"I Can Rise And Shine"
I can rise and shine, but not at the same time,
You’ll have to pick one, or you’ll miss all the fun.
It’s the wrong side of the bed or the pounding in my head,
It must be all that beer, but there’s nothing to fear.
For despite my bad smell, I plead you not to yell,
And though I am lazy, please don’t get all crazy.
After all, I’m a man; I’m a male, just a guy,
And you knew what you were getting into when you gave us a try!
Why should you always bring a bag of tortilla chips to a party?
In queso emergency.
What's the difference between a lobster and a Chinese man who's been run over by a bus?
Ones a crustaecian and the other is a crushed Asian.
How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? It's not hard.
“My wife is a psychologist… Not only does she know when I’m being a jerk, but she knows exactly what type of jerk I’m being.”—Lee Judge
I bought a larger sink with a built in subwoofer.
My current one doesn't have enough basin.
What made the dinosaur's car stop ? A flat Tire-annosaurus
How do horses get to another star system? They travel through intergalloptic space.
Are you a fruit, because Honeydew you know how fine you look right now?
When finally the encyclopedia on mushrooms was out, it was given the title ‘A Fungi-de to the Mushrooms’.
Have you heard about the roman numeral hospital?
All they have is IVs!
Why did the donut go to the dentist? It needed a filling!"
What was Camelot famous for?
It's knight life.
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
What do Chinese bears eat for breakfast?
Panda-cakes!
"I went home with this French guy ’cause he said something adorable, like, ‘I have an apartment.’" — Amy Schumer
When the harvest moon is full and bright,
And the wolf bane blooms on an autumn night,
If the guy whose kiss used to make you swoon
Starts to lick his lips and howl at the moon,
You'd best decline if he asks you out for a bite.
- Jim Slaughter
What did one nut say to the other nut when it was chasing it?
“I’m gonna cashew!”
What do you call a duck with fangs?
Count Duckula.
I was going to replace the seats at my bar
But... I just can't look at another stool sample
"A good marriage is where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal." - Anonymous
I managed to fix the toilet all on my own today! I'm so proud of myself. Some would even go as far as to say I'm...
flushed with success.
You must be regulated by the FDA because you treat, cure, and prevent my broken heart.
Why did the fish cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.
I know a fun activity that can burn 500 calories an hour...
What is it called when bigger burgers fall from the sky?
Meatier showers.
I am lucky to live in an airport, but whenever the guard comes out at night, Heathrows me out.
What do you give a panda when it is sick?
Pandadol.
Your earrings are the mirrors that reflect the moonlight into your eyes.
What is the strongest creature in the ocean? A mussel!
What do you call a turkey after Thanksgiving?
Lucky.
What did the retired pirate say when he went to the beach?
Long time no sea.
Why are Me and China alike?
We both like to delete our history.
“Friendship must be built on a solid foundation of alcohol, sarcasm, inappropriateness and shenanigans.”
— Unknown
What’s the best way to catch unicorns? Simple, by herding them all to one corner.
I bought a lamp for my friend
To brighten their day
All these years of technological developments and I still haven’t seen a colour photo of a zebra.
“Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children.”
- Sam Levenson
Why did Mr. and Mrs. Barnacle go to couples' counselling?
Because their marriage was the rocks.
Moisturize the air!
As fast as humidly possible.
In another town, the cowboy rides in wearing a paper suit. Paper pants, paper jacket, paper chaps. Even a paper holster!
He wasn't in town ten minutes before he was arrested for rustling.
I tried to turn on a tap. It was a bit stiff though...
So I had to faucet.
I went to my fridge to get some lettuce for my salad
But there was none Romaine-ing.
Make no bones about it, home made stock is a really good base for soups.
“I don’t want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their job.”
Samuel Goldwyn
“Waiter, will my pizza be long?”
“No sir, it will be round!”
What covers the floor of the motzarella forest?
Cheese sticks.
How rich is Avogadro?
He's a multi-mole-ionaire.
What happened when the dog ate a firefly?
He smiled with de-light
What do Santa’s elves cook with in the kitchen?
A u-tinsel.
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