My love for you is like the universe… never-ending!
What do you think holds the moon up? Moonbeams.
The bartender told the ghost they don't serve spirits after midnight.
I was so amazed by your beauty that I had to run to the wall over there. So, I need to get your number and name to claim my insurance.
I tried to start a soccer club so I put up some posters on a local bulletin board.
Just to get the ball rolling.
My wife and I split up.
She got the “U” and I got the “P”
Damn girl, you're lookin' sharp
What falls in the winter but never gets hurt?
Snow.
A lady stormed off when I asked about her hand bag.
Maybe the question was to pursonal.
What do you say to a small onion that has helped you?
Thanks shallot.
Sorry for not calling sooner, I was budy complaining to Spotify for not naming you the year's hottest single.
I recently took a pole and found out 100% of the occupants were angry with me when their tent collapsed.
Why did the bus driver take a break? He needed to 'stop' and refuel!
I could say that I wandered lonely as a cloud before I met you, but what are these Wordsworth if you won't go out with me?
I designed a new toilet but cannot find anyone to test it out.
No one gives a crap.
How do you apologize to a koala?
Bear your heart and soul to them.
The refs kept calling interference, even though goalmouth incidents were in
de-crease.
I went to my fridge to get some lettuce for my salad
But there was none Romaine-ing.
Your presence gives meaning to my yoga practice and enlightenment.
My girlfriend made me one of those sculpted 3D cakes for my birthday but wouldn't stop reminding me how it took her all day to decorate it..
..which is surprising since to me it looked like a piece of cake.
Are those space pants? Cause your ass is out of this world.
What happens if you play a county song backwards?
Your wife returns to you, your dog comes back to life, and you get out of prison.
Let’s make like an atom, and split.
We need to cover more ground so we should split up.
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Tentacles.
“Anytime you see a turtle up on top of a fence post, you know he had some help."
- Alex Haley
Stop looking for the perfect match..
Use a lighter!
“Every time I do something silly, it comes off really funny because it’s natural.”
- Shaquille O’Neal
Which nut has won the World Cup the most times?
A Brazil nut.
What was it like to fight Medusa?
- At first I was afraid, then I was petrified...
What bow can't be tied? A rainbow!
Why do gnomes laugh when they play football?
Because the grass tickles their armpits.
There was a knock at the door this morning. I opened it and there was a wash basin on the doorstep.
I thought, "I'd better let this sink in."
What did the mushroom request when booking his hotel? A shroom with a view, please!
What does an owl with an attitude have?
A scowl.
“It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t say it.”
Not many people liked the new tree I planted.
It wasn’t very poplar.
What’s a vampire bat’s favorite food?
I-scream!
It’s your birthday, there is no cure,
Cakes and candles, you must endure,
Quick and painless, let me assure,
A tiny chance, you will be mature,
With this crowd, usually secure,
Random fun, with results obscure,
Liquids we drink, definitely pure,
Goofy friends, minds we tour,
Hilarious birthday, that’s for sure.
(Martin Dejnicki)
It's so cold that you might have to chop up the piano for firewood (although you’ll only get two chords).
What's a freezer's favorite time period?
The ice age!
What did Dracula say when the witch and the warlock started kissing?" "Get a broom!
Doctor, Doctor! I'm terrified of words that are also letters!
Oh you are? I see. Why?
From the b-autumn of my heart, I love fall!
I am an introvert, but you know how to bring me out of my shell.
Your smile lit up the room so I had to come over.
“If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.”—George Bernard Shaw
Is that a telescope in your pants or are you just happy to see me?
Why did the log fall into a creek? Because that's how it ROLLS!
What type of dog doesn’t bark?
A hush puppy.
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