Roman Lifeguard on duty:
See Caesar, Beware the tides of March!
Teaching babies to walk is hard, but you just have take it one step at a time.
Besides eucalyptus leaves, what is a koala bear’s favorite vegetable? Koalaflower.
If you're here for pee jokes, urine luck.
“Mountains have a way of dealing with overconfidence.” – Hermann Buhl
Are you a lightbulb? Because you turn me on.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To knock-knock on the door, walk into the bar, and change the lightbulb.
No taxation without representation! But, there is a kiss tax. Strictly enforced and right on the lips.
The day we met I still remember so clear,
My heartbeat with love as you came near,
Please know that I’m sorry I forgot our anniversary,
But please don’t make me take a test on our love history!
Wanna hear a joke about a staccato?
Never mind, it’s too short.
Why did St. Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland?
It was too expensive to fly and too long to walk.
What do you call a pig that does a lot of charity work?
Philanthropig
“Some people wake up drowsy. Some people wake up energized. I wake up dead.”
— James Marsden
Got a universal remote for my Birthday.
Well, this changes everything.
What do you call a small fish magician? A magic carpet
“Forget champagne and caviar – taste the world instead!”
My buddy asked me "if you could kill anyone in history, who would it be?"
I said I probably wouldn't kill anyone in history, but Pete in math is bloody annoying sometimes.
Oh buoy – we’re having a splash bash!
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it
Why did the train have bubble gum? Because he wanted to go Choo Choo
I met your mother on a dating site.
I don't know, we just clicked.
What do you call an angry kangaroo?
Hopping mad.
Can I call you pia mater? Cause you’re always on my mind.
My wife told my four year old daughter that she couldn’t use her plastic IKEA knife to slice mangos.
I said “Yeah kid, that’s just not going to cut it.”
What did the pig do when it came to a pork in the road? It pigged the road less traveled.
“If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.”
Abraham Lincoln
"You're perfect in every way, just not for me."
"A three year old child is a being who gets almost as much fun out of a fifty-six dollar set of swings as it does out of finding a small green worm." – Bill Vaughan
My Wife is leaving me because of my obsession with cowboys
But that's ok this town ain't big enough for the both of us.
---
Acowboy enters the saloon
"Who painted my horse blue??"
A huge guy stands up, and walks right into the cowboy's face.
"It was me, you have a problem with that?"
"No...I just wanted to let you know that it's dry and ready for the second coating."
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